Queer Advice 66: Dyke/Fag solidarity now
" I think people pick up on his self-loathing when he tries to date and then reject him..."
Hi! I’m back with a new queer advice column after taking some time off to move--a heinous, multi-step process that entailed flying back to Wisconsin and driving my car back to Somerville in a record day and a half and then getting my apartment, storage unit, and dogs to rural Vermont.
I know everyone reading this knows what it’s like to move, but this was another level of hell. I was having dreams about opening boxes. I felt too tired and overwhelmed to do anything except watch TikTok and eat yogurt. As recently as last weekend, my girlfriend wanted to go into a thrift store, which normally I love, but the idea of stuff—looking at it, transporting it home, assuming responsibility for it, made me sick. But yesterday, I went into town and felt moved to at least pop my head in. So I’m back. I have so much cool stuff planned for the upcoming weeks. I’m excited.
If you’re so moved, send me a queer advice question of your own and read my entire back catalog of TV recaps, queer advice columns, and other important dyke missives here. xo, Maddy
I’m a they/them dyke of oscillating gender in my mid 30s and my best friend is a cis gay guy who is the same age, we’ve been extremely close for 15+ years and I love him more than almost anyone! I grew up in a major city with parents who don’t care than I am gay/trans and a sibling who is also gay/trans, my bestie grew up in a very small town with parents who are very homophobic and siblings who are maybe politically moderate at best, though not unsupportive. He came out to his sisters many years ago and to his parents last year (though he has generally been out in all other contexts as long as I’ve known him).
I have so much compassion for him and where he is coming from but he has so much internalized homophobia, biphobia and cissexism. I think when he had a serious boyfriend he was making progress but he’s been single for a while lately it feels like he’s backsliding in a real way …And it’s been hurting me a lot and like “getting on me” in a way that leaves me feeling sad and even ashamed?
Though I have had the privilege of nice parents and growing up in a city I have been gay for a long time and experienced my fair share of homophobia from others and there are wounds that get opened up from this. I have always had other gay and trans friends and I think being gay and trans is beautiful and special, this person’s queerness is part of what initially drew me to him … but my friend’s close friends (other than me) are either straight women or bisexual in a way that he can be quite dismissive of (see the aforementioned biphobia) and I think this 1) causes him loneliness 2) allows him to imagine sometimes that his internalized homophobia only hurts him! Also to be clear I hate to see him hurting himself! It seems really painful and also I think people pick up on his self-loathing when he tries to date and then reject him (he is otherwise deeply a catch, very physically beautiful and relationally lovely, very smart, well read, caring, keeps a beautiful home, etc) and it perpetuates this cycle of loneliness and lack of accountability and deeper intimacies. I want to be able to talk about this with him in a way that is loving and compassionate but is also like “baby you are 36 you can not continue to live like this, it’s hurting you and frankly it’s hurting me”! Any ideas would be so helpful ! I know you are a difficult conversations master! Thanks!
Dyke/Fag solidarity now, 34
It’s wild to call me a difficult conversations master because in my own life and relationships, I have to work really hard to talk about my feelings and not bottle it all up like a freakin’ goblin of sadness and repression. But if I’ve learned anything in my years of writing gay advice, it’s that the only thing you can do to solve a relationship problem (besides living in misery, which is not a real option OR breaking up, which very much is) is to be honest with the other person and ask them to change. This is not an easy thing to do!! It’s vulnerable and scary to tell someone that their words and actions are hurting you. Also, communication is a two-way street. Sometimes the other person actually listens and shares their perspective and the processing just flows—you hug, cry on each others’ boobs, and find a way forward. Other times, you put yourself out there and the other person responds with anger and defensiveness. They might ghost you or passively agree with everything you’re saying and then just keep doing what they were doing before. What is almost certainly true is that if you don’t try to have a conversation at all, your resentment and hard feelings toward your friend will grow and your relationship will sour irreparably.
It’s clear that you care deeply about your friend. You understand that like a lot of people with jerk tendencies, he’s carrying around a hefty share of shame and sadness. It’s like when the girl starts doing dark magic in The Craft and it turns around and hurts her even more.
Reading your question, I wasn’t sure how exactly how your friend’s internalized homophobia is manifesting in your relationship. I assume it’s thoughtless comments or a certain hostility that you’re picking up on. Perhaps the vibes are simply off. But in any case, I’m not really worried that you’ll go into your difficult conversation™ without compassion.
I believe conventional lesbian wisdom about “I” statements, etc., certainly applies in this situation but I would worry less about the specifics of how you communicate and stay focused on actually saying what you mean, which can be difficult when you love someone and feel protective of their feelings. It can help to take the time before the conversation to write down the key points you want to communicate and practice saying out loud (to yourself or a neutral friend) the things you’re nervous about saying. Keep the conversation focused on the way his behavior hurts you, and provide specific examples. Obviously, don’t scream at him or call him a stupid bitch (derogatory), but you wouldn’t be wrong for expressing anger or being a little sloppy in your delivery. You’ve been friends for like, 100 years. If he reacts negatively or refuses to listen to you, that might be an indication that he’s not able to be the kind of friend you want and need in your life right now.
Oh yay welcome back!!!! I hope rural Vermont is much kinder to you and your gf and the pups. The light situation looks so good!!!!!!!!! I hope you find bliss in post-moving hell.