I’m back with an update from One Person L Word, who sent in a question back in May about an affair with an extremely unavailable co-worker that had ended their marriage and was still ongoing.
You can read the original question here. It’s also linked below.
I wanted to share this missive because “How do I get over my ex who ruined my life?“ or “I went through a bad breakup a long time ago and I can’t find a way to move on“ are questions I get ALL THE TIME. I’m never really sure how to answer because it’s different for everyone--and most of the you must go through a season of suffering before you can let go--but here’s a testimony from someone who actually did it. I’m happy for you, One Person L Word!!
More soon.
xo, Maddy
Hi Maddy, I wrote to you a few months ago explaining the complicated situation between myself and a colleague (Marion) who I had embarked on an affair with. We even shared an office!
Here's an update...
Firstly, I took your advice and, while she was away on a work trip, moved her out of my office and moved a different colleague in (there are two desks, hence it's a space for two people). I was completely upfront about it with Marion and she understood. We continued trying to be friends and it was really hard for me. During that same work trip, I'd asked her not to contact me because I needed space her and, as you will have guessed, she contacted me pretty much every day, on every platform!
About a month ago we spent a day together and I had a breakthrough (might have been, ahem, 🍄 assisted). Not only did this journey enable me to properly grieve my mother, who passed earlier this year, but I found myself telling Marion EVERYTHING about my feelings - how angry I was with her; how much she'd hurt me; how I'd struggled seeing her every day and being in love with her, etc. Nothing was left unsaid - and she also understood that it wasn't a two-way conversation, but a need for me to get everything out. I told her things I'd only ever journalled about. It was AMAZING and HEALING and totally cleansing.
I would never have expected this, but after the journey was over, all my feelings of despair, desperation and unrequited love were gone. I was able to recognise that she had been a bridge out of a deeply unhappy marriage (one I should have had the courage to leave, but hadn't at the time). She gave me a path out of a bad place and that didn't mean we were destined to be together forever - something you'd alluded to in your response. You'd said that I may have been holding on because she was the reason my marriage ended, and maybe I made it into something bigger/more significant than it was. It also helped me realise that Marion really has been there for me in many ways, particularly after my mom died, even if she couldn't be there for me on a romantic/love level. I love her deeply, and we will always be connected, but I finally feel FREE.
I want to thank you for giving me the nudge I needed to start this process. Moving her out of my office was a critical first step. Recognising that she didn't have to be my "forever" just because of the impact of our affair was also incredibly important for me. I feel very lucky and fortunate that, after almost two years, I have finally put the romantic feelings aside and can appreciate her as a friend - something neither you nor I had thought would be possible!
There was a lot of vitriol online around my behaviour and sure, I probably deserved it. I had never imagined I'd be someone to have an affair and what I will say is that life happens, we fuck up, and sometimes we end up doing things we'd never have thought ourselves capable of. I'm doing a lot of the hard therapy work to forgive myself, be genuinely apologetic with my ex (which I am), and to ensure that I make better decisions for myself moving forward. My ex has forgiven me and has also acknowledged the ways in which her regular angry outburts and aggression made married life difficult for me. I know we will always be connected but we will both move onto partnerships that are more closely aligned with what each of us needs.
Lastly, as for Marion, she's still with her husband and she got the lesbian affair she'd always wanted. Life is messy, messy, messy, and what I can say for sure is that you never know what will happen, but it's imperative to learn from your mistakes and be better and DO better.
A messy update, 39
I love this messy update SO MUCH. So happy for you, messy. 💗
This update may be the most gratifying read of my year. Your advice about not making your exit ramp into a long-term destination really hit home for me. Glad it did for One Person L Word, too. Inspirational!