Okay, I finally watched this ongoing season of Real Housewives of New York. This is my first foray into the Real Housewives cinematic universe and I’m not sure how I made it this far in life. It’s so good.
If you’re not watching, here’s the cast of characters: Erin is a real estate developer and MAGA Republican. Sai is an Instagram influencer and mommy blogger. Jessel is a fashion publicist. Brynn is also some kind of publicist/adult communications major. Ubah is a model and entrepreneur. Jenna Lyons is a lesbian and the former CEO of J Crew and also Michelle Obama’s stylist. All of these women are rich, or at least trying to appear rich, and they’re all pretending to be best friends, despite not knowing basic facts about each other’s lives.
So far this season, the wives have gone to the Hamptons, Erin’s 10th anniversary party/vow renewal ceremony, and an incredibly forced Christmas wreath-making gathering that Brynn threw in an empty restaurant. They have gotten into several imaginary conflicts, including: Sai not saying goodbye before leaving a party, Jenna sleeping at her own Hamptons house instead of Erin’s Hamptons house, Brynn flirting with Erin’s husband and father, Jessel being wildly rude to everyone at all times, and Erin never serving enough food at her events.
Let’s jump right into Episode 8. It’s winter in New York, so the wives are planning another mandatory girls’ trip—this time to Anguilla. In preparation, Sai and Ubah go shopping for “resort wear.” Sai is whining about trying on clothes next to Ubah and her perfect bod, which is so depressing because Sai is so beautiful. Also Ubah is six feet tall and Sai is reaching for five, so clothes are going to look completely different on them just based height alone. 75% of this show is about the wives’ body image problems and I know that’s the water we’re swimming in, but it’s a little bleak!!
The real meat of this scene is Sai complaining to Ubah that, “A real gift is from the heart. A Jenna Lyons gift is a marketing gift.“ Sai is referring to a couple of occasions where JL has presented gifts to her “friends.” The first was during the Hamptons trip where JL presented everyone with lingerie that she designed (or maybe her friend made and JL just consulted? I’m not sure.) Last episode, the wives gathered to make Christmas wreaths and JL showed up with jewelry from the official Jenna Lyons x Mejuri collection. Look, all five of these women are here to boost their personal brand and make money. Unlike the other wives, JL has actual products to hawk. Sai complaining feels like sour grapes.
Sai tries on a dress that can only be described as a giant windbreaker with bell sleeves and recaps the ongoing drama between her and Erin. A few episodes ago, Erin and her husband renewed their vows at the most unfun party ever—imagine a giant, marble room with endless, heterosexual speeches. Erin was incensed that the wives were talking and that Sai left early. Sai says there was no vegetarian food and she was hungry. If you are going to have a speech-based event, you need to provide chairs or else people will be milling about and talking amongst themselves. Ubah is like, “Why didn’t you just order a pizza?“ This is a wild, unhelpful suggestion for obvious reasons. Ubah may be beautiful and the founder of an Oprah-approved hot sauce company, but I never really understand what she’s doing here. I think her thing is just being so random? One time they went out to eat and Ubah went into the restaurant kitchen and stole a can of coconut milk.
JL’s brother is visiting from California. They stroll through Rockefeller Center, which she’s been helping “reinvigorate“ by bringing in Black, Latinx and female-owned retail and restaurants (to demonstrate this, the cameras pan over the storefronts of Michael Kors and FAO Schwartz, before showing JL and her brother walk into a bar owned by Pete Davidson). It’s clear that JL loves her work and career-wise, she’s just on another level than the other wives. It’s not bragging if you’re just talking about your life! I repeat, IT’S NOT BRAGGING IF YOU’RE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOUR LIFE!!
Next, JL confides in Brother Lyons that she feels nervous about wearing a swimsuit on the upcoming Anguilla trip because the wives are so beautiful and she has a rare genetic condition that affects her hair, skin, and teeth (cut to some butt-clench inducing images of a recent dental surgery.) She has a lot of painful childhood memories of people commenting on her skin discoloration. She’s planning to fly to Anguilla early to get a tan, which will make her skin look more even-toned. Instead of saying, “Why are you friends with these women?“ her brother says that she might feel differently once she’s actually in a warm, beachy place. I know for a fact that JL has cool dykes in her life and it bums me out that she’s worried about feeling judged for something she has no control over. I will go to Anguilla with you, JL. I will show you my stretch marks and wear your false eyelashes, which are available at Targets nationwide.
Brynn is in LA on a hike with her brother, Darris. We can tell this is not a hike hike because she’s holding a Starbucks red cup. Darris asks when she’ll finally settle down and start a family, which is what she’s always saying she wants. Brynn-- who revealed in previous episodes that she was subject to horrific abuse and neglect as a child--says that deep down, she thinks of families as bad and stressful. They tersely acknowledged their shared childhood trauma and Darris says, “It was really hard for us to turn out normal.“ HEARTBREAKING!!
Back in New York, Erin shows up at JL’s apartment with butternut soup. JL just underwent an intense oral surgery and Erin jokes that she only just got her first cavity…I think Erin is trying to express reverence for what JL just endured, but her whole thing is centering herself in situations that have nothing to do with her and she really bothers me! She is the most evil wife.
Erin divulges that she’s still angry about her vow renewal ceremony, when Brynn called her husband “Abe the Babe“ and said she would marry Erin’s dad and become Erin’s stepmom (lol). She doesn’t feel like the other wives had her back and is considering not going on the girls’ trip. JL is like, “Brynn was just goofing around, but your hurt feelings are valid“ and shares her plan to fly to Anguilla early, so she can tan and lessen her skin discoloration. Also, the plane only has coach seats and JL doesn’t fly coach. I cackled!! She is tall and rich and just had oral surgery. Let her fly business.
Over at Jessel’s House of Marital Hatred, Jessel’s husband Pavit shares that he’s going to Vietnam for 3 days (in my notes I accidentally wrote “Vermont” instead of “Vietnam“ and now I’m imagining Pavit picking apples and then buying a $17 grilled cheese at the Guilford Country Store). It’s unclear if he told Jessel before and she didn’t realize he was serious, or if he’s just sharing this plan for the first time ever? Jessel says if he needs a break, he should go stay in a hotel for a night. He counters that she’s going to Anguilla for 5 days. When she asks what she’s supposed to do with their wild twin toddlers while he flies 40 hours round trip to eat a bahn mi, he’s like, that’s your problem. The rancor between these two!!
The wives arrive in Anguilla and run through the villa that Sai booked for them, trying to score the nicest bedroom. They laugh about JL getting the “shit room” because she’s not there yet, even though the room looks super nice. I felt gross watching this.
Erin tells the other wives that JL’s skin discoloration story is a lie—the real reason she flew down early is because she didn’t want to fly coach. Brynn observes that JL, a LITERAL LESBIAN, doesn’t know how to be friends with women because if she did, she would realize that travelling together is a part of the girls trip experience. I believe what Brynn is describing are middle school social dynamics based on internalized misogyny and competition where there are constantly shifting rules and gossip because one girl must always be on the outs. From the perspective of an adult woman with normal friendships, JL is clearly committed to the girls trip—if she wasn’t, she wouldn’t have spent so much time preparing.
“She doesn’t know how to be in a group of girls and be open and honest,” says Erin. Brynn also says something about Jenna not being “open and honest”? I clocked it because it seems like such a reality TV trope. It’s infuriating because JL was honest and everyone is still being a huge bitch to her. This whole show feels so dark to me. I know that JL is a millionaire who made a business decision to be on a Real Housewives franchise, but I still feel protective of her. Everyone is so uncomfortable with her because she has boundaries and a solid sense of self, but is also down to clown. She’s just on another level.
Other Thoughts:
JL says that she’s never been on a girls trip, which is also what she said before the last girls trip. Also, I love this footage of her walking into the Delta Sky Lounge with the world’s biggest tote bag.
The way food and eating are talked about on this show is so joyless, but I laughed when Sai said that Erin isn’t allowed to plan this trip because she would turn it into a survival situation with no food.
If literally ANYONE told me they felt self-conscious around me and were doing a whole rigamarole so I wouldn’t see their skin, I would try to reassure them!! Even if we weren’t friends!! By not saying anything, it seems clear that Erin and the other wives will be judging and comparing themselves to JL which is so fucked up.
When the wives are discussing how orgasms can cure headaches, it feels so bachlorettte party at a upscale, women-owned boutique that sells vibrators and CBD lube. I laughed when Sai made the joke about Jessel getting migraines because she and Pavit never have sex.
jenna innocent!!!!
i'm loling at "adult communications major"