Queer Advice #65: single-passing and straight-passing
"I'm not threatened by the ex or the guys at work (maybe one a little bit because she told me he's a "really hot" doctor), but..."
It’s Monday and I’m back with a new queer advice column. This one is about a girlfriend who’s not out at work, to the extent that she has a work bff who doesn’t know about her queer relationship.
If you read this column and have feelings or something to say, think about leaving a comment. If you hit reply and email me directly, only I get to see it. I really appreciate your insights or perspectives--maybe you think I’m WRONG, maybe you’ve been through something similar--and I want you to share with the class.
If you have a question or a gay problem, send it my way whenever. I would be grateful for your problems.
xoxoxo, Maddy
I'd love advice on what kind of single-passing and straight-passing is fair to be bothered by and what kind isn't.
My girlfriend of a year and a half (let's call her Sofia) is bisexual, I'm a lesbian. A few cues lead me to think that most people assume she is straight. The most common is that cishet men everywhere constantly check her out and try to chat her up even when she's with me. Men and women helping us in stores or at restaurants or bars also have assumed we're straight. And in queer spaces most people ignore her and chat me up. But all these kinds of situations get a passive reaction - others assume, approach, and she corrects if appropriate for the kind of attention she received. But I suspect there's a more active level of single-passing and straight-passing she does that I don't know about. For example, she tells me that her work bff (an early-30s straight woman) talks about sex all the time, is very vulgar, with intimate sexual details like penis size regularly disclosed, including details about colleagues she's slept with. This work friend of 2 years doesn't know she is bi or partnered. I find it hard to believe anyone would talk so openly about sex with men on a daily basis at work to someone they sense may not be interested or who can't otherwise relate?? I know it's a leap, but I feel like she's taking a more active role in passing as straight, like she must be nodding, joking along, etc. with these stories -- giving cues if not sharing her own stories that signal she relates to and enjoys these raunchy stories about sex with men. This started to bother me more when she found out that a couple of guys at work intend to ask her out, and of course no one discouraged them because she hasn't told anyone she's partnered. She also told me she knows these guys are interested, and she can tell because they're "just a little too friendly" but it hasn't been acted on in a way that makes sense for her to be like "I have a partner." I get that, but also it's kind of a cop out because she could always answer an unrelated question about, say, her weekend, revealing that she has a partner like "my partner and I went upstate," which is almost always how I end up coming out to colleagues. Is it fair to be bothered by this seemingly selective passing?
I know what I'm really upset about is that she's not fully owning her identity or our relationship, but it seems trickier when you're queer. I don't need her to come out as bi, that is up to her discretion at work (even if we live in NYC, she's in healthcare, and she says half her colleagues are gay), but I feel like she owes it to me to disclose that she's partnered, at the very least if they ask her out...should she disclose knowing just that they intend to is another question.
Another thing raising this for me is that she said she's recently been in touch with her ex (a lesbian) and hasn't told her ex that she's in a relationship either, even though she says she expects her ex will be happy for her, which I am skeptical about because it took 6 months for the ex to finally stop reaching out to her when we had started dating. I'm not threatened by the ex or the guys at work (maybe one a little bit because she told me he's a "really hot" doctor), but it bothers me she's probably actively letting them all assume she's single and/or straight. What do you think? What's reasonable to expect (and ask) of her? Thank you!
Jaime, 38
Unsurprisingly I went to a historically women’s college and every May, after the semester ended, I stayed on campus and worked alumnae weekend. I had several different jobs, but my favorite was cruising around in a golf cart and chauffeuring elderly alumnae and their guests around campus. One night I was making my rounds when an empowered child asked if she could ride along and be my co-pilot. She was very charismatic and ran and got permission from her parents when I asked, so I was powerless to say no and welcomed her aboard. At one point in the evening, we were taxiing with the world’s oldest white man and she started telling him all about her life with two moms. She pointed to a dorm and was like, “My moms met in that building“ and this man was like, “Oh, your mother and your aunt are graduates of the college?“ And this little girl said, “No, they’re both my moms“ and he came back with, “You’re being cared for by your mother and her friend from school?” He was doing unbelievable mental gymnastics to circumvent the existence of lesbians. It sounds like you experience a version of this when you and your girlfriend are out together and a man comes up and hits on her. It’s WILD how many straight people--men and women--simply do not register queerness even when it’s right in front of them. Or they do register it, but in a shitty, oppressive way.
Before I go any further, I want to acknowledge that not all queer people can choose whether or not to come out in a given situation, and that passing is complicated and so intertwined with gender, race, class, body size, etc. Everyone’s life and experiences are different!! But for a lot of queer women, including me and probably your girlfriend, passing is a two-way street and deeply circumstantial. Your girlfriend cannot control if people see her as bi or not, especially in a workplace setting where she has to act professional and get along with all sorts of co-workers on top of her doing her actual job. Also, I question how realistic it is for her to divulge that she has a partner without inviting more questions. If I were trying to conceal my dykedom, I would make it easy on myself and refer to Liz as my “roommate“ or “live-in dog walker who’s obsessed with folding laundry.“
The next thing I want to say is that your girlfriend is allowed to enjoy some raunchy dick talk, oh my God. All kinds of people like hearing about all kinds of sex. It’s not that deep!! Also your girlfriend is bisexual, so she actually can relate to having sex with men…or at least wanting to? I was confused by that part of your question.
In a monogamous relationship, it’s reasonable to expect your partner to say no if someone asks her out. What’s not reasonable is expecting her to preempt romantic attention or code herself in such a way that people will subconsciously pick up on her sexuality and relationship status. That’s like, an impossible responsibility and assumes that her co-workers are bisexuality detectives paying close attention to her reactions and facial expressions. You’re also assuming that if someone is interested in your girlfriend, they’re going to do a ton of research beforehand and ask their co-workers for input, which is actually lesbian culture and not how most heterosexual men operate. Also, even if your girlfriend were openly talking about you and her bisexuality, that’s often not a deterrent. A lot of men don’t see relationships between women as real or worthy of respect. Sometimes you tell a man you’re queer and they become even more gross and entitled towards you. It’s bad!!
It seems like your girlfriend isn’t out at work to the extent that no one--not even her work bff who she talks to every day--knows that she’s in a relationship. This is not a question of straight-passing, as much as a deliberate choice she’s making. I’m just wondering like…do you have conversations? Do you ask her questions about her life and feelings? She must have reasons for not being out at work, especially if she’s out in other areas of her life e.g. friends, family, social media. As much as you can speculate about how queer-friendly her employer is, you won’t reach an understanding unless you use your words and ask her. It might be as simple as a bad experience at a past job, or wanting really clear boundaries between her professional and personal life. It’s reasonable for you to say something like, “I’m hurt that you have a close friend who doesn’t know that I exist. It makes me feel like our relationship isn’t important to you. Can you help me understand what it’s like for you at work?”
As far the ex-girlfriend goes, it is fishy that she doesn’t know about you. Sorry but that is weird.
It's very possible she's not out at work due to having the clearly defined boundaries that Maddy mentioned. I recall running into a co-worker at an out of state conference once and he said, "Oh, this is my wife..." and I tried to keep the look of surprise off my face because I had no idea he was married (didn't wear a wedding ring) or that he had children (tbc, we weren't in the same area of the company, so he was just someone I knew in passing but still, it was genuinely a shock to me). Some people are just like that, which if she is, then y'all should communicate to get an understanding about what's really going on and set expectations.
You keep saying that you're not threatened, but it doesn't come off that way. Speaking from experience, as a lesbian that's in a relationship with a woman that identifies as bi, it's totally possible for your gf to be okay with hearing about her work bff's sexploits and sharing her experiences with men back to her co-worker. Baseline, you've got to be honest with yourself about how comfortable you actually are dating a woman that's bi, because loving/being attracted to dudes and to women is who she fundamentally is on a sexual/romantic level.
Also, 100% def agree it's weird her ex doesn't know about you. A year and a half in lesbian years is eons. I hope your talk with her goes well, because there's a lot to discuss, and I wish you luck!