Welcome to Saturday. It’s the freakin’ weekend. *sobs*
If you’ve been doomscrolling and glued to the news, take a break and read this newsletter. You need to reset your brain. You need to read my responses to the following quandaries and queer concerns:
I’m going through the worst breakup of my life. Will I ever feel happy or have sex again?
I’m in grad school and my program is making me do an extended group project with my friend and her ex. They are not on speaking terms, but my friend’s ex is cool and trans and I really want to his friend. Do I need to disclose my intentions to my friend, who is his ex?
I’m in my first relationship. It’s only been 2 months and my girlfriend and I are already having problems. I’m unsure if our relationship is worth all the stress. Shouldn’t we be in our honeymoon phase?
Subscribe for the whole thing, keep reading for a preview. You can also send me a question anytime. Submitting is fast, free, and anonymous. I would love some AITA-type questions, since I am weary and long to weigh in on some dyke drama.
xoxo, Maddy
Dear Xena. I am four months out of the worst breakup of my life (and honestly, the worst thing that has ever happened to me). My live-in partner of 2.5 years with whom I was in a very committed relationship with and thought I would be with forever cheated on me and didn’t tell me for over a month when I was visiting them abroad (they were on a temporary exchange) after first telling me they suddenly wanted to be poly without having brought it up before.
Having been cheated on before in relationships (which they knew) and realised how much it fucked with my sense of self to stay and try it work I broke up with them immediately and impulsively and got my ass on the first plane home. While I was sure of my decision at the time, after the fact I’ve been struggling a lot. I have especially struggled with the fact that everything was so good until it was not, and that my partner and best friend chose to hurt me in a way they knew I was especially sensitive to. They also didn’t try fight for me after the fact which almost feels worse than the actual cheating.
I feel disposed of, unworthy, unattractive and constantly sad. It feels like I’ve lost my soulmate and that I will never love anyone or sleep with anyone ever again. It feels like I’ll never find true happiness ever again. I’m going to therapy, I’m doing no contact, I’m hanging out with friends, I have a great job and I moved into a nice flat. It feels like I’m doing everything right but I’m still completely and utterly devastated after four months and I feel stuck. Except for getting a rescue cat (which I will), what can I do to feel better/get over this? Will I ever be able to be happy again?? I’m getting desperate.
Simsim, 29
*taps ouroboros tattoo* Every ending is also a beginning. Yes, you will be happy again! You will have sex and feel wanted. But it won’t be as sudden as waking up one day and being totally over your ex. The journey you’re on is not linear. Your ex will take up less and less room in your head as time passes, I guarantee it. You’ll also get smacked with sadness at random intervals. You might have the best day ever at work, go home, and just start crying in the shower. This is life! Happiness is a fleeting emotion and feeling amazing 24/7 is not a realistic goal for anyone. It’s better to aim for contentment or stasis. All feelings are temporary, even heartbreak.
Here’s the bad news: 4 months is not a long time when it comes to moving on after something like this. In my experience, the old adage that it takes half the time of the relationship to get over someone holds true. This doesn’t mean you’re going to be agony for 18 months. You will feel more and more like yourself, but it’s gonna be subtle.
The good news is that you and your ex actually broke up. Lesbians have a tendency to break up and get back together over and over, even when it’s clearly time to call it quits. You’re also doing no contact, which is the best way to get distance and space you need to move forward.
You’re going to be okay, I would bet money on it. Just be nicer to yourself, okay? You’re doing everything you possibly can.
(p.s. I don’t really have an ouroboros tattoo)
(p.s.s. I feel like when my work life is going well, my love life is in shambles. when my love life is good, my work life is a mess. does anyone else notice this? it’s like the goddesses don’t want us to get too comfortable.)