anxiety week

everything I watched, read, and thought about whilst politically and existentially anxious, on top of my usual baseline anxiety

Several questions came across my queer advice desk this week about how to manage feelings of anger, helplessness, and guilt about genocide in Gaza, climate change, the far right’s needlessly cruel immigration chaos and scapegoating of trans children, etc, etc, take your pick. It’s bad out there! One person asked about celebrating a big career accomplishment when there’s so much suffering in the world, others wondered about Trumpy family members and planning for the future amidst so much uncertainty. It’s bringing me back to the first The Ex-Girlfriend of My Girlfriend Is My Girlfriend zine, which I put out in December 2017, a year into the first Trump administration. In that zine, I answered a thematically similar question about feeling despondent and powerless with a long list of small, impactful actions. I was like, “vote in local elections! read a book! donate directly to people in need.” I had just turned 26 years old!! And for the record, I still you should vote, read books, donate to mutual aid, and be so choosy with your dollar vote that you experience genuine inconvenience, but making a list of individual actions, all of them super obvious, feels so shitty right now. I don’t think it’s pointless, but I don’t want to do it.

So that’s where I’m at. Free Mahmoud Khalil.

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touching grass

• In my own anxiety fog, I’ve been teaching myself how to knit by making a simple tank top. I’m planning to do a newsletter series called Creative Goal Setting, where I pick a craft or creative project I have no business attempting and then hold myself accountable for completing it. But much like math, knitting is one of those things that’s difficult to enjoy when you don’t know what you’re doing. I’m struggling with my tension (which is like, the looseness of your stitch), so I have to do a lot of yanking and unravelling just to get a few rows. I am, however, determined to get back into it. I will make a reversible tank top for summer if it KILLS ME. Other creative goals: my novel, a zine of drawings, and switching all the boob lights in my house with my collection of thrifted milk glass light fixtures. I also want to make these chocolate seaweed cookies. On Friday I got as far as gathering all the ingredients, but then my dog busted into the groceries and ate the seaweed. Nothing is simple.

• I’m having so much fun sending out the final batch of Choose Your Own Dykeventure zines. I’m closing up shop in a few days to make time and space for new projects (my tank top lol) and it’s very bittersweet. I love the USPS. I love sending big batches of physical mail. It is my favorite form of femme excess. Thank you so much to everyone who supports my niche print work, it really means a lot that there are so many of you all over the world :) If you would like some niche lesbian snail mail from me, you can still order here.

• I’m doing everything in my power to start gardening, even though the last frost date in my area isn’t until May (if you live somewhere where March and the first 75% of April are not a soggy extension of winter, I’m jealous of you). I started my onion and peppers plants indoors and am reading all about moon gardening. I also have to figure out my composting situation. Last fall, Liz and I bought a compost bin that’s just a big plastic box that sits on the ground. Once the snow melted, we noticed rodent holes all around it. I wonder if one to several voles are just burrowing in from underneath and eating what’s good?? Will chicken wire be enough to keep this vole party out of our raised beds?? I’ll let you know.

• I read The Mists of Avalon, a long-ass fantasy novel that tells the legend of King Arthur from the point-of-view of Morgan le Fey and other female characters. Major themes include: goddess worship, bisexual Sir Lancelot, women becoming incredibly horny and clairvoyant while spinning wool, and cloaks.

  

  he makes this face when I start taking photos without petting him first

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telévision

I watched three episodes of With Love, Meghan. There’s been a literal deluge of articles and Substack posts about this show, including a review in NY Mag that called it “an utterly deranged bizarro world voyage into the center of nothing“ and posits that Meghan Markle Sussex has faced so many racist and misogynist attacks since marrying Prince Harry, she doesn’t feel comfortable saying anything anymore. I see this point, but I’m honestly surprised that anyone could have strong feelings about this show?? The food and hostessing tips just kind of miss the mark, but nothing struck me as so bonkers?? I can’t imagine having a friend over and offering them a yogurt parfait, but I also wouldn’t never do that?? The show is just really boring and Meghan comes across as nervous and stressed out?? A few years ago, I listened to her feminist-flavored podcast, Archetypes, which was also very boring despite bringing on such guests as Serena Williams and Mariah Carey. I don’t think you need to be an expert on something to host a show about it, but you do need charisma and a strong point-of-view, and Meghan’s whole vibe is like, a Pinterest board that’s just pictures of peonies and cutting boards.

In other news, I’m really enjoying this season of 90 Day Fiancé. All I want from this franchise is couples you cannot believe are together and have seemingly never communicated about any aspect of their relationship. I want to watch their zany adventures and unintentional social commentary about America. I don’t want to watch abuse and exploitation. So far, this season is really delivering!! My favorite couple is Mark and Mina. He is a semi-retired pilot who lives in rural New Hampshire. She is a 34-year-old “model“ from Paris who has no concept of life or geography in the United States. Why are they together? Who knows, but they have a baby. There’s also the affective experience that a third of the cast members have with undergone plastic surgery and Botox to unheimlich levels, so when it reverts to cast members who haven’t done anything to their faces, you really get to marvel at all the ways a human face can move and carry dimension.

cherished links:

• Horoscopes for Aries season: podcasts by

  Rose Blakelock

• an ode to longterm houseguests from

  O Caftan My Caftan

• A Houston Throuple’s Polaroids of Queer Life

• a beautiful country house in Sweden where I would like to live forever (gift article for you real ones)