queer advice #61: simply going through it
"I spent many years avoiding myself and my needs and desires and fears by fixating on meeting my ex’s needs and managing their moods and making them happy."
Hey, it’s Sunday and I’m back with a new queer advice column!! If you’re new to this newsletter, this is a recurring feature where I answer love and relationship questions from lesbians and other homos. Some past editions include an important missive from a MILF lover and ”I'm a 33-year-old dirty slut who loves to be alone and go to bed at 10 pm.” Also, "It's so rare that I find someone that I'm interested in, and when I do, it's never great." All my stuff is available to read here.
Send me a question whenever, wherever. xoxo, Maddy
Quick warning: this question and my response reference suicide, though not in a particularly detailed or graphic way. If you don’t wanna go there, please skip this one!
(TW: suicidality) I would really appreciate some advice around self-isolating. I’m going through a fresh huge breakup right now, of a relationship that I have been in for my entire adult life (I’m 29, we started dating when I was 22). We were really codependent, which is something I have run into over and over in my life and am very much working on in therapy and just in general. I spent many years avoiding myself and my needs and desires and fears by fixating on meeting my ex’s needs and managing their moods and making them happy. I slowly lost all of my emotional reserves until talking to anyone else felt exhausting and horrible and all I was able to do was smoke weed and watch reality television. My mental health became very fragile—whenever they were mad at me or disappointed in me, which felt like it happened constantly every day, I would feel so hopeless and worthless that I believed my only option was to kill myself. I held it together by reminding myself that they had a big life event coming up and that I couldn’t ruin it for them by committing suicide. Once the big life event happened, I realized that I was actually literally going to die if I kept living like this and I left, which was the hardest thing I have ever done.
It has been hard!! I don’t feel close to very many people anymore because my world became so small. I have two long distance best friends who I had been feeling more and more emotional distance from as I disappeared into myself and my relationship, but in the most dramatic part of the breakup I made myself reach out and was met with love and compassion and support. I’m so so lucky to have them and cry every time I think about it lol. We talk at length every few days and they have been checking on me via text and sending me cards and being true angels, but it doesn’t feel like enough—I need physical closeness and I’m bad at being on my phone all the time. I have some other connections in the city I’m living in, but I’m struggling with feeling dread/suuuuch a strong urge to flake every time I make plans. I know that I need to keep busy, and I have reached out to many of the people who I have drifted away from over the years and everyone has expressed interest in hanging out/catching up/supporting me, but I honestly don’t want it. It’s not that I want it from my ex—I miss them (a lot) but I also understand in my body that our dynamic is toxic and that, although I believe that they never meant to harm me, their rigidity and blaming has deeply impacted my self esteem.
When I force myself to not cancel my plans, sometimes I have fun. But then when I go home afterwards I fixate on anything I did that might have been weird or off-putting. And sometimes I actually do have a bad time with other people. But when I allow myself to cancel I also have a bad time at home. I understand that I am simply “going through it” and I need to give myself time and space to do that, but I just end up dulling my feelings by watching tv, which I don’t really think counts as healing or grieving or whatever. So I guess I’m wondering if I should be forcing myself to see people? Or if I should be forcing myself to feel my feelings (like… journal more???) or if it’s okay to not feel them and try to just feel nothing?? Or is there a secret third thing???
sad gay, 29
I’m really impressed by your ability to recognize that you’re “simply going through it“ at this time and that the way you feel now is not the way you’ll feel forever. imho, the scariest aspect of depression is not only do you feel empty and miserable, the misery feels endless. You become certain that you will always feel bad, that you deserve to feel bad, that nothing you can do will change the fact that you feel bad. But if you look at where you were in your relationship (literally planning your suicide around your ex’s schedule) and where you are now (nurturing two close friendships, going to therapy, actively working on expanding your world and support system) that is a huge turnaround!! I’m in awe of you, sad gay. You’re going through it, sure, but you’re poised to come out on top.
I thought a lot about how, in your question, you equate pursuing friendships and spending time with others with feeling your feelings and watching TV and spending time alone with numbing yourself. I wonder if there are times when you’re alone and able to feel present and connected to your feelings? What would happen if, the next time you want to stay home and watch TV, you changed your surroundings instead? You could go on a hot gay walk for coffee, see a movie (similar to watching TV, but gets you out of the house), look around a thrift store, or visit some art that looks cool. Do you like animals? It’s really hard for me to maintain a basic level of mental health if I don’t get enough dog time. I think moving your body can be really powerful when you feel stuck and there are literally infinite ways to do it. One time I went to a nutritionist because I wasn’t sure how to feed myself as an adult and she told me that instead of just eating a frozen pizza for dinner, I should eat frozen pizza with a side of salad or vegetables. It sounds so simple, but I really thought change had to be extreme. The world is full of secret third options.
I also think the kind of social situation you’re describing--meeting up with people you don’t know very well for an unstructured, conversation-based hang with no set end time--is one of the more intense forms of socializing. It might feel easier for you to do a structured activity like a weekly volunteer shift, leatherworking class, Marxist book club, queer sports league, some kind of spiritual or religious thing, etc. These activities remove a lot of the pressure of being around others and meet on a regular basis, so you don’t have to actually make plans or be the person who initiates. Also if you’re doing a group activity that’s explicitly queer, it’s likely that there will be a big community aspect and 3-4 other people who, like you, just got out of a long-term relationship.
I get so many questions from people who are lonely and struggling to make friends after a big life transition e.g. moving to a new city, coming out, or undergoing a devastating breakup. Across these questions, there’s a sense of shame and embarrassment as if friendship is something that just happens. You and I know that that isn’t true and that making friends takes a ton of work and special effort. Right now, you’re working on re-strengthening the friendship muscles that atrophied in your relationship. With time and patience, I know you’ll relearn to trust those muscles and feel confident and secure in your friendships.
I was having a crumby day but read this advice and it really brightened my day. Thanks for seeing people and offering hope 💕
What a compassionate and insightful response <3 my life situation is currently very different than that of the question writer and yet I found so much in your response that’s of use to me too. I always love reading your words!