It’s February and I’m back with a new queer advice column. I tried something different with this one. Instead of answering one big question, I answered some of the shorter questions that came across my desk. It usually takes me a week to write one advice column, so I wanted to try answering questions in a more informal way. I had fun!!
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xoxo,
Maddy
Like many lesbians, I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend. After our break up, I took a long time to heal, recover from the pain of losing her, and work on myself. Once I finally started dating around, I ended up meeting someone amazing who, unfortunately, looks a lot like my ex-girlfriend. They're so physically similar that friends of friends have mixed up their names.
On one hand, I could say I have a type. I love a certain high femme art girl borderline horse girl aesthetic. On the other hand, I'm worried my subconscious is mixing them up. That wouldn't be right or fair to the new girl, who is a full real person worthy of knowing on her own terms. I've worked hard to differentiate them in my mind. We're all in therapy too, BTW. The new girl has tons of amazing qualities. I'm excited about getting to know her. Is there any universe where this can be healthy or okay?
R, 33
If you were my friend and you were telling me this, I would ask for specific examples of how you’re conflating your ex for your current high femme art girl borderline horse girl. I don’t believe in the subconscious, at least not in a Freudian sense where a secret, second mind is pulling the strings on your life and decisions. You actually sound quite aware of your emotions and motivations. You’re in therapy. You’re doing the work. Don’t gaslight yourself into not knowing what you know. You know!!!
My ex was a specific astrology (sun) sign. The relationship did not end well. Now, if I find out anyone is that sun sign, I get scared/say no to going on a date or hooking up with them (I have actually done this). I THINK THIS IS STUPID but… is it? I used to think astrology was fun but now it’s like a brain-worm. How do I think differently? Or is it fine to just eliminate this sign from my life? (Please do not say, like, “sex and romance are related to the moon sign, not the sun!”)
Sunny brain worm, 29
I once dated a TERRIBLE woman. We broke up and for years afterwards, I would think about her and scream internally whenever I met someone who shared her name (she had a really common name, so this happened a lot). This sensitivity went away with time, along with the bitterness and lingering ick of the relationship. I’m a big believer that it takes half the time of the relationship to fully unplug from an ex, more if the relationship was abusive or you never made a meaningful break.
I won’t bring moon signs into this, but the astrology correction I would make is that we all have an entire chart and a sun sign is just one aspect of that. I’m wondering, however, if your ex really identified with their sun sign so when you meet people who lead with that information, they do indeed have a similar personality or energy as your ex. I also think there’s a tendency for queer people to self-identify their worst qualities and use astrology to put them on the table e.g. “I’m a Scorpio, so I’m secretive and you’ll never know how I really feel.“
Suffice to say, I don’t think you’re being irrational. There’s a lot to be said for the wisdom that comes with a bad breakup. I know after my first really bad heartbreak, I had a clearer sense of who I wanted to date and was less willing to compromise. So while I don’t want you to miss out on fun dates and dismiss people before you meet them, it’s okay to pass on people who seem annoying or simply not your bag. As with all things, you’ll be happiest walking a path somewhere in the middle.
Hi there! I'm a queer cis woman in my early 40s and I have a pretty basic dating question. While I have known myself as queer for most of my life, I'd say I came into it more in my last ten years. This coincides with my living in a very rural place that is, well, not in the contiguous United States. There are other queers to be sure, but wow are they difficult to stumble across up here! Dating apps are largely straight men, and there isn't a spot in town that is really the queer meet-up or anything. I am slowly making inroads and friends who share my sexual identity as well as these woes but the process is tough. Adding to that we are a seasonal work community so people come and go all the time. Any advice for dating in the queer wilderness?
C, 41
I maintain that the best way to meet other queer women is to focus on making queer friends. You could harness the internet’s queer potential by posting on Lex or using Instagram as a dating app. You might try your hand at vacation dating—find someone to correspond with and then meet for a thoughtfully planned weekend of hikes, diners, and gay sex. Vacation dating is not for everyone, but it has its charms and is the most accessible option when you live in a rural place. You could also do a temporary residency in a big city--preferably someplace where you have queer inroads already--and make socializing your full-time job. I know not everyone can leave their life and sublet a room in Portland for a month, but I think it would behoove you on this journey.
Hi Maddy! I'm a small-town bi person who's in a sex rut, to say the least. I've historically only slept with men (and only a few men at that) but I've learned I lean more towards sapphic and have been pursuing people exclusively inside of that umbrella for over the past year. Before that, I took a break from dating because of COVID and am still trying to be as cautious as possible about it. Unfortunately, I've had shit luck. I haven't been going out to events much because of the plague and there's not any near me that are catered to queer people, and dating apps have gotten me nowhere- the longest I've kept in contact with someone is maybe a month? The only proposition I've had for sex is from my best friend, which I currently just feel too weird about. I'm just struggling so much. I feel like my inexperience and fear about being Bad At Sex is hindering me so much. And I'm so bad at flirting. I know this may seem like an impossible question to give advice on, but I'll take anything you've got.
Nico, 24
It sounds like there aren’t a lot of queer women in your area. That is a demographic reality, not a reflection of how good you are at sex. Even my friends who are seasoned queers living in Brooklyn and Oakland complain about how hard it is to meet people and date. There are so many reasons for this, including the lack of societal scripts for queer women to follow and the lesbian tendency to disappear into long-term relationships, date within their pre-existing social circle, and jump from one serious relationship to the next. The fact that you’re having a rough time meeting other queer women isn’t your fault. It’s par for the course.
Similar to the question above, I’m going to prescribe you a friendship-first approach followed by vacation dating, being horny on the internet, and a sabbatical in a big city (not possible for everyone!! I know). It’s really hard to explore and understand your queerness without other queer people, so keep going to queer events and staying open to new connections.
Next, I get so many questions from people who are approaching gay sex like it’s test for which they have to prepare and practice. You have to remember that sex is just connecting with another person who, like you, is flawed and human and full of their own trauma and insecurities. People who are “good at sex” know how to listen. They’re into communication and trying new stuff. They make their partner feel desired and heard. Your partner also needs to listen and communicate. They need to make you feel seen and heard. There are so many reasons sex can be bad, but a big one is going into it with an agenda or treating it like a game you have to win. You have to feel it out as you go. Literally.
Helpp!!! I have dick envy of my bf! We are poly and everything is groovy there but for a few years now, I have generally been more busy then he is. A situation has happened a few times where we will meet a cute interesting girl and I will try to pursue but then realize I don't really have time, and then he swoops in and he gets to have a fling. It bums me out. A part of me gets mad thinking that the girls are just choosing him because we live in a hetero society and it's easier/more comfortable to hook up with a guy....but another part tries to not be bitter and accept that it's just the fact that I fill my time up with hobbies and work. I'm not sure if I should try to make more time for flings or if I should just chill the fuck out. Either way, I know I hate this dick envy and I want to not feel it.
Frustrated bisexual, 29
Is everything groovy? Really? You feel bad when your boyfriend swoops in and co-opts your shared dates. It’s going to keep happening until you establish some boundaries and communication on the subject. You also write that you withdraw from the women you date and aren’t sure why. Dating is exhausting. It’s understandable why you’d rather focus on work and hobbies. At the same time, if you feel like you’re missing out on dating women, something in your life that needs to change so you have more capacity to pursue relationships. Only you can say exactly what, maybe your boyfriend can do more housework or something.
Sooo I’ve been struggling lately. I’m a 37 year old who can’t seem to break it off w my gf. We’ve been together for 8 years. At first it was a lot of fun and lots of sex. It’s slowed down a lot. We get on each others nerves and fight a lot. Have sex maybe once or twice a month. I feel as if we don’t like each other anymore. We’ll bring up our issues but nothing changes long term. We each have a kid and have built this whole family life together. Even tho lately we’ve all been distant. We’re going on a trip to Portland next week for my daughters bday and I honestly wish her and her son weren’t going.
I mentioned how her son’s attitude has been a major issue and how I want a break from him and don’t want him to go. She got upset and said fine we’re not going. But maybe a week after that conversation she’s talking about plans for the trip. Didn’t even check in with me to see how I feel about it now. Tbh I haven’t said shit about the trip because I know my daughter would like them to go. So I’ve kept my mouth shut. Some days I wake up ready to make the change but then things will be nice between us and I can’t bring myself to breaking her heart. I also think that they way we get along has affected my attraction to her. Gosh reading back it’s like I know what I have to do but I’m scared of change.
The Canon, 37
It’s better to be single and overwhelmed by change than in a relationship that feels like garbage. Right now, you’re angry at a child. You and your girlfriend cannot do basic things like plan a weekend trip together. You have one foot out the door, Canon, and it’s not fair to you or your girlfriend.
You gotta get out of there. It will feel AWFUL at first. You’ll have days when you’ll luxuriate in the lack of conflict (imagine coming home and there’s no one there to be annoyed or fight with you), and days when you miss your ex and daydream about getting back together. Over time, you’ll stabilize. New people and experiences will come into your life. If you find yourself wavering, re-read this question to remind yourself how rough things were.
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