queer advice #59: I will never date a Capricorn again!
"I had hope for us getting back together but she kept her distance and made it clear we would not be resigning our lease..."
It’s Thursday afternoon and I’m back with a new advice column. If you’re new to this newsletter, this is a recurring feature where I answer love and relationship questions from lesbians and other homos. Some past editions include an important missive from a MILF lover and ”I'm a 33-year-old dirty slut who loves to be alone and go to bed at 10 pm.” Also, "It's so rare that I find someone that I'm interested in, and when I do, it's never great."
If you have a problem for me, send it my way anytime. Also, new Dinner Diary is imminent. xoxo, Maddy
My ex and I dated for over 5 years up until November of 2020. I thought we were going to get married and be together forever. she did not think that and broke up with me saying that she needed to figure out who she was independent of me and needed some time and space. Although it made me sad, I was happy to give that space hoping it would refresh and recharge the relationship. I was going through an incredibly stressful 6 months leading up to the breakup (not to mention covid! happening!) and was kind of a stress ball of a mess already and then the break up happened and that just dumped a bucket of sadness on top of the stress.
I had hope for us getting back together but she kept her distance and made it clear we would not be resigning our lease that was up in Feb of 2021. We move out, go our own ways, and I start seeing someone new. I learn through a friend my ex had jumped into a new relationship almost immediately after breaking up with me even though she promised me that the break up wasn’t about another person (which if it was, yes that’d suck but at least I’d know to not hold out hope!) and flash forward to just around a year of them dating I find out they got engaged. She was always very anti marriage to the extent that we had a fight over a prenup for a marriage that would literally never happen in her head, so I found this very shocking. To my knowledge she has completely written me off ever since she started dating her now fiancé and we haven’t spoken basically since we moved out of our apartment. I know through friends that she’s spoken about missing our friendship as that was a huge part of our relationship and also know through friends that her current partner wouldn’t (and most like currently still doesn’t) allow her to talk about our breakup or really acknowledge her life before they started dating. Which extra sucks because outside of dating, we were best friends and made each other laugh more than I’ve ever been able to achieve with other people.
I still think about her often and feel so much pain that has somewhat turned into a resentment and anger and confusion about if I was just delirious about the relationship as a whole and can’t help but wonder if she was cheating (emotionally or physically, both suck in my book) and just really good at lying about it. She’s an actor and a musician so this honestly wouldn’t really shock me if that’s the case, just crazy to be duped after dating and being so intimately close for so long... like why bother dating me on her end if that’s the case you know? Simply put, we’re both in different relationships now and I’m happy and hope that she’s happy as well, but I crave closure. I have ZERO plans of reaching out to her, mainly as a point of pride I think? It also just sounds like a fucking dumb thing to do! I think she was so certain that I would be the one to try to develop some sort of friendship with her post breakup but I straight up am at the point that I think she’s a bad person, unfortunately. There’s a lot of other elements at play such as me having a big part in helping with her music career leading up to her first release, helping to connect her with a publishing deal, radio campaign, set her up with a manager, even help produce some of the songs that she now makes money from. I just feel like she uses people and I was just another one of those people being used.
Do you think it’s best to trust that the universe wants to test me by not giving me what I think I want (closure) and have to find peace with it myself or do you think it’s ever a good idea to attempt to initiate a conversation in order to achieve some semblance of closure? It’s funny reading this back and zooming out watching myself write this years after we’ve broken up but that shit hurts! And this is anonymous so whatever, it feels good to at least say this all out loud with the potential to maybe get some unbiased advice. Thank you for reading this if you got this far! I will never date a Capricorn again!
T, 29
It’s rare for me to say NO to something outright, but talking to your girlfriend will not provide closure, and you should NOT contact her if you’re expecting the conversation to go a certain way or craving a particular outcome. I don’t believe in closure as an on-off switch that activates when the person who hurt you apologizes, explains their hurtful behavior in a way that you find satisfactory, or is sufficiently punished.
Getting your life together and moving on after a breakup happens in in small, slow steps. True closure, like daily life, is actually pretty boring. It can be as subtle as accepting that your breakup was ultimately for the best or enjoying the calm after a period of conflict and messy feelings. It can look like filling the empty space where your relationship used to be with travel, pet adoption, long walks through the woods with a wizened crone, or literally anything that moves you forward and makes you a little more excited to wake up in the morning. It doesn’t mean that you won’t miss your ex or have times when you feel sad and bitter, even years later.
When I find myself ruminating on the evils committed against me by someone I used to date, it’s almost always because I’m having a shitty day for unrelated reasons (my dog ran away and my short story got rejected, FUCK YOU, [REDACTED]!!!!!). It’s very human to revisit times when we’ve been hurt or disappointed, even if we’re basically okay and happy in life. This is why the classic advice for people in your situation is to write your ex a letter (or Notes app screed, if that’s your style) and sit on it for a week. You could also share it with a friend or trusted dyke advisor. And then, if sufficient time has passed and you still want to contact your ex, you can. But a lot of the time, you just need to blow off some steam or go outside and admire a tree until the urge passes.
Closure can also mean taking lessons from a painful heartbreak and applying them to future relationships. You feel resentful because your ex used you to advance her music career. At the same time, it sounds like you offered up your time and resources freely. If you willingly provide someone with help, it’s unfair for you to resent them for accepting that help. In this case, closure might be learning that you shouldn’t get involved with your romantic partners on a professional or creative level. This is a reasonable boundary. It’s generally not wise to mix love and money.
You’re 29 now, meaning you were 26 at the onslaught of the pandemic and 21 or 22 when your relationship started. Assuming your girlfriend is the same age, she was also really young when you dated. The thing about being in a serious relationship and living with someone in your 20s is that you don’t know yourself very well, let alone what you need from a relationship. This is especially true if you grew up in a dysfunctional family or struggled with your gender, sexuality, and/or other aspects of your identity (personally, I had no idea how to be in a relationship when I was 23 and dating my first serious-ish girlfriend. I would agree to stuff like an open relationship and then go home and send her unhinged, 500-word text messages about how I wasn’t actually okay with it. I didn’t now how to communicate or that I could say no to someone I liked a lot!!) I’m not trying to diminish the significance of your relationship or the love you and your girlfriend felt for each other. I’m not surprised that your ex’s feelings on marriage have changed, or that her behavior seems inconsistent to you. People change so much throughout their 20s--the time between turning 22 and 25 is a fucking lifetime--and the odds of two people evolving in compatible directions are extremely low. I think it’s a good idea to extend some grace and understanding to yourself and to her when you look back on this relationship. And perhaps by extending some compassion and contextualizing your relationship as part of an ongoing process of change and development, you’ll get the closure that you’re looking for.
love this advice. compassion is 🔑
This is such great insight into the concept of "closure" and how to move on from difficult things in our lives! This might just be me being a hypervigilant softie, but I do NOT like the fact that the ex's fiancé doesn't allow her to acknowledge this past relationship. It sounds like that relationship isn't very healthy. This is only relevant to the question asker in the context of asking oneself: do I really want to contact my ex if that might trigger potential abuse or mistreatment toward her from her current partner? If I were in question asker's shoes, I would be concerned about my ex's safety in that circumstance. It's not worth it. (Again, I'm a hypervigilant softie, however.)