It’s Wednesday and I’m in your inbox with a new advice column. I got a big influx of subscribers after my essay about soup and the decline of Instagram, so if you’re new to TV Din Din: welcome! Queer Advice is a reoccurring feature where I answer questions from anonymous gay people. Today we are talking about babies, bad news from the doctor, and being forced to make a big life decision before you’re ready.
You can send me a question of your own here <3
xoxo, maddy
I am a 28 year old, cis, bisexual woman living in a country that (thankfully) has amazing maternity and paternity leave. That's relevant to my question because I found out very recently that that I have low fertility for my age. My doctor told me that if I want to have a baby I should ideally try NOW. The longer I wait, the less likely it is to work.
My life situation doesn't make this easy though. The doctor said I can wait a year or two, but more is risky. Any waiting is risky. I am starting a new business (literally just quit my job). And I have two serious partners, because I'm polyamorous. One man, who I've been with for almost 10 years. We are married, but the last year there have been some serious issues in our relationship, mostly because of him lying about a whole smattering of things (all the way from cheating to jobs to other totally inconsequential things). The other partner is a man/non-binary person (hard to categorize) who I have been with for 1.5 years.
I love them both very much. We have a good kitchen table polyamory situation. I live with my husband, but see them both every day, we go on vacations (together too sometimes), and live pretty "normal" equal lives (not super hierarchical). I think we are generally all on the same page that if there is a kid in the mix, the three of us would have to co parent in some shape or form. But the details (including who would be the dad) are not something we've discussed.
And quite frankly, if it was up to me I would NOT be having a kid with either of them in the next year or two. One relationship is too new, the other too rocky. But now, I feel my hand is being forced. So what do I do? How do I make this life changing decision? Up until now I haven't even known I want to have kids, I've been very on the fence, maybe leaning yes sometimes. But this is making me think it is something I want. Or is that only because the choice is maybe being taken from me?
In terms of other options: adopting from the country I live is very rare (thankfully not many children need to be adopted locally), and internationally is too expensive and also ethically fraught I feel. Surrogacy is not legal in this country, and too expensive if I did it anyway (foreign surrogacy is an option, but ditto the same problems as adoption). IVF with someone else's eggs is not something I'm interested in.
I feel so lost, resentful, angry. I'm 28 and my friends in their mid 30s are trying to get pregnant now and not worrying at all. I just don't know how to deal.
Baby brain, 28
As you can imagine, a lot of the questions that come across my desk are from people wondering if they’re queer or not. And I’m like, “I don’t know! Are you?“ For me, personally, the idea that I might be gay was not a big stretch when I started seriously thinking about it. There were a lot of clues, including all the times in high school I snuck into a local college library to read Bitch magazine. But everyone is different! I want to preface my response by saying that the point of this or any advice column is to have a total stranger weigh-in on your personal life and realize that as isolated as you feel in your struggles, other people understand and have even been through something similar.