boring lesbian gift guide 2024 ⭐

it's not not a gift guide

I’m not a big fan of the holidays. This season makes me feel depressed and cagey—like I want to be alone and around people at the same time?? I know this time of year can be whatever I want it to be--there’s no reason I can’t make up my own Christmas traditions as an adult--but mostly I feel like this holiday jumps out from behind a bush every year and yells, “I’M HERE. DEAL WITH ME AND THE UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES I EVOKE!” I know a lot of people reading don’t celebrate Christmas--maybe you have a complicated relationship with a different winter holiday lol, all the gifts in this guide are transferable to any holiday or special occasion--but if you do celebrate Christmas, why are we doing this in December? I understand the utility of a holiday that celebrates rebirth and breaks up the monotony of winter, but we just got through Thanksgiving and it’s only December. Winter has just begun and I can still appreciate the snow and her beautiful, erratic nature. I’m not at my breaking point re: trying to get a winter jacket over a bulky sweater, getting a chunk of ice lodged between my ankle and boot and feeling it melt slowly against my skin whilst watching Wicked in theaters, and standing outside in the freezing cold with my dog, begging him to pee already. Like, let’s shelve this and circle back in mid-January. PLEASE.

under certain road conditions…an ambulatnce looks just like a U-Haul

My other problem is that I’m a boring lesbian and my instinct is always to give practical items. I don’t think you can argue that these aren’t the best gifts. Everyone wants socks. Everyone is a slut for a generous case of oranges or a nice spoon. Put some Maldon salt in my stocking and I will kiss you under a festive garland made from recycled paper bags. Some other unforgettable gift ideas: beeswax candles, soap, nice-ass olive oil. I live in Vermont and I can’t stop sending maple syrup to friends in lesser states. The exception to this school of gift-giving are children, who are not developmentally able to appreciate pantry items. You have to go to the store and buy them a Jellycat or something. Luckily, I only have one child in my life and she’s just a baby, so I’m getting her a U.S. Savings Bond. She can thank me when she’s 30. The other exception is people you think are hot because it can be fun to be a little excessive and flirty with your gift, imho.

I’m a huge fan of my girlfriend’s family’s approach to Christmas gifts: everyone makes or procures a batch of the same thing and distributes it i.e. one cousin makes beef jerky, one cousin divvies up a case of champagne, one passes out scratch cards. It feels very festive and femme to prepare a bulk gift. Last year Liz and I made vanilla extract for everyone. The year before that, we made soy wax candles. We still haven’t figured out what we’re doing this year, but we still have a giant Weck jar filled with alcohol-soaked vanilla beans and some candle-making supplies if anyone wants to come over lol

Louis in his Eggdog carton costume

Gift Ideas

• A zine that is a choose your own adventure story about being a lesbian or a paid subscription to this newsletter. Trust me, they will LOVE it :) :) :)

• My favorite gift that I received this year are these wool slippers that make me feel like an elf. My favorite gift that I bought for myself are these giant scrunchies made from towel material for putting your hair up after swimming or showering.

• There’s a reason that random kiosks at the mall pop up overnight to sell calendars this time of year. I love these colorful queer wall calendars from Pegacorn Press. I’ve given these as gifts in the past and so many people went on to order their own the following year. I even got my mom into the monthly planners.

• If you have a pitbull who doesn’t fit into straight-sized dog clothes, or any dog who gets chilly, I really recommend Pink Nose Dog Clothes for reasonably priced dog turtlenecks. The owner tailors everything to your dog’s measurements and the fabric is super nice. Louis owns three.

• Gift certificate to a local hardware store. Not beating the dyke allegations with this one lol. My girlfriend and I bought a house in September and now we go to the hardware store multiple times a week, if not every single day. Yesterday I was in the light bulb aisle, Googling the difference between wattage and lumens. The day before that I was looking for something called, “BLASTER Garage Door Lubricant.” Liz is obsessed with buying different kinds of shovels. Anyways, our realtor bought us a gift certificate to our local hardware store as a housewarming gift and I just thought that was really thoughtful and sweet. Everyone needs a plunger or some duct tape sometimes. Another hardware-adjacent gift is a nice rechargeable flashlight—we got one for dyke friends when they moved into a new place and I have literally never received a more sincere “thank you.”

• When in doubt, give the gift of custom pet merch. For Liz’s birthday last spring, I bought her a coffee mug with a portrait of Weezy painted on it. The potter inscribed the words “life is amazing“ on the bottom and it’s just really pretty.

  

  you can never go wrong with custom pet merch

It’s Giving Books

Everyone wants and needs books, if not a gift card to an indie bookstore like Archivist Books in Rochester, NY.

Novels that critique contemporary American culture, but in a funny way—for the person on your list who loves to laugh and think: Colored Television by Danzy Senna and Trust and Safety by Laura Blackett and Eve Gleichman

Fiction for the person on your list who loves other people’s drama: I’m a Fan by Sheena Patel and Women by Chloë Caldwell

Nonfiction for the person on your list who’s critical of true crime, but is known to spend hours on serial killer Wikipedia: We Were Once a Family by Roxanna Asgarian and Under the Bridge by Rebecca Godfrey

If you’re going to twist my arm, my favorite book that I read this year was Easy Beauty: A Memoir by Chloé Cooper Jones— a really beautiful collection of essays about disability and motherhood that changed how I think about the world. I would give this book to anyone, basically.

If I won the lottery, I won’t tell anyone…but there would be signs. Boring lesbian gifts I would buy for myself.

• A Lodge dutch oven in either 6 or 7.5 quarts. Liz used to own one of these and I used it all the time before burning tomatoes in the bottom and ruining the enamel. RIP, perfect pot. I belong in jail.

• An e-reader that’s not made by Amazon

• Women Who Kept the Lights: An Illustrated History of Female Lighthouse Keepers (2001) self-explanatory

• Clogs

• Linen sheets that fuck, or any nice bedding. Liz and I have been drooling over these LL Bean “coastal landscape” sheets for months now.