queer advice #80: plagued 💀

"HOW DO YOU GO BACK IN TIME AND NEVER MEET ANYONE?"

Hi!! Happy Sunday! It’s time for a new queer advice, a column where I answer questions from gay people. Today’s column addresses a quintessential lesbian problem: what do you do when an ex you never want to see again is friends with all your friends and at all the same parties and events?

If you’re yearning for further advice, ask me a question or go back and cruise my entire archive. If you know someone who would be into this sort of thing, send it their way. Please :)

Okay, now I have to go do a Bound/Monster double feature because I saw Love Lies Bleeding last night. g2g, Maddy

xenaworrierprincess

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About a year ago, after going through a career crisis that resulted in me quitting my stable job to pursue a the career in the fine arts that I’ve always wanted to, I met this one particular lesbian in a group for other people pursuing the same career. She was openly polyamorous and this was new to me, but it was something I was open to as commitment was always the biggest fear I’ve held in my past relationships and, to be honest, I was wildly attracted to her and really wanted to get to know her. We went on a few of those classic lesbian dates that last hours and make you feel like you’re falling deeply in love, during which she seemed to be very into me and explicitly had the intentions of wanting some sort of commitment eventually. After a few weeks though, things started to move into the cold portion of hot and cold. After some prodding, she revealed that she was seeing a mutual friend and also had no interest in a relationship. She spent the next few weeks being hot and cold with me until I decided I couldn’t do the casual thing anymore and I ended things. I still wanted to be friends, especially since we had started working together on a few artistic projects at that point. However, as time went on, it became increasingly clear that things between her and the mutual friend were more serious than she was letting on. I confronted her, and she denied it, but after some sleuthing I figured out that she was lying to me.

I ended up ending this relationship with both people involved—the girl I dated for obvious reasons and the friend for proximity to the situation but also because I don’t jive with the way she’s treated some of my friends. The issue now is with my career/friends. We have so many mutual friends, and trying to make connections in our industry is hard because we live in a rather small city and everyone knows everyone in our field because of it. I can’t go to a gallery without either of their names coming up. It’s making it hard for me to both hang out with friends and go to things that might help me career in fear that they might come up or be there. Being around them just makes me feel stupid and immature, both because of the way they treated me as if I am dumb and also because I hate that I still care so much. It’s making me doubt if I am even cut out for this industry. Even my friends who understand what happened will still bring them up from time to time. I don’t know how Fleetwood Mac did it! We hardly even dated and they make my blood boil. I’ve left more than one event in tears because being around them makes me so uncomfortable. It’s kind of getting better but it feels like every time I see them or either of their names pop up I’m picking at a scab and I’m taking two huge steps backward. It feels like so much is at stake. I’m not the type to regret things but I currently regret ever meeting this girl and wish they would just kindly FUCK OFF thank you!!

How do I move on? How do I salvage this career without feeling like I’m doomed to be plagued by these people all the time (which I probably am)? How do I convince myself I can make a name for myself without them? HOW DO YOU GO BACK IN TIME AND NEVER MEET ANYONE?

Long time reader, thank you for everything you do. xo

Rumours by Fleetwood Mac, 26

A fun fact about me is that my distance vision is very poor and it’s difficult for me to see faces or recognize people who are more than several feet away. I wear glasses to drive and see movies, but not if I’m just walking around, reading, or looking at things that are close to my face. There have been many times in my life when I physically couldn’t see that one of my exes was about to walk past me on the street, or seated at a dimly lit bar. Sometimes this is very startling, but mostly it’s a blessing because I don’t have time to stress out about it. By the time they’re close enough for me to recognize them, all I can do is wave and say hi. Or sometimes we’ve just ignored each other, which I maybe accidentally initiated by not acknowledging them sooner? Oops. All that to say, most of the time running into an ex is a sort of awkward, unpleasant surprise — but it goes down the easiest when you treat it as a sort of passing discomfort that you have zero control over, like a stomach cramp or your foot falling asleep.

I really relate to this question because I too am gay and have lived most of my life in regional cities and small towns. I’ve also spent a lot of time in additionally niche, lesbian-coded spaces like Bryn Mawr College and food co-ops, so I know a lot about having a romantic falling out with someone and then running into them all the time (see also: breaking up with someone who’s friends with all your friends, or has a valid reason to show up at your workplace because they are your CO-WORKER). Alas, even my friends who live in Brooklyn and L.A. complain about how there’s no one to date because they’ve already dated everyone, their best friend’s ex-girlfriend hid from them at the co-op, their ex-girlfriends are dating again, etc. The brutal fact is that the lesbian world is very tiny. It might be smaller or larger depending on what you do for work and your social speed, but please know that this is just what life is like when you have a niche sexuality.

When you develop a crush on someone or admire their work, you’re elevating them above other people. You’re cultivating a practice of paying attention to them and valuing what they have to say. When that same someone hurts your feelings, especially by lying or sending mixed signals, you inevitably end up doing a sort of dark inversion of that elevation, by granting them unlimited space in your head. This creates a toxic miasma around them that inevitably results in your downward spiral. In these moments, you have to find a way to de-platform them mentally and emotionally. You have to hold tight to the truth that the person who wronged you is just a normal-ass person with their own flaws and insecurities. Nothing they do or say should have the power to make you feel unwelcome or less than worthy in your professional sphere, or really anywhere. It’s okay to dislike your ex and fantasize about her moving far away, but giving her control over your career and emotional well-being when she didn’t even ask for it is only punishing yourself. She’s just a person. She puts her pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else.

Now I want you to make two lists: one of all the reasons you make art and one of everything that makes you want to quit forever. I’ll bet money that your reasons to keep going are way more powerful and compelling than your reasons for quitting—for instance, the joy of making something new vs. the possibility of an encounter with your ex. How long have you even known these dykes? A year? Meanwhile, you’ve wanted to be an artist for your ENTIRE LIFE. These fraught encounters are not worth staying home from a fun party, let alone throwing away a lifelong dream. So when you ask how to salvage your career, I’m kind of like…from what? Lesbians who are 25 and bad at being poly? I wish that it wasn’t like this, but so much of being a successful artist or culture worker is encountering all kinds of jerks and indignities, and making your work anyway. Not to do toxic positivity, but this situation is a chance to practice showing up for your art and persisting in the face of discomfort and setbacks while the stakes are still relatively low (try going to meet your writer friend for a drink and she’s there with another author who wrote a weird/rude review of your book on Goodreads and now you have to pretend you don’t look at Goodreads HAHAHAAHAHHA. Not enough money in the world!!)

I get so many questions about cheating and how to cope when someone you love lies to your face and otherwise really hurts you. There’s a sense in these questions, and yours, that the other person and their new partner are getting away with something and must be brought to justice. But it’s like my grandma always said, “If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you“—meaning your ex who is polyamorous and a terrible communicator is absolutely bringing that energy into her new relationship and this affects her new girlfriend, but also her ability to have chill, reciprocal relationships. It’s best to be thankful that you got out of a situation wasn’t working for you, and count on the truism that people punish themselves.

And lastly, there’s no better revenge than living well. Focus on relationships that are supportive and honest, and treat your ex and her new girlfriend like middle school classmates you only sorta remember OR like odious co-workers you must tolerate in order to get through the day. It helps to develop some scripts for when you run into them. Think coldly polite with an exit statement e.g. “Hi. Have you seen X’s painting in the other gallery? The talk is about to start. I’m going to go sit down.“ If people ask you about them, say something bitchy yet diplomatic like, “I wish them well.” You can be petty and vent all you want with your close friends, but treating someone like your own personal Dracula and going out of your way to avoid them will only increase their power over you.