should we get back together? 💔
an ex-wife who lurks, feeling sad about a breakup, a Facebook friend who posts conspiracy theories
Welcome to Xena Worrier Princess, a queer advice column for the internet. I think something is retrograding in my chart. I can’t stop feeling nostalgic for November 2012, my senior year of college, when my best friend and I would crouch behind her car and do bong rips in the movie theater parking lot in preparation to see Breaking Dawn Part 2, the fourth and final film in the Twilight saga. This is the film where Bella finally becomes a vampire. She drinks the blood of a mountain lion and along with Edward and the other Cullens, assembles an army of vampires and werewolves to fight the Volturi and save Renesmee. My friend and I paid to see this movie 4 times.
In honor of Breaking Dawn Part 2, this newsletter is illustrated with Twilight memes. Here’s the gay agenda for today:
I recently discovered that my ex-wife has been watching my Instagram stories.
I broke up with my first girlfriend, aka love of my life type person, two weeks ago and I am still feeling just so sad and broken about it. Even though I broke up with her, the decision has shaken me to my core and I keep returning to this question…should we get back together?
I’m friends with a woman on social media who posts an endless stream of anti-vaxx memes, racist conspiracy theories, and generally batshit shit. I muted her months ago because she posts constantly (sometimes through the night.) Still, I find myself checking her page more and more. It’s like a car crash, I can’t look away.
GAY BABIES ARE BACK!
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xoxo,
Maddy
I recently discovered that my ex-wife has been watching my Instagram stories. This was a pandemic breakup, very sudden and traumatic (I'm the "dumpee" in this scenario, involved home ownership, another woman, a newly adopted dog...) We aren't speaking and don't follow each other on social media - I created a new account with the intention of rebranding myself and getting space from our shared life. My account is public because I'm an artist and am using it as a space to share my work. So, now I see her lurking and I can't stop looking! I'm watching her, watching me, and I wish I didn't care. The reality is there is probably some mutual curiosity, and I think I'm getting a little twisted satisfaction out of knowing she's curious. But also - it's upsetting, distracting, and feels emotionally messy and obsessive for me. Should I block her? Or will myself to stop repeatedly checking if she's watching?
M, 33
You gotta block your ex-wife, M. You made an Instagram because you’re a hot divorcee who makes art, not because you need more stress and turmoil in your life.
The problem isn’t that you and your ex are still a little invested in each other. If I had an ex-wife, I would 100% look at the moon and wonder where she was and if she, too, was also looking up at the moon. The problem is that her lurking makes you feel shitty. If your ex actually cared about you and your peace-of-mind, she would be transparent about her intentions and ask how you’re doing in a straightforward way. For instance, she could write you an email that’s like, “I know we’re not speaking right now, but I’m wondering how you’re doing. Please respond on your own time or not at all.“ There are so many un-creepy ways she could initiate contact. The fact that she’s choosing to lurk feels unhinged and manipulative. Trust your instincts and block her.
It’s time for Gay Babies, a segment where I showcase rescue pets who have found social mobility and loving queer homes. For some memorable past editions of Gay Babies, see here and here.
“These are my children, Bruce and Egg. They are brother and sister, adopted from a shelter in a weird little German town near Berlin. They were born on April 25 this year (Tauruses: but what does it mean???) and over time, my boyfriend Mine has went from "Mom's friend" to a fully-fledged Kätzchen Daddy. Egg likes a fastidiously clean litter and we learned this the hard way: many instances of scraping fresh turds off my comforter and worrying she had some kind of anxious disorder like her mother.”
“Hi! Me and my girlfriend adopted Evi (formerly Eevee, but since none of us have any particular relationship to Pokémon it felt weird to keep that spelling of her name. Evi is similarly pronounced in Swedish) this summer. She is very protective of her moms, especially around men (it’s like she read our minds). Evi is very goofy and energetic, she loves food and hates being brushed. Here she is sitting on top of a picnic table.”
“This is River! She’s about 2 years old and a big adorable troublemaker. We have no idea what her backstory is but she loves to snuggle and also eat garbage off the street (one of her nicknames is “garbage princess”). She just spent 3 weeks in a cone after needing emergency surgery to remove a *corn cob* from her digestive system and would like everyone to know that she has no regrets and would do it again. Her hobbies include drinking water, sleeping on laps, and annoying her sister, CJ (our 3-year-old lab/pit mix).”
Do you want to see your shelter/rescue pet featured in Xena Worrier Princess? Submit a picture of your gay baby, as well as a description, poem, or dating profile by emailing maddy.court91@gmail.com 🐾 🐾🐾