queer advice #102: newly single lesbian

"how do I avoid ending up in another long-term relationship where I am not actually happy?"

Hello! Welcome back to queer advice, a column where I answer questions from gay people on the internet. Today’s question is from someone reeling after a breakup and asking the age-old question of, WHY DIDN’T WE BREAK UP SOONER?

Thank you so much for reading and supporting TV Dinner. It’s a dream come true to write this newsletter. You can read all my past columns and posts on my main page. If you have a question for queer advice, send it to me here. Comments welcome, of course of course.

xoxo, Maddy

via Frinkiac.com

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Hi Maddy, I am writing in as a newly single soon-to-be-thirty-year-old lesbian.

Me and my ex partner broke up two weeks ago. There were big disparities in what we both want from life (she maybe wants children, I definitely don't) and uncomfortable differences in how we both navigate life generally (she is more of a free spirit whereas I like to plan ahead). A couple of weeks ago things came to a crux and we decided to call it a day. On reflection, we had both been unhappy for a while. The relationship had always been tumultuous. Not a month would go by without us having big arguments that seemed to stem from the most miniscule events.

Even though I knew the relationship wasn't serving me from early on, I didn't want to break up. I told myself this was because I loved my ex and we had lots of fun (both true!). But on reflection a deep rooted fear of change was keeping me from leaving the relationship. What would the future look like without her as my partner? How would I ever cope seeing her date someone else? How would we divide our collection of fridge magnets we'd collected over the years?

I have been reflecting on this relationship and the one I was in previously and have realised they share similar patterns (intense periods of love followed by intense periods of arguments). In both, I knew long before they were over that I would be happier single, but I chose to stay out of some weird sense of fear of losing my partner and what that would mean for me.

My exes are both great people. But the incompatibility I had with both of them has meant that my 20s have more or less been spent trying to navigate complicated, irreconcilable relationships.

I am now taking some time for myself. I am staying off the apps and I don't want to start dating any time soon. My question, for when I do feel ready to date again is how do I avoid ending up in another long-term relationship where I am not actually happy?

Yours,

Confused Lover Boy, 29

Live and learn? More like, “End a serious, long-term relationship and gain invaluable insight, wisdom, and self-awareness that you will bring into all your future relationships and endeavors.“ Everything you’re feeling right now--regret, self-betrayal, determination to change--are signs that you’re not the same person you were when you met your ex. You’re an older, wiser lesbian now. You know how shitty it feels to ignore your own needs and instincts, and you never want to do it again. In the future, you’ll be able to use this knowledge to quickly pivot and walk away from situations that aren’t right for you.

I get the sense that you want to pathologize and blame yourself for staying in this relationship after you realized how unhappy it made you. I agree that this is definitely something to reflect on. It sounds like you have some scarcity issues around love and don’t trust yourself to handle big, negative feelings i.e. jealousy around seeing your ex with someone new. These relationship specific feelings may have been compounded by pre-existing conditions like low self-esteem, internalized homophobia, people-pleasing tendencies, and/or a million possible factors. Only you (and perhaps a therapist or compassionate airplane seatmate) can figure out why you stayed.

At the same time, give yourself some grace!! Life tends to look tidier in the rearview mirror and as you said, your exes are wonderful people. You can have years and years of beautiful moments with someone you’re ultimately incompatible with. It can be difficult to distinguish between a “normal” rate of conflict and what signals a fatal flaw in your dyke union because by definition, being in a committed relationship means working through rough spots. It’s not easy to walk away from a relationship that’s become part of your identity, especially when you share friends, financial obligations, an apartment, etc. Hopefully this doesn’t sound too woo, but even a doomed relationship is meant to teach us something and can make total sense in a certain season of life. tl;dr sorry you’re going through this, I’m not worried about you.

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