queer advice #79: ready or not
"How do I thaw out into a happy romantic/sexual life after a hard bunch of years and as an older queer?"
Hi everyone, I’m back with a new queer advice column. Today’s question is from a 46-year-old who feels a lot of caution towards sex and dating. Topics of discussion include aging, dating apps, and why anyone would want to date or have sex when the end result is sometimes VERY BAD.
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If you have a question for me, just ask. xoxo, Maddy
Hi! I'm writing with a question/plea for perspective. TL;DR: How do I thaw out into a happy romantic/sexual life after a hard bunch of years and as an older queer? Every other area of my life is really good and I'm very grateful for everything I have but it feels like I have put this incredibly important part of myself in a sealed bunker and I'm not sure how to get out.
The backstory: a long time ago (think like edging up on a decade) I had a difficult entanglement with an ex that involved very little sex and a lot of caregiving from me to them (pouring almost all my energy into their big family loss, significant & cascading mental health crises, chronic illness stuff, etc). It was a really complicated connection that felt sometimes like violent emotional & narcissistic abuse and sometimes like a standard uneven but consensual queer situationship. I had to relocate to extricate myself (and even then spent another year or so on the phone and traveling for them). Around the time this was happening I also had a lot of upheaval in my professional life, in my friendships, plus the world, etc. I gradually separated from them and spent several years healing from the whole time period and I now feel really fully like myself, actually better than before, in almost all the ways--yay! Proud and grateful!
The one place I have not been able to restore my happiness is in my sexual & romantic life and it's painful. I went through a really empowering individual sexual healing coaching series. I've been on a bunch of first & second dates. I've made room for deep crushes that won't go anywhere but help me get excited about being in love again. I have a great therapist. But I feel really far removed from the fun, free, poly, kinky, delighted love & sex life I had in my 30s when I met this person. I can tell that I fixate on healing out of habit/unmet needs, and I just need to get under someone else, but it's harder for me to get into one-night stands, friendly friends, or hookups now--I feel insecure about my skills and about making sexual connections after so long of a dry spell (and as a survivor it's always a little easier to default to "don't get hurt"). I know I have a lot to give and a lot of relationship savvy but I worry about how fair it is to bring this into a personal sexual connection. I think about looking for a sex worker who does healing, to break through this barrier, but I'm not sure how to find that or if it's necessary. It's also hard to find other people who can relate to being both in the healing moment I'm in and being in my phase of life as a middle-aged person. Even the friends I have who are also around my age & dating seem more open to connecting with others or more up for the trials of meeting through community & on the apps.
What do you think? Even just words of support would be helpful. I want to get there but it feels so far away. I hope this isn't too long and thank you for being awesome.
Ready or Not, 46
The same day this question came into my inbox, I received another question from someone who was also in a harrowing relationship a decade ago and has been abstaining from sex and dating ever since. Like you, this person had to relocate in order to extricate themselves from their ex. Unlike you, this person is totally happy not pursuing sex or romantic relationships and their question is about whether or not to stop identifying as a lesbian, if maybe asexual and aromantic would be a better fit, and whether it’s okay to use an identifier when you’re not sure if it applies to you (I’m always hesitant to answer questions about identifiers because it’s really not my call and my answer is almost always going to be it’s fine, stop worrying so much.) But both of your questions made me think about how much energy, intention, and time it takes to have any kind of sex and dating life, especially when you’re queer and there are objectively fewer fish in the sea. Even if you’re someone who strongly identifies as a fun slut or as my grandma would say, “popular,” it’s so easy to drop out of the game when, for whatever reason, your priorities change. You have to really want it to get it, you know?