Queer Advice #74: ghosted by a hot doctor

"I feel like if she hated the second date she would not have met my dog."

Hi! I’m back after taking the end of December off to bake mouse cookies and enjoy the unseasonably warm, snowless weather here in Vermont. I watched a lot of movies: The Muppet Movie (yes), The Muppets Christmas Carol (yes!), 20th Century Women (eh), Sister Act (yes), The Little Hours (one of my favorite movies, I watch it every year), The Preacher’s Wife (totally bonkers), The Holdovers (big ehh), May December (yes), Maestro (eh…yes), and others. Liz and I started watching Couples Therapy. As you can imagine, I was very into this show about intergenerational trauma and crying. Just fuck me up, Orna!

Today’s question is from a lesbian who was ghosted after two dates and all the emotions that brings up. Many of the questions I get are some flavor of “someone really hurt me, how do I move on?“ so here’s me trying to provide helpful, concrete advice to a very universal experience.

Send me a question if you’re gay.

xoxo, Maddy

sapphicsurvivalguide

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I recently went on a very successful first date with a girl I met online. We had been messaging back and forth on Hinge for about a week before, everyday. She has a PhD, is a competitive weightlifter, we bonded over both having postgrad degrees from large southern universities and our views on academic work (hard pass). She gave me her number and we continued texting and set up a second date that weekend.

Because she's outdoorsy I invited her to go to this local park where there is a castle and they do Christmas lights. She picked me up at my house, drove there, and we continued talking about grad school, being TAs, future dates, our families. There was not a lull in the conversation. Unfortunately, the castle ended up being closed. I was a little flustered but it was fine, we walked around, sat on a bench, talked. Eventually we came back to my house where she came in to meet my dog then said she had to get going. I asked if I could see her again and she said "Yeah, I'll text you when I get home." AND SHE DID. I said, "I'm sorry the park was lame" and there's been nothing from her since.

To be fair, she is traveling this week to visit her family out of state for Christmas (they celebrated this weekend instead due to schedules). I didn't want to come on too strong but I did text again on Thursday, "Hope you have a nice Christmas!" Again, nothing. I am in absolute agony. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I went to a party with friends to get my mind off of it and ended up being a total energy suck. I keep checking my phone waiting for even a "sorry not interested!"

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've never been this emotionally invested so quickly. I've been on plenty of crappy dates and generally have no problem rejecting or being rejected. But the ghosting this time is really getting to me. Or is it even ghosting? I feel like if she hated the second date she would not have met my dog. Do I text again? Do I assume she's busy? Do I request to follow her on Instagram? Logically I know that I am not entitled to an explanation, and often, silence is an explanation, but I have not felt like this much of a lesbian since I started smoking cigarettes to impress my college lit professor.

How do I get over this? I feel totally ridiculous but also I just can't seem to get a grip. She was so hot!! And cool!!!

down soooo bad, 27

I can tell you’re trying to be chill and have perspective on this situation, but you might feel better if you just let yourself feel angry and hurt. There’s a reason there are so many memes about lesbian situationships and not-quite relationships. It’s extremely painful to be rejected and then have to question whether or not you’re overreacting. When you’re officially dating someone and the relationship ends, it’s likely you have some idea why. Even if you weren’t together for very long, there might be relief mixed in with the sadness, or you might be looking forward to dating again or an end to the fighting/discord. But in this case, you were ghosted by someone you felt a lot of potential and connection with. And as much as we can NEVER KNOW what’s going on with someone else and closure is rarely as simple as knowing why someone doesn’t want a relationship with us, it still sucks to be cut off when you’re just getting going, and left to wonder if you misread or misunderstood the situation.

And yes, I agree that it is lesbian culture to start smoking cigarettes to impress your college lit professor and make heavy emotional investments in a fragile, new relationship—but from everything you’ve written, it sounds like you’re generally pretty even-keeled and realistic when it comes to dating. The reason this situation feels so destabilizing to you is because it’s different from how you usually experience dating i.e. you actually like this girl, like A LOT. There are so many different levels of crushes—some crushes are a feeling of openness towards someone, some crushes are fun because they exist in a realm of pure fantasy (me and television psychoanalyist Orna Guralnik), while others feel like a hornet’s nest filled with horniness and longing drops into your brain and won’t leave. The latter category of crush is SO PAINFUL because it often dovetails with the object of your affections not reciprocating, communicating poorly, or otherwise taking over an outsized portion of your thoughts and emotional energy by doing the bare minimum to keep you around. If this was happening to you frequently or disrupting your ability to connect with responsive, available romantic prospects, it would be different. But from everything you’ve shared with me, you just got it bad for this girl. Sometimes it’s like that. I’m really sorry.

Getting ghosted, flaked out on, or just not treated like a priority in your relationships can be a real ~*death by paper cuts*~ situation. Are there other areas in your life where you feel dismissed, invisible, taken for granted, etc? The holidays are THE TIME for childhood shit to emerge, and the pressure to be happy and have your life look a certain way (i.e. constant togetherness, being in a romantic relationship) can be supercharged this time of year. It might be time to survey your work life and non-romantic relationships and think about where else these feelings come up. Maybe you need to have a difficult conversation with your friend who never initiates when it comes to talking and hanging out, or spend more time with the people in your life who do show up for you. I don’t think that reciprocity is as literal as a relationship where everything is 50/50, or at least not all the time, but it’s worth thinking about what you need from dates and friendships so you can recognize it when it’s there.

Regarding your more practical questions: yes, this counts as ghosting and no, you should not add her on Instagram. If she does re-emerge and respond to your texts, you should proceed with caution and take this lack of responsiveness as a serious indication of her regard for you, and calibrate your expectations accordingly. At the very least, I would address the ghosting with her before allowing yourself to get pulled back in.

How do you get over this? BY GETTING UNDER SOMEONE ELSE LOL I really believe that getting over any kind of love-related pain comes down to time, standards, and introducing new energy into your life. Time is self-explanatory—it heals all wounds, puts shit in the rearview mirror, etc. By “standards,” I mean like “New Rules“ by Dua Lipa, where you very firmly remind yourself that you deserve someone who answers your texts and wants to be with you. And by “trying something new,” I mean introducing new energy sources into your life that bring you joy and get you away from your phone. Depending on who you are, this could mean travel, sleeping with someone in a fun, yet considered way, hosting a dinner party that pushes the limits of your cooking abilities, adopting a pet, or doing one thing a day that scares you, like improv Barre class or reaching out to someone you think is cool and would like to know better. I’m sorry if it feels like I’m giving you a list of things to do, but I need you to understand that the restless, cagey fixation you’re feeling right now can be harnessed and redirected to bring more connection and joy into your life. It’s also temporary, thank God.

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