queer advice #58: multiple gay problems
"During the second date I find out she’s monogamous (I’m not), considers herself to be codependent and is working on it (not in therapy, she’s reading a book)."
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I recently had a 2nd date w a person I’ve known socially for a few years. I was surprised and grateful to be asked out on a real live date. It’s been a while. First date went ok, not a lot of sparks, but she was cute and I agreed to a second date. During the second date I find out she’s monogamous (I’m not), considers herself to be codependent and is working on it (not in therapy, she’s reading a book). She also told me she just broke up w her girlfriend a month ago. I heard all of this and thought “huh, so I’m a replacement object?” It honestly made me feel awful about myself even though I tried not to. As soon as she heard I was solo poly she was like “welp, this won’t work.” Here’s my question, should I say something to her about how the whole exchange made me feel? Or just let her toddle off into the sunset? She’s a nice person, I just don’t think she realizes how she’s coming across.
Cindi, Old. Over 40
I think your strong reaction to your date stems from the fact that you’re just really, really mismatched on every possible level. You’re poly. She’s monogamous. You’re into boundaries and not putting all your emotional eggs in one basket. She’s literally codependent and while I agree that someone who’s serious about addressing their attachment issues should not be dating immediately after a big breakup, it sounds like she was honest with you about where she’s at in life and love.
If you’re still dwelling on your time together, you should send her a kind, to-the-point text or email that focuses on how your interaction made you feel (rather than assigning bad intentions to her). Personally, I would want to know if someone I went on a second date with walked away feeling used or shitty about themselves. It would not be my favorite text to receive, but I would want to know.
My gf and I started dating in 2021. At the time she was in another partnership with her wife. The dynamic was super difficult for me, even as I was soooo bonkers in love with my girlfriend. She has since broken up with her wife but they still want to remain friends.
This is incredibly challenging for me. I’ve done tons of work, therapy, deep breathing, regulation exercises to try and just be okay with this other relationship. And I just kinda can’t fucking deal. I hate that they want to stay connected and I feel incredibly threatened by their friendship (even though I believe my gf is super dedicated to me, we live together, she is close with my kid).
This is my first real “ex-partner-best-friend” lesbian trope and I wish it would just be over already!! How can I learn to deal? Cuz this ex isn’t going anywhere. 😭 ps turns out I suck at polyamory lol
Just can’t get over it, 38
Wait, why are you saying that you suck at polyamory if your girlfriend and her ex-wife are just friends? Is it because your relationship with your girlfriend is poly and you view the friendship between her and her ex-wife as an extension of that groovy slut energy? Personally if I watched my girlfriend divorce her OG wife, I would feel extremely secure in our relationship because she literally had the option of being married to someone forever and chose not to be. It’s hard to discern exactly what your situation is here, but I, noted wife guy, am here to affirm that it’s okay to be monogamous if that’s what you’re into.
I’m so curious if your girlfriend dates other people and if you feel similarly vexed by those relationships, or if it’s just her ex-wife that bothers you? If your problem is specifically with the ex-wife, I’m wondering if there are legitimate problems with this person that your girlfriend doesn’t see or acknowledge. I could imagine, for instance, feeling annoyed that your girlfriend is friends with someone who treated her poorly. Or maybe this ex-wife is at your house all the time, eating your cereal and monopolizing your girlfriend and nothing in their relationship has actually changed post-divorce, so things are just very confusing in terms of boundaries and your own future with your girlfriend. You don’t have the right to tell your girlfriend who she can be friends with, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect boundaries and clear communication re: how their friendship will be different from their marriage.
I have found myself in a very sweet but very sticky situation. I am currently having my first foray into the poly-world by dating a married lesbian couple. We met through a mutual friend, and the three of us have been dating for about 6 months now. They are both lovely and smart and we have an excellent dynamic. However, here’s where we differ: while I’m excited about this new relationship in my life, and wanting to share it with my friends and the world, one member of the couple (we’ll call her M) has a high-powered career, and with it, a desire to keep our (unusual, unconventional) relationship under wraps. The local dyke scene is relatively small, and to make matters more complicated, M also somewhat recently joined my queer kickball team. M has asked me to keep our relationship a secret from some mutual friends of ours, including most members of the kickball team. But these were my friends first, and I hate keeping this a secret from them! I want to respect M’s choices and her career, but I feel like I’m back in the closet and borderline lying to people I care about. How do we negotiate between my desire to tell my friends about my relationship, and one of my partners’ desire to keep the whole thing a secret?
Mara, 27
You are always allowed to talk about your life and things that are happening to you, especially to your friends. I understand that secrets have a way of getting out and it’s not realistic to tell just a few gay people anything, but this is not a reasonable request on M’s part. If this was a hard and fast rule for them, it should have been on the table from the very beginning—like before you went on your first date, definitely before you had sex.
Frankly, it freaks me out for you to be isolated in a relationship like this. It also makes it clear that M is treating you more like a sidepiece than a partner. And that’s great, if that’s what you want!! But if this dynamic feels bad or like M is being controlling and shady, you need to make a speedy exit.