queer advice #39: is the word “lesbian” over?
Hey! Here’s a queer advice column for you. If you missed my last one--”how much sacrifice is too much?”-- read it here. If you missed the one before that--”I have a crush on my hot butch roommate”-- read it here. If you have a question or a gay problem, send it my way whenever. xoxo, Maddy
I’m 39 and am feeling a bit lost on the identity politics front. I’ve known many over the course of my adulthood that self-identified as “queer”, but in the last five or so years, it feels as if the word queer is *the* go-to word to describe anyone that’s not straight.
I’ve been told by some, and read online, that it’s meant to be seen as an inclusive/umbrella term, especially for our Trans family. I support this, as I want others to feel comfortable and included. I just wish I felt the inclusiveness for myself.
The word queer is not inclusive for my lived experience, personally. It’s a word I only heard in the harassment received for being who I am and loving who I love during any point in my life, or the lives of close friends. It’s not a word I ever wish to reclaim or identify under.
I feel that not embracing this word as my sexual identity is damaging to my interactions with others, most notably as I’ve re-entered the dating apps. All I see are people that identify as “queer”, “pansexual”, “fluid”, etc. The word “lesbian” nowadays seems to be thought of as outdated and, at worse, synonymous with being a TERF, something which I’m definitely not.
“Lesbian” is the most accurate sexual identity for me, as I’ve only ever had and only desire romantic relationships/intimacy with people that identified as women. Also, I don’t want to be dismissive of my lesbian foremothers that suffered for me to live openly. The word has herstory.
Is the word “lesbian” over? Is there still a space for the word “lesbian” to honor our foremothers? To exist without it being seen as anti-Trans? I worry even asking this will brand me as being anti-Trans. I love your work, thank you for being you.
<3 Love,
Old Fogie, 39
Well you’ve come to the right place — the internet advice column of someone 1-2 gay generations behind you who is a lesbian and not a TERF. On @xenaworrierprincess, my lesbian meme account, I use the word lesbian or dyke in every post alongside images of the moon, candles, waterfalls, disabled cats, and other non-humans. I do this because so much lesbian representation is thin, white cis women or celebrities who are literally straight. I love lesbians and I want to represent lesbian desire, sex, and identity through vibes, not bodies or pussy imagery. I’m a big fan of bodies and pussies, btw, I’m very interested in them, but it’s also cool to imagine what else lesbians can be.
