queer advice #60: mega gay, mega problems 💜
"On what date should I reveal my tragic backstory?"
Hello, it’s the weekend. This queer advice column is a 3-for-1 and it took a lot out of me. Quick warning that question #2 mentions child sexual abuse and question #3 describes an abusive relationship. If that’s not for you, please take care of yourself and stop reading when you reach the Animorphs meme.
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My girlfriend Rose and I have been together for 7 years. I'm 30 and she's 28. And like many long-term lesbians, we've had a few break-ups over the years. When we first got together, we were both in pretty bad places mental health wise, and on top of that, she had just come out as trans, but wasn't financially or emotionally ready to start HRT. But over the years, we both went to a lot of therapy (including couples therapy) and worked on ourselves, and that helped our relationship get to a much healthier place. We communicate a lot better now and fight a lot less. Even the sex is better. I love her so much. It's hard to imagine my life without her, and lately we've been talking about moving in together again in the not too distant future (we lived together previously, but that was a disaster because we both were at rock bottom with our mental health).
But one thing scares me about potentially spending the rest of my life with her. She started HRT a few years ago, and shortly after that, she came out to me as poly. She said that she hadn't had much experience before me, and that she wanted to experiment with her sexuality. I have tried so hard to make being poly work for her sake, even though I am a monogamous-leaning person. I did hours of research on being poly and on managing jealousy, we saw a poly couples therapist for a year—hell, I even tried dating a few other poly people myself. But in the end, I realized that, at least for now, Rose is the only one who I want to be with romantically or sexually. And to be honest, it hurts that she doesn't feel the same way about me.
I know she loves me and cares about me a lot. I know she isn't just making shit up when she says she wants to spend our lives together. I'm just worried that her being poly might be a dealbreaker for me. She dated her first "2nd girlfriend" for about 7 months, and it was really hard for me—not only dealing with my jealousy and body image issues when they were together, but also dealing with the aftermath of their messy breakup. The other girl randomly ghosted her, so Rose didn't get closure. For like 4 or 5 months, Rose would often spend the entire time we were together pining over her ex and sobbing about how much she missed her. During the breakup aftermath, I felt like Rose wished she was with the other girl instead of with me. Her heartbreak was so loud, it was hard to ignore. We've had multiple talks about how next time, she needs to do a better job of compartmentalizing her relationships, or I will likely end up leaving her. In the end, it was detrimental to my own self worth to always feel like I was competing with another romantic interest for my partner's attention. I really hope that she will do a better job of compartmentalizing next time around. And I hope that the work I've been doing on my body image in therapy will help, too. But you just never know, right?
Now, it's been several months since that messy break up, and she has mentioned a few times that she wants to try dating other people again soon. It's hard because I feel like I can't actually make a decision about whether or not I can handle being poly for the rest of my life until she starts dating again. Our poly couples therapist said many times that people's first poly experience is often the messiest. So, I suppose I'm holding out hope that it will get easier over time, or maybe I'll gain interest in dating other people, too, so it won't feel so one-sided. But I know that if I can't make being poly work, it's over. She has told me that being mono made her feel like she was in a box. So obviously, I couldn't ask her to go back to that.
Anyways, I guess I'm just looking for some guidance here. My heart tells me to stay with her, despite the fact that it might be the most insane decision ever, because of how much love we have for each other. But logically, I feel like I'm doomed to have my heart broken.
Marty, 30
I feel like you’re framing monogamy as a deficiency you need to overcome and I really hope that isn’t coming from your girlfriend or therapist because polyamory simply isn’t everyone’s bag. Sometimes talking about polyamory with a poly person is like saying “I don’t like weed“ to a weed person and they’re like, “HAVE YOU TRIED SATIVA?“ And it’s like, okay—I’m sure there are many people who have unfairly discounted weed and would enjoy a more active high, just like there are people who are initially skeptical about polyamory and then they do a workshop at a feminist sex toy shop, start questioning everything they thought they knew about relationships, and it turns out to be a great thing for them. But if you and your girlfriend are gonna switch up the foundations of your relationship, you also have to be excited about the change—whether that’s seeing new people, or becoming friends with your girlfriend’s girlfriends. It can’t just be something you do to appease her. When you blow past your own boundaries and important self-knowledge, you only end up exhausted and resentful and it’s really, really hard to be a good partner and show up for your own life when you’re blocking out big chunks of it. At the same time, your girlfriend is being honest about her needs and the fact that she wants to date other people. It’s not fair to be resentful of something that you know about and agreed to, does that make sense? Your relationship is in a gridlock and from what I can see, there’s not a satisfactory way forward.
Look, breakups suck. It’s sad and exhausting to disentangle yourself from someone you love and it’s a rare, rare relationship that has no bright points or redeemable features. But do you know what else is stifling and MISERABLE and liable to implode in fiery, explosive drama? A relationship that isn’t working.
On what date should I reveal my tragic backstory? I have a pretty normal life but came from a very not normal background, and have always struggled to figure out when to start dropping hints/information about it to women I’m dating. I live in a major city and people mostly do not have the kind of background I do. I grew up poor in rural America in a very unstable family and experienced pretty extreme abuse/neglect (yes, I have a therapist…and a psychiatrist). My dad’s meth lab (he’s clean now) is not really third date material, but I come off as secretive or downright withholding if I put off discussing my past for too long. On top of that, my family is still totally insane so that plays out in the background of my life even now. The PTSD from these events definitely impacts my relationships and ability to date. For example, I’m fun and flirty and have a demanding job that requires decision making and aggressive suits/pencil skirts—people make assumptions about my sexuality that are…flattering, but unfortunately wrong. I struggle with physical intimacy because I was sexually abused as a child and can’t handle the pressure of people assuming I can perform a certain way in bed. I ended up just rolling with it most of the time? It was kind of a disaster? I stopped dating for several years to try to fix these issues, but I’m in a place where I think I can do this better than I have in the past. And honestly, I’m lonely. If I hit it off with someone, when is the right time to start explaining these things about myself? Is there a right time?
Messy on the Inside, 28