queer advice 47: I'm a 33-year-old dirty slut who loves to be alone and go to bed at 10 pm
"what is your advice for balancing building alone time/space while trying to spit on someone's cunt on the regular?"
hello there,
I'm a 33-year-old dirty slut who loves to be alone and go to bed at 10 pm. Can you guess my problem yet? Recently, after a year of living with my wonderful ex-gf who didn't want to fuck me and supporting her through unsuccessful IVF (not as bad as it sounds!) I moved across the country to a pretty queer semi-rural *costal elite* New England town. Now I live alone, for the first time in my life. After years and years of fearing being by myself, I am now relishing my alone time: my beautiful house with all my beautiful things, porky pigging it eating cheese dip for dinner, spreading out in my big brass bed all alone.
The thing is that I have a tendency to self-isolate, and it can be very easy for me to shut off my sexuality. With winter looming, I'm feeling a little nervous about becoming a hermit. And yes, I know there is a healthy way to hermit. But I also really want to give my sexuality the respect it deserves. I've had SO MUCH sexual violence and shitty sex partners in my life. And I'm a dirty fucking slut with some pretty specific fantasies about power, care, service, and domination that I want to give space to.
Maybe someday I could have a partner where I could have enough safety and stability to explore sex / intimacy/ power in a relationship. But I actually don't want to have a committed relationship right now. What I want is to have a small handful of people who I semi regularly (1-2x/month) fuck. And I want some of those people to be low-key healthily obsessed with me. Too much? I don' t think so! Very reasonable.
I'm kind, caring, stable, and I've never been hotter. I have bad follow through with apps and am stressed that if I swipe left on someone wrong for me now, I may miss out on swiping right on them at a later time. Plus, it's a small queer scene and I don't want to burn bridges just getting here. Also, despite being a big slut, I have a LOT of trauma and only want to have sex with people who are not transactional assholes. Care, complexity, humor, time. Those are things that would get me wet if I wasn't on SSRIs. I also hate going on internet dates?! I have bad tinder follow-through but promise I will check my messages after I finish writing this. I genuinely am confused about how to find people to have sex with.
My question: what is your advice for balancing building alone time/space while trying to spit on someone's cunt on the regular?
A real catch, 33
Okay, so you recognize that you get in your own way and do things that aren’t in your best interest, but how do you actually stop? This is one of those big, human struggles. If you’re at all attuned to your own needs and happiness, you will confront this question in life—probably multiple times. Right now, you want to stop self-isolating and shutting down your own sexuality. You’re already ahead of the game because you have a clearly-defined, specific goal—sex on a semi-regular basis with caring, kind people who respect you and your boundaries. The mistake people often make, I think, is identifying that they’re unhappy or self-sabotaging in some way, but not pinning down what they can actually do to alleviate that suffering. When it comes to me and my bouts of depression, I can’t just will myself to be happier, but I can sign up for a dorky workout class called Body Party or CRUNCH which will force me to leave the house, lock my phone in a cubby, and irrigate my brain with calming endorphins.
Unfortunately, the only way to rewire yourself and build new habits is to make consistently good choices over a long period of time. This is hard work. You must remain vigilant. You have to drag yourself on internet dates, even when you’re tired and don’t feel like it. You must swipe left on people you’re not into, even when it would be easier to swipe right. If you want to build a better, sluttier future for yourself, you must resist doing what feels easy and comfortable in the moment.
Adult life is full of opportunities to be flaky. It’s so easy to cancel plans or “forget” to text someone back, especially in the winter when it gets dark at 4PM and the air is so cold, it hurts your face. Structure and routine are your friends. What if you set aside specific nights week to smash a different babe e.g. first Friday babe or every other Saturday afternoon babe? A set schedule will liberate you from the difficult work of making plans and following through. It can also reinforce boundaries and reduce the possibility of having sex with someone tolerable, hanging out for the next three days, and the next thing you know, you’re in a committed lesbian relationship.
Here’s what dating apps are good for: casting a wide net and broadcasting exactly what you’re looking for from sex and relationships. That’s it. You still have to do the difficult work of separating the wheat from the chaff. When it comes to online dating, a trap that people fall into is texting for 500 years without actually meeting irl. I have nothing against talking to strangers from the internet (it’s actually how I met my girlfriend), but texting will not give you the information you actually need!! It’s really easy to build a fantasy around someone you’ve never met. You should meet up as soon as possible for a chill activity that can be easily extended or concluded, depending on how it’s going (so like, drinks or coffee). You could even build this into a routine e.g. set aside Friday nights for internet dates. (I know the quality of apps can really vary in small towns, but I recently got a hot tip about Feeld. It’s more geared towards sex than relationships. I think it’s pronounced “field.“ A wise lesbian I consulted on this issue said that these kinds of limited-but-not-cold sexual encounters might be more likely with people who are married [in an open way, of course] and I agree with her.)
You’re afraid of alienating people in your small-town queer scene. You cannot appease everyone. You owe people from dating apps basic human kindness and direct communication, but you’re not responsible for anyone’s feelings. If someone is angry because you don’t like them back, or that you’re looking for winter sex and not gay marriage, that’s their problem!! You don’t want to know them anyways. I do think, however, you’ll find that people will appreciate not being ghosted (not always unwarranted, but it sucks that this such a norm when it comes to casual dating). Being upfront with your dates, even if you have to do it in a text, will increase the likelihood that you’ll stay on good terms and maybe even end up friends.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that inside you there are two wolves: one is a dirty slut, the other is a hermit who’s in bed for the night. There is room for both wolves. They are both great wolves. But the slut wolf needs a chance to shine. Fight for her.
immediately taking out the magnifying glass for "pretty queer semi-rural *costal elite* New England town"; its gotta be wmass right
Hi. Wolf-like hermit? Totally relate. Elitist east coast vibes, check. Your questions, their energy, I’m into it. Lists… you are speaking my language. Did I write this post in some alternative reality? Maybe. Anonymously, yours.