queer advice #76: my ex has so much power over people
"When my ex and I broke up, we made a deal to tell each other when we started a new 'serious' relationship..."
Hello! Welcome back to queer advice, a regular feature where I answer questions from queer people with problems. Today’s question is from someone who went through an amicable breakup over a year ago, but is haunted by delayed-onset feelings of anger towards their ex.
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xoxo as always, Maddy
Hey Maddy! First time caller, long time listener/subscriber! I treasure all your zines and love waking up to your emails, tysm for doing what you do. I wanted to ask you advice about something that I’m having a hard time admitting to myself but is becoming more and more of an undeniable problem, and since you have so much exGF experience it seems right to ask you.
After my previous long term relationship (6+years) I took a year to heal, did some INTENSE therapy and put in a lot of reflective and honest work which has led me to a beautiful relationship with the love of my life and have never felt more seen, fulfilled, and safe. When my ex and I broke up, we made a deal to tell each other when we started a new “serious” relationship, a pact which i now regret, and i should probably mention that after we broke up, we still continued to talk sporadically (codependency, overlapping friends, etc) When I fulfilled that pact and told her about my now-GF, she got incredibly upset and ultimately decided that she could no longer be my friend. I was left questioning a lot of our previous relationship, and wondered if she could ever, had ever seen me as a separate person, and not just someone that served her, or was an extension of herself. I would be delighted to hear if she was dating someone else, and would even be down to talk to her about it, whereas she eventually admitted that “she couldn’t handle seeing me happy with another person.” We used to fall into a pattern that left me feeling like I was constantly conceding to her, prioritizing her in a way that wasn’t reciprocal and I think I still have a lot of resentment about that. I am a recovering people-pleaser and I know that our dynamic was born from both of our insecurities, I’m just really having trouble not thinking about how upset I am with her. She is haunting me, and i want to yell at her, fight with her, get some kind of closure and of course I don’t want to contact her (I have her blocked) but those renewed feelings I have are driving a wedge between our mutual friend and I, who I consider one of my closest friends and my ex considers her bestest friend. It feels like my ex has so much power over people, and I don’t want to give her any more by approaching our mutual friend about her, however, i must admit that I am finding it increasingly hard to talk to our mutual friend because she is so associated with my ex.
It also feels prudent to mention that we had an “amicable breakup” at the time, and I feel really uncomfortable bringing these feelings up again to our shared mutual friend, because every time i do, i have the suspicion/feeling that its an incredibly stressful topic (she assures me it’s not) and I want to be the bigger person and figure out these feelings on my own, but it’s hard! No one gives you a blueprint for all of this and i would really appreciate your advice for handling this situation, or even just some words of affirmation. I have discussed these feelings with my current partner, who is extremely caring and supportive, but she doesn’t have any LTR experience so it’s difficult for her to relate and ultimately I feel like I’m having trouble conveying myself.
Sincerely and ultimately, Annoyed, 30
Okay so just to recap: for six years, you were in a relationship with someone who expected you to manage her feelings and prioritize her comfort and happiness over your own. This made you feel terrible and when you eventually broke up, you went to therapy to confront all the negative self-beliefs that had kept you stuck in such a painful, one-sided dynamic. You started dating someone new and got to experience life in a healthy, more even-keeled relationship. And then, you approached your ex with openness and followed through on your breakup treaty--that she agreed to--and she responded with her same old shenanigans. The only difference now is that you’ve changed. You know it’s not your job to set yourself on fire to keep her warm/shrink yourself to make her feel taller/live in the shadows so she can get a tan, etc, which is what she’s asking you to do when she makes extreme, black-and-white statements like, “We can NEVER be friends again“ or “I CANNOT handle you being happy with someone else.“ So now you’re just like, “What the fuck? Why did I tolerate this person for so long? Why does my close friend tolerate her?“ The anger you’re feeling is a sign of growth and forward motion. The discomfort is good, actually. It means you expect more from the people in your life.