"I missed the things we used to do together, and the social life we’d built together in this city. There were no more long walks, no more day trips. She could barely get up the stairs."
Thank you so much for choosing to respond to this one Maddy. I’ve been mostly bedridden with Long Covid for almost 3 years now, having been a previously healthy 20-something living my dyke life in the city.
It is devastating and there are so many people in this situation, yet there is almost total silence about this amongst the public & in the media. This hurts even more when it’s coming from the queer community, who I (perhaps naively) expected to pay more attention to the ableist way in which the pandemic has been & continues to be handled.
So, it means a lot to see you addressing Long Covid and writing openly about this, about the way ableism pervades our understanding of our bodies, relationships and ways to be in the world. Thank you.
This is so good. I feel like I keep seeing people write into advice columns to ask for "permission" to do something they know goes against what they supposedly stand for morally. In some ways, I'd rather people be honest instead of being self-flagellating! Like, if you can't support your partner due to your ableist mindset, staying together is not the solution — but you don't get a pass on being honest with yourself about what is really going on.
A thing that I’ve been told a lot that resonates with me while I’m reading this person’s letter is “your resentment is telling you something. What is it that you need that you are not getting?” This is similar to the questions their girlfriend asked them. Resentment hurts the person who holds it but also prevents them from being a present and loving partner (as you said, Maddy). I think this person should think long and hard about that and maybe discuss it with a therapist and (importantly) not just with their girlfriend.
Oof!! This one was a doozy. Thank you so much for your response, Maddy— I really appreciate how you succinctly you shut down this ableism while still educating and responding with a structural analysis. Sick and disabled folks deserve partners who see them as whole human beings and not burdens!!
I think you are right that the letter writer probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with this person. I get the impression that they have positioned themselves (probably unintentionally) against their girlfriend instead of siding with their girlfriend against the challenges posed by their illness and financial situation (limited access to healthcare, few, if any, accommodations provided by their workplace, etc). My boyfriend suddenly became disabled after a bout of covid and as a result deals with significant knee pain in both legs while working a job where he has to stand all day. Our main activity that we enjoy together is hiking and generally spending time outdoors. Although his chronic knee pain makes it hard to spend time together the same way we used to, we find ways to make it work by making adjustments like birdwatching by driving from point to point or finding short trails with very elevation. Disability is not its own unique challenge but only one of many difficult situations that people will have to cope with over the course of a relationship, and how you approach dealing with a disability is telling of how you will work through other problems as a couple. If this person has an underlying assumption that their partner has a character flaw that prevents them from doing household tasks or social activities as you pointed out, it seems like it would be impossible to find the footing to work through shared struggles together.
Thank you so much for this clear answer. The question made me sad (as someone with long Covid) and fearful. My current person also has Long Covid, and we get each other and don’t know how it would be otherwise. I see that this is one of the “otherwise” options. Tough. Thank you for putting the word disabled out there and handling this question well.
I don’t know, I’m surprised at the harshness of this advice. Disability injustice is a structural issue, not the responsibility of individual romantic partners. Surely this relationship would be more manageable for both parties with the health care system and community support we all need and deserve. Care work leads chronically to burnout, which is not due to abelism or lack of self awareness. I feel for this writer inner and hope they find the rest and validation they need
I *finally* subscribed based on the first couple paragraphs I could read of your reply after holding my breath and I am so so happy to read your response in full. Thank you for centering disability and calmly unpacking the ableism of the letter. It is a lovely and considerate response and as a disabled queer whose partner could not handle it but made their ableism about me not being able to get better, reading your take was extremely validating.
Thank you so much for choosing to respond to this one Maddy. I’ve been mostly bedridden with Long Covid for almost 3 years now, having been a previously healthy 20-something living my dyke life in the city.
It is devastating and there are so many people in this situation, yet there is almost total silence about this amongst the public & in the media. This hurts even more when it’s coming from the queer community, who I (perhaps naively) expected to pay more attention to the ableist way in which the pandemic has been & continues to be handled.
So, it means a lot to see you addressing Long Covid and writing openly about this, about the way ableism pervades our understanding of our bodies, relationships and ways to be in the world. Thank you.
This is so good. I feel like I keep seeing people write into advice columns to ask for "permission" to do something they know goes against what they supposedly stand for morally. In some ways, I'd rather people be honest instead of being self-flagellating! Like, if you can't support your partner due to your ableist mindset, staying together is not the solution — but you don't get a pass on being honest with yourself about what is really going on.
A thing that I’ve been told a lot that resonates with me while I’m reading this person’s letter is “your resentment is telling you something. What is it that you need that you are not getting?” This is similar to the questions their girlfriend asked them. Resentment hurts the person who holds it but also prevents them from being a present and loving partner (as you said, Maddy). I think this person should think long and hard about that and maybe discuss it with a therapist and (importantly) not just with their girlfriend.
Oof!! This one was a doozy. Thank you so much for your response, Maddy— I really appreciate how you succinctly you shut down this ableism while still educating and responding with a structural analysis. Sick and disabled folks deserve partners who see them as whole human beings and not burdens!!
I think you are right that the letter writer probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with this person. I get the impression that they have positioned themselves (probably unintentionally) against their girlfriend instead of siding with their girlfriend against the challenges posed by their illness and financial situation (limited access to healthcare, few, if any, accommodations provided by their workplace, etc). My boyfriend suddenly became disabled after a bout of covid and as a result deals with significant knee pain in both legs while working a job where he has to stand all day. Our main activity that we enjoy together is hiking and generally spending time outdoors. Although his chronic knee pain makes it hard to spend time together the same way we used to, we find ways to make it work by making adjustments like birdwatching by driving from point to point or finding short trails with very elevation. Disability is not its own unique challenge but only one of many difficult situations that people will have to cope with over the course of a relationship, and how you approach dealing with a disability is telling of how you will work through other problems as a couple. If this person has an underlying assumption that their partner has a character flaw that prevents them from doing household tasks or social activities as you pointed out, it seems like it would be impossible to find the footing to work through shared struggles together.
Damn, you popped off with this one, such a great response!
Thank you so much for this clear answer. The question made me sad (as someone with long Covid) and fearful. My current person also has Long Covid, and we get each other and don’t know how it would be otherwise. I see that this is one of the “otherwise” options. Tough. Thank you for putting the word disabled out there and handling this question well.
I don’t know, I’m surprised at the harshness of this advice. Disability injustice is a structural issue, not the responsibility of individual romantic partners. Surely this relationship would be more manageable for both parties with the health care system and community support we all need and deserve. Care work leads chronically to burnout, which is not due to abelism or lack of self awareness. I feel for this writer inner and hope they find the rest and validation they need
I *finally* subscribed based on the first couple paragraphs I could read of your reply after holding my breath and I am so so happy to read your response in full. Thank you for centering disability and calmly unpacking the ableism of the letter. It is a lovely and considerate response and as a disabled queer whose partner could not handle it but made their ableism about me not being able to get better, reading your take was extremely validating.
Amazing response. Thanks Maddy 💘
This was a fantastic, important read. Thank you, Maddy.
I'm so grateful for this response
Thanks Maddy, yet another great response that is so on point. That last line sums it all up for me.