queer advice #83: xoxo gossip they

"I love them for their big personality, but..."

Hello! Welcome back to queer advice, a reoccurring space on TV Dinner where I answer questions from real gays with real problems. Today’s question is about a friendship—specially, a friendship with someone who lives for conflict, interpersonal chaos, and dyke drama. I don’t have any revolutionary advice for confronting someone who’s gay and outta line, but this basic gist of “should I confront the person who hurt me, or just continue to stew?“ is something that comes across my desk quite often and I wanted to talk about it for Pride month.

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xoxo, gossip maddy

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What are some strategies for navigating friendship with someone who is constantly ~*~in the drama~*~?

I have a good friend of nearly a decade who is frequently in conflict with other people in our complicated extended queer community - exes, exes' new girlfriends, frenemies, colleagues, you name it. They have a real you're-either-with-me-or-against-me streak, which I know is related to some serious old wounds, and get pretty invested in getting others to take sides.

Their behavior is affecting their social life - hard for them as a hardcore extrovert who has historically wielded a lot of social influence in our neck of the woods. I love them for their big personality, but they have a real blind spot when it comes to their role in conflicts, and at this point, seem to attract situations with other big, conflict-seeking personalities, so it's not necessarily clear-cut as to whose "fault" any individual fight is. I have tried to broach this gently with them and they get really defensive - they think of themselves as being "justice-oriented." I have pulled back a bit from the friendship and set some boundaries around gossip with them (so hard! So much of our relationship used to be gossip-based!), but is it time for a sit-down come-to-Jesus capital-T Talk? I'm starting to feel slimy about having these borderline-resentful feelings while avoiding addressing them more directly, but also fear a direct confrontation playing into their insatiable need for dyke drama.

Gay and Tired, 35! We are 35!!

I have been gay and swimming with the other gays since I was 19 or 20--my entire adult life--and I’ve noticed, with gratitude, that a lot of the feud-based, gossip-heavy aspects of “queer community” (AKA having friends, dating, knowing people) have really fallen away in my 30s. It’s a lot easier to resolve beef when one or both parties have fully-developed communication skills, a stronger sense of self, and the ability to sit with discomfort instead of like, immediately assuming bad intentions and lashing out. I, personally, am a mostly-reformed shittalker and what helped was my friends not engaging with me, or letting me know when I was crossing the line between a very human, very benign “exchange of information and lore“ and being mean. All that to say: I can see how you might feel yourself growing apart from your friend! The image you summon of a 35-year-old queer chaos demon describing themselves as “justice oriented” makes me want to laugh and roll my eyes, but also hide in fear.

The question you’re asking--my friend or partner is acting in ways that are hurtful to me and themselves, do I talk to them about it OR continue to ignore it/maybe attempt to address the problem but only in a very covert, passive way?--is true classic, one of those universal human dilemmas. Like, the sign of a solid, reciprocal relationship is that you can talk to the other person about their impact on you--or anything, really--and they will listen and at least try to see your perspective. But in most situations where you feel the need for a capital-T Talk, part of the problem is almost always the other person’s lack of consideration for others and extremely active defense mechanisms. You mention that your friend is acting from a place of hurt, but they’re also getting something from all this conflict and strife i.e. ATTENTION, a sense of superiority, distraction from their own shit and the banality of everyday life, etc. If they’re going to change, they have to find another way to meet these needs and that takes hard work and a lot of intention. I don’t think therapy is a magic solution--your friend would have to want to be there and quality mental health care it is wildly inaccessible--but yeah, I would tell them to go to therapy.

So you’re fucked either way, but if you choose the path of talking to your friend, you‘ll give them the chance to change and maybe reflect on their conflict-heavy ways, seek therapy, etc. You’ll also get the powerful, resentment-preventing experience of saying what you actually mean. If you decide not to talk to them, it’s likely your friendship will end anyways—either the tension will build and result in a big blowout, or you’ll continue to quietly withdraw until you’re straight-up avoiding them. It’s a ~you’ll never know if you don’t try~ and ~nothing left to lose~ kinda deal.

It sounds like you’re waiting to find the right words and approach before talking to your friend—when really, there’s no perfect way to say something difficult. This is especially true when the person you’re confronting is, uh, not great at accepting feedback. I do think it can help to provide specific examples, keep your tone very direct, and practice the lesbian art of “I statements.” Since your friend tends to get defensive, you might want to write them an email that they can process and respond on their own time. I would also use your friend’s appeal to “justice” to your advantage— I’m thinking about drawing on the work of social justice activists/scholars who write about accountability, like Mia Mingus and adrienne maree brown. Ask them: what does justice actually mean and is it the same thing as punishment? Are interpersonal conflicts injustice? How would you want to be treated if you overstepped or hurt someone else? You don’t need to write a gender studies paper, but it does sound like they’re geared towards social justice and it’s worth asking them how those politics translate into the way they treat others and navigate relationships.

I think the bigger question for you is: do you actually want to be friends with this person, or are you simply afraid of their anger and retribution if you choose to walk away or confront them? What would need to change for you to jump back into this friendship? What are the positive, healthy elements of your friendship that you’re hoping to preserve — and can you re-orient your friendship toward the dynamics or shared interests that make your relationship with your friend feel good? I freaking hope so and I’m sending you encouraging “hit send“ energy in case you decide to write that email.

Thank you so much to everyone who ordered a Choose Your Own Dykeventure zine. The first and second volumes are still for sale and I’ll continue to donate 10% of sales to Gaza Funds. I would love to mail you one or two niche lesbians zines, maybe more? Let me know :)

the reviews are IN