Hey! Here’s a queer advice column for you. If you have a question for me, submit it here. It’s anonymous. xoxo, Maddy
I have a girlfriend I've been seeing for a little over a year. Things are still fairly casual with her - we're monogamous but have no plans to move in together and only see each other about once a week. I also have a roommate. We've been friends for about 6 years and they moved into my place last summer. They're considerate and thoughtful, they compliment me often, and they're hot and butch. They have also been seeing someone for a couple months - they're not official yet but it seems like it's heading in that direction.
The thing is, I started crushing pretty hard on my roommate last October, then I thought I got over it, but the feelings are returning. I find that my crush is distracting me from paying attention to my girlfriend, and I feel guilty that I seem to be unable to give her the commitment and focus she deserves. Not to mention that I don't want to make things weird with my roommate by confessing my feelings! What if they're not into me and I ruin the friendship? Or they feel like they can't live with me anymore? (this part isn't exactly my problem, but rent at my place is really cheap and if they moved out my roommate would likely have to move back with their parents since it would be hard to find something else they could afford, and I would feel guilty sending a fellow queer back to the closeted life) What if- and this one's more of a deep-seated fear than a fixable problem- what if by some miracle my roommate agreed to date me, and I immediately lose interest like I'm losing interest in my girlfriend now, and end up hurting them too?? I talked to my therapist about this whole thing when it first came up in October, and she pointed out that my crush could be a sign that there's something I need that I'm not getting from my relationship. My girlfriend and I have definitely had a hard time opening up to each other and there is a level of affection and trust and intimacy that I want but haven't been able to find with her. I talked to my girlfriend about this and we agreed to work on it but the progress has been slow. I'm starting to wonder whether it's ever going to work between us. Things are fine, good even, but outside of (admittedly great) sex, I rarely feel the spark that tells me "this person is right for me". I suppose I'm afraid of risking the relationship and friendship I have now on the remote possibility of being with someone who makes me feel giddy when they smile at me across the room. But even if I can't be with them, I think my girlfriend deserves better than someone who would dump her for their roommate in a heartbeat. That's why I broke up with my first boyfriend - I had a crush on someone else and couldn't bring myself to focus on him anymore, but after I dumped him I never had the guts to ask out my crush. Am I doomed to repeat the past? What should I do?
P.S. You may be wondering why you have to read this when I clearly mentioned having a therapist. Alas, she finished her practicum and I had to stop seeing her, such is the plight of the budget student therapy-goer.
Rhodes, 24
I once read a definition of anxiety as a kind of temporal collapse, or, a headspace where you exist in the past, present, and future all at once.