my favorite Zillow listings π
looking at houses and wondering what I have to do to live somewhere nice
Usually this newsletter is about TV and lesbian affairs, but I moved last Tuesday and Iβm still so tired. Not only was it my second time moving in three months, I got my period the second my girlfriend pulled up in the U-Haul. The idea of moving again makes me want to burn all my possessions, but Iβve also been trawling Zillow with more and more zest. Can I afford to buy a house? No. Do I know where I want to live or what homeownership entails? Also no, but I can still look. Here are some of my favorite Zillow listings ranked by how willing I would be to move again.
xoxo, Maddy
New England handywomanβs special (listed for $199,000 in Westminster, VT)
Living in Vermont is one of my sickest fantasies. My girlfriend grew up in Brattleboro, so Iβve seen what mountain air and unlimited maple syrup can do for a person. Also I would be so good at raising chickens.
This house needs work!! It looks creepy and out-of-time, like cartoon skeletons live here. I think it could be so cute with fresh paint, new flooring, and many thousands of dollars in renovations. I would paint the outside light blue. The shed-like addition on the back would have to go, but I would use the barn to store my craft supplies.
I give this handywomanβs special πππ out of πππππ U-Hauls.
Quirky 90s house (listed for $865,000 in Providence, RI)
I have been to Providence exactly twiceβonce was a real weird time, the other was for pizza. I like what the fence is doing at this house. The dogs and I could run laps before dinner. Iβm into the fireplace across from the bathtub, even though the bathroom feels soulless. Why is that TV so high up on the wall? I would also get a more normal bannister for the stairs.
I give this quirky 90s house ππ out of πππππ U-Hauls.
(Speaking of houses in Providence, thoughts and prayers to this cute house thatβs been Home Depot-ed to death.)
Cottage that would clear my acne (listed for $324,900 in Mineral Point, WI)
Mineral Point is a little town in the Driftless Area of Wisconsin. Itβs got heavy yarn shop and bed and breakfast vibes. There is a historical site called Pendarvis that was saved from destruction by a gay couple who called themselves pixies and operated a popular Welsh pasty restaurant in the 50s and 60s. Iβm honestly a little obsessed with Mineral Point to the extent that I once emailed a local queer business owner about their experiences living there and never heard back.
Anyways, love this limestone house with a storage closet in the bathroom. The porch is dreamy! My kingdom to rip down that bicycle art.
I give this acne-clearing cottage πππππ out of πππππ U-Hauls.
Treehouse vibes (listed for $449,900 in Ellison Bay, WI)
Door County is another place in Wisconsin that I love to visit, but I have zero sense of what it would actually be like to live there. This is a house fit for an elf, or me after a bad breakup. I would need to figure something out with the loft, since I am afraid of heights and need at least a queen-sized mattress. I also worry about all the steps down to the lake. Lake Michigan though! She would be my girlfriend.
I give this lesbian treehouse ππππ out of πππππ U-Hauls.
Condo thatβs trying too hard ($1,475,000 in Somerville, MA)
This condo is in my neighborhood. Itβs sprinkled with Buddha statues and instruments, but there are almost no books. Sometimes itβs fun to look at million dollar listings, but this one makes me depressed because housing in and around Boston is so expensive. If anything comes up for sale, itβs usually luxury condos that would be comfortable for one or two people. I still want to know whatβs hanging from the peg board.
I give this try-hard condo ππ out of πππππ U-Hauls.
Kitchen toilet (listed for $410,000 in Isle Au Haut, ME)
Kitchen toilet! If I lived here, I would delete Instagram and make my own laundry detergent.
I give kitchen toilet ππππ out of πππππ U-Hauls.
If you have any opinions or ideas about which of these houses is haunted, let me know in the comments.
The peg board is holding ice climbing gear. I know this because Iβm a small Colorado mountain town lesbian and they give you a free ice axe when you come out.
i lived in a house once that had a corner toilet like the one in the VT house and it was a surprisingly cozy spot to be in.