queer advice #55: really serious really quickly
"I'm only in my 20s but I feel like I'm in a decades-long marriage, where I'm doing all of this out of obligation."
It’s Saturday and I’m back with a new queer advice column. Today’s question deals with some big, human struggles and my response is pretty feral, so I won’t even try to summarize it. Just read it.
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Maddy
I (26 y/o trans woman) have been dating my girlfriend (25 y/o trans woman) for a little under a year. Our relationship got really serious really quickly, we said the L-word (not lesbian) about 2 months in, and moved in together at 6 months. We are both chronically ill and she is unable to work at the moment. I take care of all the cleaning, most of the cooking, and the financial support (I pay for all rent and groceries). There's also a gap in emotional support where when I need to be coregulated she sort of just freezes and is unable to address my needs without significant coaching. We've talked about the cleaning issue and the emotional support issue a little, but nothing dramatically has changed. I am not expecting her to be perfect, but I feel like I'm a caretaker and not a partner.
We're also both so young but she regularly talks about marriage and spending the rest of our lives together. She also has very few friends and family, and doesn't believe in therapy -- I am her primary and often her only support person. I love her, I love being with her, and I am terrified of being alone and how it will affect my mental health. If we were to break up I would miss her so much. She also has so much trauma around abandonment and the people she loves resenting her for having to take care of her. On the other hand, I'm only in my 20s but I feel like I'm in a decades-long marriage, where I'm doing all of this out of obligation. To be so unsupported in my relationship has made me have more flashbacks to traumatic experiences surrounding past really awful relationships, and the physical impact of being the only person taking care of our house has made my own chronic illness flare up, as well.
In my most intense moments of anxiety or sadness I've wondered if she loves me as a partner or just needs me financially and health-wise. Is there any way this relationship will change enough so that I feel loved and supported? How do I not resent her for needing help? Do we break up? How do I break up with someone who has abandonment issues? How do I break up with someone who has no other support???
Sad Girl Hours, 26
If you were my friend and you were telling me this, I would bust out a new bag of Sun Chips, pour us both a Diet Coke, and tell you that it’s not normal or healthy to feel emotionally depleted and prematurely aged by a relationship. I would also tell you that you can be totally overwhelmed and scared shitless by the idea of breaking up with someone and it can still be the right choice. Then I would ask you to expand on this statement: “We've talked about the cleaning issue and the emotional support issue a little, but nothing dramatically has changed.“
There are some big problems in your relationship. It’s gotten so bad, you’re seriously considering breaking up your girlfriend so what do you mean you’ve talked “a little“? Like, what is stopping you and your girlfriend from engaging in hardcore, multi-hour dyke processing? This is such a lesbian thing for me to say, but the difference between a doomed relationship and one that can change and get better is the c-word. Communication!! Not cunt lol.
Look, there are so many ways people wiggle out of accountability and difficult conversations. One of the most important relationships in my life is with someone who responds to criticism or anything approaching criticism by wildly overreacting and yelling stuff like, “You’re right. I’m a TERRIBLE person. You HATE me and your life would be better if I were DEAD.” Not only does this shut down the conversation, it makes me feel like my feelings and experiences of the relationship don’t matter. Luckily, I eventually realized that open communication and *~taking feedback~~* are skills. This person does not have those skills (shoutout to Joanne, my therapist from 2016-2017, for the sick realization). As much as I love them, I cannot change them. I can’t make them go to therapy or acknowledge their mental health problems and as a result, our relationship is not as deep as it could be. I don’t tell them serious things anymore. When we spend time together, I try to be more observational and detached. We’re stuck in second gear and if it were a romantic relationship, I would definitely break up with them.
From the limited info in front of me, I could also see you hiding or downplaying your feelings because you don’t want to upset your girlfriend. But if you don’t tell your girlfriend how you really feel, you’re denying her the opportunity to change and show up for you. It’s like when you don’t set boundaries. It might seem like the loving thing to do (“I love you so much, I’m going to accept responsibility for your happiness and let you move in after 6 months”), but actually, boundaries are what make relationships sustainable and joyful. They are a form of kindness to yourself and the people in your life. Ditto with being honest and open about your feelings.
You write that your girlfriend doesn’t have much of a support system outside your relationship. I wonder if this is connected to her tendency to freeze up and disengage when you’re upset. I’m so curious how she understands her own behavior and if she sees this as a problem or something that’s within her control to change. I said this before, but the sign of a healthy, mature relationship is being able to say, “hey this thing you did really hurt me” and your partner will hear you without deflecting or being a baby. Then you can collaborate on a way forward instead of having the same conflict over and over again.
Also on the topic of communication, you and your girlfriend have varying and unpredictable energy levels. You also have housework that needs to get done. This is another problem that only communication can solve. You have to get really clear on everything that needs to happen house-wise (e.g. dishes, laundry, tidying) and check in at regular intervals and figure out how it’s going to get done. You need to figure out a Plan B if you’re both exhausted, or brainstorm how to build in some wiggle room so it’s not a disaster if laundry can’t happen for a week. Not that this doesn’t also take time and energy!! It’s hard work to install a new operating system. But making a point to touch base, say, every morning before you leave for work, is infinitely easier than pushing yourself to do everything and then stewing in anger and resentment towards your girlfriend.
Another tricky thing that’s happening here is that you pay for your girlfriend’s rent and groceries. I don’t know enough about your individual situations to have a real opinion on this. In my mind, living with your girlfriend in an apartment you would otherwise live in alone is not the same as a situation where you’re sacrificing your own needs and wants to provide for her. Supporting someone indefinitely is not the same as supporting someone through a rough time, just like dating someone who depends on you for housing is a different dynamic than dating someone who’s broke but could move in with their parents in a pinch. The only thing I will definitively say about financial support and relationships is that money is a big power differential. It’s also extremely emotional. It can be a source of conflict, and provoke feelings of resentment, indebtedness, and entitlement. It adds a level of commitment and enmeshment that might be too intense for a relatively new relationship. It’s something you need to think really, really hard about and discuss with your girlfriend. Ultimately, it’s unfair to provide a level of support you know is unsustainable and then get angry when your girlfriend accepts that support.
The next part sounds harsh, but I really need you to understand that you are not responsible for your girlfriend’s life or feelings. She’s the only person who can make herself happy, just like you’re the only person who can make you happy. You can support her, but shielding her from everything bad and uncomfortable is an impossible expectation that will only result in you burning tf out. Your relationship should be a source of support and love, but it cannot be THE thing that fulfills her and keeps her buoyant.
In related news, it’s impossible to move through life without hurting and disappointing other people at least some of the time. The alternative is to be a total doormat and put everyone else’s happiness in front of yours, which is a terrible existence and will still result in people being mad at you. If you decide to break-up with your girlfriend, it’s not your problem how she handles the breakup. You advocating for yourself and your needs is not the same thing as being cruel, or hurting your girlfriend for no reason.
I know I’m making a lot of big statements. I hope you don’t feel yelled at or judged. You’re only 26. That is the time in life to move in with someone you just met and get a crash course in relationships, advocating for yourself, and the nightmare of living with a person who doesn’t clean. I think that when we feel totally wrecked by a relationship, it’s because we’re learning what’s not acceptable to us. So while I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I promise you will get get through this and emerge with the kind of self-knowledge and wisdom you cannot buy in stores. You will be an older, wiser lesbian and that is something to celebrate.
P.s. If you want some succinct and elegant thoughts on the pitfalls of viewing romantic relationships as the only relationships that matter, I really recommend the classic Dean Spade essay, “For Lovers and Fighters.“
Such good advice <3 one of my most hard-won and precious pieces of lesbian knowledge is that if fear is the main thing holding a relationship together, something MUST change (and usually that means breakup). Fear can hold things together for a little while but not forever. Ultimately we all deserve love where, when you think about the list of reasons why you are together, fear isn’t anywhere near the top 10!