queer advice #45: they're not even sleeping together!
are emotional affairs just for straight people?
It’s Saturday, baby. I’m back with another queer advice column. It’s similar to last week’s question in that it’s about a monogamous relationship and a third, suss person rolling in and causing problems. A lot of you were like, “these people are obviously fucking“ and I felt like a dork for not saying that explicitly. I agree with you. They were obviously fucking.
On that note, consider leaving a comment if you have feelings or something to say about this column. If you hit reply and email me directly, only I get to see it. I really appreciate your insights or perspectives--maybe you think I’m WRONG, maybe you’ve been through something similar--and I want you to share with the class :)
If you have a question or a gay problem, send it my way whenever. I’m running low on questions. I would be grateful for your problems.
xoxoxo,
Maddy
I am writing in today about my monogamous spouse of 11 years, we'll call him R and his relationship with a person we'll call K.
R and K met in a trans support group a little over a year ago and discovered they have lots of similarities - married with wives, parents of children, and we all live near each other. Very soon after meeting, they started spending an hour, then a few hours every other week or so together on long walks in the evenings. I started getting uncomfortable with the amount of time R was spending away from our family. When I expressed that, R said K needed support as a newly hatched trans person. I said okay and tried to back off. R and K also spent time writing long emails to each other at least once per day. After a couple months, K told R that they had developed feelings for him, and that they needed space to get over those feelings. R shared this with me very casually and I was both alarmed (what is going on here?) and relieved to hear they were taking space - it was already weirding me out how much time they spent together in person and emailing with each other. That was the last I heard about K for a few months, then I found out they had actually never "been able to stop" talking on email. R was showing me something online and tabbed over to his email where I saw that almost all recent email threads were with K. I got really upset! I said I felt lied to! This is unhealthy for our relationship! We fought, R said this was not about K but about a dynamic in our relationship, between me and R. That's what K had told him, and K is a therapist. After a few weeks talking this out in my own individual therapy, I saw this for what it was: gaslighting. And I told R so. He apologized and said he was a coward and had things to work through. He started attending individual therapy twice a week.
Since then, R has been secretive about his relationship with K, their communications, and plans to meet up. R often makes it sound like K just happens to be where he's hanging out with other people, but will tell the truth that he invited them or they invited him when asked, though he does get upset when I ask. Which becomes more and more painful to do - my instinct is to look the other way. I am pushing through that feeling because our marriage is important to me. Each time this happens (I confront and he admits), we have heated conversations full of tears and intense emotions. I have asked over and over why is this person worth it to you? Why are you risking your family and your relationship for this person? R's responses have ranged from "I don't know how to say it nicely" to "I can have friends if I want to." to "K needs my support because they are new to transition." In his most vulnerable moments, R has said that he is afraid to be honest with me. In my most vulnerable moments, I have said that it feels like R is prioritizing K's feelings over mine. He repeats that K is not a threat, and he prioritizes me and our marriage over all else, but the words ring hollow next to his actions.
Fast forward several months (during which K told R that their marriage had fallen apart) to this past summer, K was invited to a queer barbecue at our house. I was trying my best to turn over a new leaf and accept this person into my circle, thinking I could squash these feelings by becoming friendly with K. K showed up with flowers and googly eyes for R, completely ignored me, and by the end of the night I was livid. I told R how embarrassed and disrespected I felt in my own home, and that something needed to change. R confronted K about their behavior, and K said that they didn't want to be around me because my femininity was triggering for them. R shared a few days later that K had invited him to his house for a fire, and R responded that he was not comfortable spending one on one time together. I instantly cried when he told me, feeling an overwhelming sense of being loved and respected - like this was really going to end, like R had finally prioritized my feelings over K's.
Shortly afterwards, K made a grand announcement that they would be leaving the trans support group and needed to find their own way forward - but would like one last get together with the people they were closest to in the group to celebrate their time together. I felt like this was it -- finally, our lives would be free of this name, this person, and these bad vibes! After that "final" meeting though, this new smaller subset of the original support group, four folks including R and K, decided they should continue to get together every so often, and less than a week later K was already asking R about his schedule making sure he could make the next one. R now feels like he is in a tough spot because he doesn't want to share with the other two folks in this small group that he and K have this fraught history and would rather keep getting together with this group to "keep the peace". His current position is that it's unnecessary to avoid K because he set the boundary that they won't be one on one. To me, it feels like K is needling into R's life however they can and I'm just so nervous about what comes next. I feel devastated and drained. I know that R and K are not having a physical affair and I'm pretty sure R is not attracted to K, but just has trouble setting boundaries and saying no. He often feels like he is easy to manipulate, or programmed to be a doormat. I am tired of hearing that as some kind of excuse. I am tired of being lied to, I am tired of finding out. I feel like this is such a ridiculous situation to be in and that our marriage was never as strong as I thought. We have been through so many hard things together and are the best teammates, so how can this be happening? I'm honestly considering blowing up my entire life and leaving him, which I can hardly believe! They're not even sleeping together!
R is not interested in going back to couples therapy, I keep asking and he keeps saying that he doesn't think we need to and that it's impossible to get in with someone right now anyway. R asks me why I can't just trust him? That would solve everything. I have asked him why he wants to insert this toxic energy into our marriage unnecessarily? He says it wouldn't feel toxic if I would just trust him. He thinks in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, we will all be friends. I feel so confused and crazy. I feel like he must not realize he is throwing our marriage away, but I am seriously at the end of my rope. Any advice?
Confused, 37
I feel shy about saying this, but it really sounds like R and K are having an affair. Occam’s razor, everything about R’s actions that feel baffling and inexplicable would make perfect sense in the context of an affair.