queer advice #100: yearning
"I’m 31 and I’ve never been in a romantic relationship or physically intimate with anyone."
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Today’s queer advice is one for our times: a self-described "avoidant” yearns for a relationship, but isn’t sure they have the skill set. My answer is LONG and filled with dashes, question marks, and colons. This is also the 100th edition of this column! Or is it?? When I started this newsletter, I titled each queer advice with a short excerpt from the question. Then I received some professional newsletter-writing advice to number my columns—not only would this communicate that each post is part of a series, it would encourage readers to go back and read previous columns. When I went to send out my next column, however, I just guessed what number I was on instead of going back and counting. So this could be column #100, it could be #97 or #115. I’m not worried—if you count the Ex-Girlfriend book and zines, I’ve answered close to one million advice questions lol
xoxo, Maddy
P.S. March is the last month to order the Choose Your Own Dykeventure zines!! I have absolutely loved sending gay snail mail, but I need to make time and space for new projects.
I’m 31 and I’ve never been in a romantic relationship or physically intimate with anyone. Never even been kissed. Holding hands is as far as I’ve ever gotten on a date. And I fear I’ve missed the boat on having any experience at all.
There are a myriad of contributing factors I can think of: for instance, I grew up evangelical, didn’t get a lot of romantic attention in high school or college, and didn’t have great role models for healthy relationships growing up so I leaned hard into hyper-independence as a coping mechanism. I could go on.
It’s always been apparent to me that I didn’t really like men, but I didn’t allow myself until my mid-twenties to admit to myself that I might like girls. And it took a couple more years to convince myself that it might be worth exploring my queer identity beyond pining for the college bestie that in hindsight I had a massive crush on (she’s married to someone else now and they have a kid together.)
I’ve spent the past five years working on my self-esteem and building a life I genuinely enjoy, on my own terms (lots of therapy!). I now have a career that I’m proud of, a solid group of friends that I love fiercely—as someone who’s never shaped her life around romance, I’ve learned to treasure great platonic connections. But I find myself yearning for more, especially as more of my friends settle down.
I live in a city with a thriving queer community, so theoretically there should be ample opportunities for me to put myself out there. But I’ve been on the shelf so long that I simply don’t have the skills to do it. And there are simply too few age-appropriate singles left!
I briefly went onto a couple of queer dating apps last year and found the experience intensely anxiety-inducing—the gamified aspect of swiping gives me the ick, and the few dates I had only served to underscore how deep-seated my avoidant tendencies are. I don’t know how to flirt at bars. So I’m throwing myself into hobbies but I feel like everyone is way younger than me or happily partnered.
BB, 31
I’m also an avoidant bb so I understand what it’s like to really want love and connection, but feel so wary of other people that you keep everyone at a safe distance. When you’re used to depending on yourself and only yourself, the classic life advice that’s like, “date yourself“ and “create a life you love and the right person will show up“ can resonate a little too hard. Not that that’s not good advice!! Only you can make you happy, you have to secure your own oxygen mask on first, your most important relationship is with yourself, etc. etc.