queer advice #84: setback after setback
"I'm tired of upending my life when things feel uncertain."
Happy summer solstice! I’m back with a new edition of queer advice, a column where I answer questions from struggling gay people. Today’s question is about uncertainty, a girlfriend with an injured back, and what it means to be in a relationship that might end someday. This is probably the hardest queer advice question I’ve ever answered—it’s so multi-layered and I really wrestled with what to say. I’m hitting send now, but I’ll be thinking about it for a long, long time.
If you’re a queer person with a problem, send me a question here. You can read all my past advice columns, TV recaps, and assorted writings at anytime by going to my main page. I have been writing this newsletter for almost FOUR YEARS, so there is a lot to read.
xoxo, maddy
I have been with my kind, brilliant, wonderful girlfriend for about two years, living together just over a year and a half. I'm 34, have dated a fair amount, been in a couple of long-term relationships, and feel confident that she and I have the kind of emotional connection that does not come along very often. We fell very hard and fast and in a very gay way. When we're at our best, it feels like we're sharing a brain. She's a thoughtful friend, a detailed sous-chef, adorable, emotionally aware, and gives head like she went to school for it.
All that said, it feels like the past year and a half has been marked by setback after setback for her. Shortly after we moved in together, she lost an extended family member to suicide and so our early nesting period was marked by her grieving process. A few months after that, she injured her back at work and had to leave her physically-demanding job. She received a significant payout from her job due to the injury, so this has not been a problem for us financially, thank goddess. She has dealt with some frustrating setbacks in the medical care she's receiving for the injury but is moving forward, though is dealing with some pretty limited mobility. She continues to look for new work but hasn't found anything yet.
Between the injury and unemployment, she's been stuck at home for most of the last year. When we do go out, activity is limited to sitting/eating/drinking-type activities, which has affected both of our bodies and energy levels. She struggles with negative self-image at the best of times, and all of these issues have made this worse. I do things without her but not as often as I'd like - I am working on this, but I do love her and love spending time with her, and it's hard knowing that she's spending most of her time at home alone and waiting for me to come home (I work a full-time in-person job).
I'm worried that all of this is happening too soon in the relationship for me to be able to deal with this with the kindness and patience she deserves. I feel myself alternately getting frustrated with her, or dissociating entirely. I am feeling resentful of the life I am in in a way that feels completely unfair to her but that I am having trouble letting go of. She is adamant that things are going to go back to normal with her health and her job, but it's hard for me to feel sure about that.
I think the hardest part of all of this is the way it causes my energy towards the relationship to vacillate - sometimes we'll be talking about the future, other times I'm quietly contemplating whether I should even be in this relationship. On her end, she is very committed to building a future with me, and it hurts her when I pull away. This dynamic is a bit of a pattern for me - I am almost always the breakup initiator in my relationships (I am also almost always the relationship initiator in my relationships, for what it's worth, this one included). I am just not sure how other people deal with the knowledge that most relationships end eventually, and that you don't always see things as they really are when you're in love with someone, but I find these things really distressing sometimes and they make me question my ability to make big plans with a partner. Sometimes I am not so sure that it is really wise to have so much of my life tied up in a romantic relationship - it seems like an inherently unstable basis for shared housing and finances, to start. That said, I am sure there will come a time where I am the one who needs more support, and that I might feel very differently then.
I am not really even sure what I am asking here. I don't want to break up with her just because she's dealing with some really sticky things that I know are not her fault. I also don't want to break up with her because I love her and I'm tired of upending my life when things feel uncertain. I guess what I'm asking is - how do other people deal with these feelings day-to-day? Are most people really walking around feeling completely lifelong committed to their partners, or are people suspending disbelief a little bit and therefore potentially making commitments that they're not going to keep? Is it wrong to be in a relationship that you think might need to end at some future, undetermined point? Is it fair to be with someone on the condition that things are going to need to change, and to saddle a struggling person with that additional pressure? I am in therapy which has been great for more targeted trauma coping mechanisms, but if I'm being honest, I don't really trust my current provider's relationship advice in general.
Jamie, 34
Okay so just to recap: you love your girlfriend and understand that her limited mobility and grief are outside of her control. You don’t want to break up with her, but you’re also terrified of uncertainty. This fear has led you to end relationships in the past, and it seems obvious, at least to me, that the frustration and distance you feel towards her is because she reminds you that nothing in life is ever guaranteed and the human body is extremely fragile—profound loss, debilitating injury, and other “setbacks“ can happen to anyone, including you, at any time. You’re also hyper-aware that everyone, including you, is liable to change and it’s prompting you to question whether or not you should be in this, or any, relationship. And lastly, you’re putting the responsibility on your girlfriend to snap back to normal, when, based on what I’m reading, you’re the one who’s rigid and stuck in extreme, black-and-white thinking patterns.