queer advice digest: conversational pillow queens, my friend's relationship makes my skin crawl, dykes of Minnesota
Hi! Welcome to Xena Worrier Princess, a queer advice column for the internet. How is everyone feeling after two full years of Covid? I’m really sorry for asking, it’s actually a journal prompt I’ve been avoiding.
Today I’m responding to the following people:
a self-identified baby gay who is frustrated with “conversational pillow queens“ on dating apps
someone whose friend is in a bad relationship with a bad person and but invites them to hang out and take trips together
a dyke who is wondering how to be a hot dyke during the long, cold Minnesota winter
Keep reading for a preview, subscribe for all 3. If you’re a paid subscriber, you can read my entire back catalog of advice columns. It’s extensive and includes such gems as “I’m a perceived threat“ and "should we get back together?“ and “lesbian rollercoaster ride.“
xoxo, Maddy
dear xena -- i’m a lesbian dealing with some frustration. i only use dating apps bc of the panny but i’m starting to get kind of exhausted talking to other baby gays (human). we’re all pretty young so i don’t expect them to be equipped w a strap and tons of queer experience, but i usually have to be the one who makes the conversation something other than “hi you’re so beautiful” “omg please you’re stunning.”
i live in a small suburb and i’m just sad that it was easier to date men because they weren’t intimidated by/unfamiliar with dating women. as a darkskinned black woman, i’m used to people expecting me to be aggressive and dominant or whatever and it sucks feeling placed in that role when i’m trying to date. it’s not like i'm talking to people who just want to experiment but it feels like i only match with conversational pillow princesses? i could be overthinking but do you have any advice for a lesbian who wants to experience more reciprocation? ttylxox
unlucky in like, 21
Sadly, a lot of what you’re describing is just what dating apps are like. It’s difficult to find meaningful connection anywhere in this world, let alone on an app designed to harvest your personal information and keep you engaged for as long as possible. I’m sure you’re already aware of this, but the apps are full of looky-loos and tire kickers. They don’t they actually want to date or meet anyone, they’re just online.
Without dating apps, it’s difficult to meet other lesbians in a small town. At the same time, apps can be shitty places for anyone marginalized. As a dark-skinned Black woman, you’re expected to initiate and keep the ball rolling in conversations. You’re not alone when it comes to your irl marginalization showing up on dating apps: fat people often feel invisible, not everyone wants to select a gender, and all kinds of BIPOC and not-cis men face harassment and serious safety concerns. It’s a LOT. I wish it was different. If you’re reading this and you’ve found a way to make dating apps more bearable, tell us your secret in the comments. Are some apps better than others? Does it help to write certain things in your bio?
You’re on the apps to find a real-life relationship, correct? Instead of a long conversation, make an irl date your goal. There’s a pandemic, I know, and it will take extra planning, but my advice is to be like, “Would you want to get coffee or drinks sometime soon?“ as soon as you feel potential with someone. When you message with someone for a long time without meeting irl, it’s easy to turn them into a fantasy or project expectations onto a relationship that doesn’t exist yet. You can also be into someone’s pictures, but attraction and chemistry are a whole vibe. I, for one, need to meet someone to know for sure. You also have to remember that online connections are fragile at first and written communication is a specific skillset. Not everyone can to keep a conversation going, some people are clinically bad texters.
As you know, lesbian dating is a lot harder than straight dating. The dating pool is small. A lot of lesbians prefer to date their friends or people they already know. I know so many lesbians who cannot be single or date casually—they bounce from one serious relationship to the next in a matter of weeks. There’s a reason why there are so many lesbian memes about long distance relationships, dating your ex-girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend, and not knowing who’s supposed to make the first move. It’s rough out there!
I think the trick to not feeling demoralized by the apps and dating in general is to recognize that what you’re doing is really difficult. It’s like looking for one cool person in a massive crowd and you don’t even know what they look like. I know I’m throwing a lot at you but to be honest, I’m not worried. I can tell from your letter that you are a self-aware, wise-beyond-your-years genius who comes up with things like “conversational pillow princesses.“ You’re gonna figure it out.