Queer Advice #67: so much deep anxiety
"From some deep googling, I found out that I had an older half sister."
Happy Sunday! You’re reading Queer Advice, a column where I answer real questions from real homosexuals. Today’s question is from someone who was adopted by lesbians as a baby and is weighing whether or not to come out as trans to their half-sister, who they have never met irl.
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xoxo, Maddy
Hi Maddy, Thanks for writing this column, my girlfriend and I follow it avidly. Reading your column together before bed was actually a foundational bonding experience when we first started dating, and we still love it.
Anyway, I put off writing about this bc it’s such a soap opera level niche problem, but I’d truly love to hear your take. I’ve always known I was adopted, but 4 yrs ago I found out that my parents knew my birth mom had passed away when I turned 18 and had simply never shared this. I also found out that they’d had a lot of records that they’d previously implied were not available through a closed adoption. I love my family and as an only child grew up close to my lesbian parents, but it was shocking they hadn’t ever told me about my own history even as an adult. On top of this, I had just come out as trans to them and they were really struggling to be supportive, so family trust was already tricky. It was a majorly destabilizing time that sent me into a PI style research frenzy about my birth history.
From some deep googling using this new info, I found out that I had an older half sister. She had been separated from our birth mom as a child and was raised by her father’s white military family in Georgia. A year into the pandemic I got a mysterious package that included a release form saying that someone was trying to contact me. My half sister and I got in touch and at first things seemed really cool. I got to learn about her life in Florida and she told me a little more about our birth mom’s story. I was nervous but excited to explore what this relationship could look like. At first, she seemed kind and open. She was chill about me being gay, and even asked if we should talk through a counselor at first (which I naively passed on). But the more we chatted, red flags started to surface and I noticed our interactions began to make me incredibly anxious. I won’t detail them all, but it was mainly random right wing talking points about gender, cops, her traditional husband, and some derogatory comments about our shared ancestry (unlike me, she’s white passing and was raised by white conservatives). I didn’t want to be judgey, but in these especially scary times as a trans poc I’m very wary of any Florida based right wing signaling. This made it a LOT harder for me to casually interact with her and unsure of how to move forward, because most of all I hadn’t yet told her I’m trans and I had actually just begun medically transitioning.
Because it’s already been so difficult to find security about my identity with my own family who I’ve known forever, I didn’t feel up to figuring that out with her at the same time. My anxiety around this got so bad I’d go weeks without replying, and stopped phone calls altogether since my voice changed. Someone advised me to just tell her everything and if it doesn’t work out then that’s ok, but I’m not sure that it would be ok! Normally I’m upfront about who I fundamentally am with everyone in my life, and if it means losing people I can handle that. But I’m so afraid of her rejecting me because of my identity or politics, and I don’t even know what kind of relationship I want to have with her. I don’t want to lose the only connection I have to my birth mom, and the possibility of searching for extended family in China together. I don’t want to deprive her of this connection either. It all feels very high stakes, and my previous therapist had nothing to say about it besides to “figure out how I feel.”
I mostly feel really guilty, especially when she tries to relate to me over her idea of sisterhood. I feel stuck because I don’t know how to process all of this and go about my (already overwhelming) daily life, so I’ve put off meeting her and her husband in person a few times. Last month I finally just said I was going through a lot and needed to take a step back from everything except occasional texts so I can figure myself out. But every time she texts to reach out again it triggers so much deep anxiety, it’s like I can’t even think of how to reply without feeling the weight and meaning of every interaction.
I’ve been mulling this whole issue over for many months, and am simply left feeling awful. Am I seriously overthinking this? I mean maybe she’s totally sweet and open minded, and I’ve just been avoiding something that didn’t have to be a problem in the first place! There’s so much I’d like to talk to her about, but where should a person even begin in a situation like this?
tired diaspora queer, 28
I think you’re wise for taking a step back from your sister. “Not right now“ is a real answer, so is “I don’t know.“