queer advice 48: a disappointing slew of relationships
"It's so rare that I find someone that I'm interested in, and when I do, it's never great."
Hey! Here’s a new queer advice column. Today’s question is from someone who generally has a bad time with relationships and dating, but can’t shake the dream of a serious, committed partner. If you missed last week’s question--”I'm a 33-year-old dirty slut who loves to be alone and go to bed at 10 pm”--read it immediately. If you want to read a choice column from the archive, how about this one that begins: “I recently discovered that my ex-wife has been watching my Instagram stories“?
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xoxo, Maddy
P.S. Gen Q season 3, episode 1 recap on Friday *devil emoji*
I know the life partner version of love isn't for everyone. But...I'm really struggling to accept that for myself! It's so rare that I find someone that I'm interested in, and when I do, it's never great. My track record is a disappointing slew of relationships and situationships in which I just feel triggered and confused and rejected most of the time. And this isn't the case of just going after emotionally unavailable people. My last sort-of-girlfriend was great and always there but just...wasn't that excited about me. I don't think I've ever really been wanted by anyone in that way, and it hurts. The past few years I've been coming to terms with the part I play in these dynamics, how I was made to feel less than and unlovable from a young age, how I shut down and keep people away. And I'm trying really hard to learn from this, and I'm seeing the effects in other parts of my life. I'm so thankful for my wonderful friends, for being able to overcome parts of my past and create a good life for myself. But I might just never be able to have the kind of relationship I dream about, and it's hard to not think that there's something wrong with me when literally everyone I know is ALWAYS in a relationship of some sort. It feels silly to want things that must seem so mundane to other people, like someone who'll make you a cup of tea, someone to take cute selfies with, to send sexy messages to, to learn about - and vice versa. I know a relationship won't fix my scars. I know it doesn't mean anything about me (theoretically). I know it happens when you're not looking for it (urgh). I know there's so many kinds of love in the world and half the things I listed are things I can do with friends. And I know for some people it just doesn't happen. I keep trying to convince myself that it'll be fine, I'll have a dog and my books and my van and it'll be fine. There's so much beauty in life! But why can't I just have this, as a treat? Do you think, as long as I just keep trying and stay open to it, it'll happen, or, sometimes, regardless of your efforts, it's just not in the cards?
Jane, 31
In my line of work, I receive a lot questions from women who just came out and feel weird about it because they’re in their 30s and 40s. They spent their entire lives thinking they were straight. Now they’re divorcing their husbands and dating women for the first time. These letters always make me feel hopeful. They’re such a reminder that life is never really resolved and that deep transformation is lurking around every corner. You think your life is one way and then CHANGE runs up behind you and bites you in the ass. So yes, I think you’ll find a partner and I agree that it’ll happen when you least expect it. In the meantime, I have some notes.
First off, I want to squelch the sense of embarrassment in this letter. You want a partner—not because you think a relationship will complete you or fix all your problems, but because everyday, long-term intimacy with another person is cool. This makes perfect sense. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Next, you have to stop feeling like you’re behind schedule or the only one struggling in the relationship department. Do you know the definition of a chaotic lesbian? It’s someone who hurts themselves and others in an impossible quest to ALWAYS be in a relationship. A chaotic dyke uses dating to avoid their own problems. They’ll stay in a relationship that isn’t working, or break up and get back together until they meet someone new. Even though you feel like you don’t have much dating experience, you’re in a better place to begin a partnership than, say, this dyke I know who has been honest-to-God legally married 3 times in 5 years.
Look, attraction and desire are very mysterious. Some people can imagine themselves with all sorts of people. They experience attraction and romantic feelings all the time, and it makes sense for them to direct time and energy into making those connections. For others, these feelings don’t come along very often. There’s less of an incentive to get on the apps and meet new people. And when you’re someone who wants a relationship relationship, doing the spec work of putting yourself out there and going on first dates can feel like so frustrating, like a huge waste of time. It’s easy to feel discouraged when your metric of success is so high. So as much as childhood trauma is at play here, you might just be oriented toward longterm, committed relationships.
Similar to you, I came out of childhood with a busted-ass attachment style. I didn’t have many skills when it came to taking care of myself, let alone being in a relationship. I threw myself into therapy because I was desperate for instructions. I wanted someone to tell me how to change but alas, my therapist would just ask questions until I was aware of the barriers I was putting up. As helpful as self-knowledge can be, it was really difficult to make progress until I met a respectful, stable person who treated me with kindness. I didn’t do anything to manifest my relationship—I wasn’t on a sojourn of self-discovery or going to therapy. I wasn’t even putting myself out there more than usual. It happened in its own time.
All this to say that you can’t control when someone comes into your life, but you can disrupt your feelings of isolation and unlovability. When I’m stuck in negative thought patterns, travel or otherwise changing my surroundings feels like big reset. It also helps to exercise or make something with my hands. In your question, you mention a dog as a future possibility. Can you bump up that timeline? If you feel sad or dejected by love, adopting a pet is the best and easiest thing you can do. Also, I really recommend harnessing your individualist tendencies for good and walking away from dates who gives you lukewarm, evasive vibes. It will save you so much grief and time.
My last thought has to do with how and where you meet people. As I’ve said before, the apps are full of looky-loos and tire kickers. You might have an easier time asking your friends to set you up. You could also volunteer, join a queer sports league, or find another structured activity that meets at the same time every week. Maybe a #vanlife meet up? I don’t know exactly where you’ll meet your partner, just that love finds us in its own time and the universe is always pokey about the things we want most.
I just love your advice to this person but especially the part about “move dog up in the timeline” i say this as a whole hearted dog person, but also as a person who dogs have helped make whole- you know, the whole “who saved who” trope. There is a different thing in being friends with another species to know that love. It’s also a great way to make friends/meet people, be out there on behalf of this other creature but also yourself. thanks for another great newsletter ! i love this.
younger reader here feeling heavy pressure from an imagined romantic timeline (def has a little to do with the straight people i know getting married at ages 22-26), your putting in perspective the idea that life changes and begins for us in different ways at unexpected points was important for me to hear. the great mystery of life can be as hopeful as it is daunting ❤️