queer advice #82: my girlfriend’s younger coworker
"Around a year ago, my girlfriend and I both became interested in the same person..."
Hello friends, fellow dykes, and/or casual TV Dinner readers. If you know me, you know I love Julio Torres and have been frothing at the mouth to see Problemista since the trailer came out LAST YEAR. On Friday, it was finally showing in Montpelier but Liz and I were late getting out the door, so on the drive there, she asked if I wanted to wait an hour and see a later showing of the Zendaya threesome movie instead. I was like, let’s just see how far we get in 7 minutes and then decide. Miraculously, there was no traffic going into town and we found parking right away. I was like, Problemista is finally going to happen for me. It’s all coming up Maddy.
So we get inside the theater, find our seats, and I’m feeling triumphant because the trailers haven’t even started yet. I did sort of wonder what was up but you have to understand that Vermont is an unregulated, freeflowing place—one time I went to a movie that the staff just forgot to start playing. The trailers finally started, including the trailer for Problemista and I was so pumped, like let’s gooooo. And then the movie came on but it was not Julio Torres, it was Olivia Colman in a Masterpiece Theatre ass joint. It turned out we had walked into a showing of Wicked Little Letters, which Liz described as, “a movie I would watch on day 3 of being sick on the couch.“
Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. Wicked Little Letters is what happens when you don’t realize there’s another theater downstairs. This queer advice column is about a couple becoming a throuple, and then going back to being a couple.
If you have an advice question of your own, send it to me whenever, wherever. And don’t forget to check out the new Choose Your Own Dykeventure zine!! I’m donating 10% of sales to Palestine Legal, a U.S. organization that provides aid to people who have lost their jobs or faced retaliation for supporting Palestine.
xoxo, Maddy
Around a year ago, my girlfriend and I both became interested in the same person, who happened to be my girlfriend’s younger coworker. We decided to open up the relationship. I started talking to some people, but my girlfriend’s main interest was this coworker. At this point my girlfriend and I had been together for three years and living together for a year. My personal inclination is to take on a caregiving/putting others needs in front of my own role and my aloof girlfriend’s is the opposite. One night I made a move on the coworker, and we all three started becoming involved. The imbalance of responsibility started to really come to a head. I had trouble expressing my needs and the other two really didn’t like talking about anything unless I brought it up and forced them to. Because they were coworkers, they saw each other more often than I usually got to see them. I often felt left behind when all three of us went out and I felt pressured into sex by both of them on a few occasions. Taking care of two people’s needs while suppressing my own was just too much. We had hard conversations about it but the dynamic was hard to change and the processing of emotions was a lot. After a few months, all three of us decided to stop seeing the coworker, and try just being friends as we had been in the past. This eventually led to some drama on her end so we all decided being friends was too much. My girlfriend and I are still together, but a specter of this relationship remains.
Over the past year, we’ve talked a lot about how careless my girlfriend was being with everyone’s feelings, including her own. We’ve talked what feels like endlessly about how I need to allow her to take on more responsibilities in the relationship and let my needs be known. We’ve really gotten into the weeds about how we made each other feel. But I feel like I still haven’t gotten over the whole thing the same way my girlfriend has. I’ll be fine for a few days and suddenly feel so sad and mad about how the whole situation played out. Sometimes I feel like cheating or doing something just to “get back” at my girlfriend for how her lack of awareness and respect made me feel. So how do I move on and get over the loss of one relationship and build back up another?
Lamenting in LA, 25
Is it possible that when you imagine yourself cheating or doing something to “get back” at your girlfriend, what you’re actually fantasizing about is getting out? As in, getting out of this relationship?? For good??