***Once I had the space to replay events on my own, I realized my patience and care were knowingly being taken advantage of, and that all the apologies and promises would never have resulted in changing a dynamic that this person needed to recreate again and again with everyone they were close to in order to feel “safe”. They benefited f…
***Once I had the space to replay events on my own, I realized my patience and care were knowingly being taken advantage of, and that all the apologies and promises would never have resulted in changing a dynamic that this person needed to recreate again and again with everyone they were close to in order to feel “safe”. They benefited from this arrangement, and the emotional labor I was putting in only enabled it.
The other difficult part was that this person had been a vocal queer woc feminist and a survivor of abuse and stalking, and then had done the same to me. I lost some friends to them who didn’t believe me when I tried to explain the abuse that had been happening. I lost a lot of the patience, self confidence, and open heartedness that made it easy to care for people that I’d had before the relationship, since that had been taken advantage of for so long. I’m still learning how to reclaim those qualities while holding love and protection for myself. I wish I had left sooner, that I hadn’t trusted part of myself to someone like that and that I had told everyone what was going on early on.
The biggest realization after all of this was also that my feelings fucking mattered. That my feeling safe and comfortable, and my ability to lead a full and healthy life with friends and autonomy is equally as important as anyone I’m in relationship with. Regardless of what anyone is going through, everyone has a choice in how they treat others. I had to realize that at that point my ex was not capable of making choices that prioritized my wellbeing over their need for power in our relationship (and by extension control and cruelty). It’s important to see people where they’re at now with the information they’re giving you about their motivations and priorities. Not the potential they have on their best days or when it’s easiest, but how they act when things are hard or scary. Because dating someone means you’re going to go through hard times together. No matter how “good” a partner you are to someone, relationships test people’s ability to trust and navigate emotional discomfort. It’s how people act in these situations that tell you what your future together will be like.
I wish people talked about this stuff more, because now that I’m in the other side of it I see it happening all the time especially in queer communities. I think the binary definitions of abuser and victim, and the myth of entirely one way harm and the evil people who commit it make it impossible to see abusive dynamics that fall outside of these extremely limited definitions. They make it easier for abusers to maintain control amidst confusion and for the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle to effectively gaslight people into believing there isn’t actually a fucked up power dynamic in their relationships. Including family and friendships. Most of all, if our abusers are “good” people or even victims of oppression or abuse in other parts of their lives, this way of thinking keeps us from leaving or setting important boundaries to rectify nonconsensual power dynamics.
Nowadays I’m less interested in how good or bad a person is on the whole and instead focus on relation. Are they good for me? For their friends? For people with less power than them? In how they move through the world? Is the way I treat each of my loved ones good for them? Maybe there’s a good reason someone acts the way they do, but it’s just not good for me at this point in life. That’s information that helps me to decide whether the relationship is healthy for me to put my trust and energy into, or if their need to be boundaries in place to preserve safety and autonomy. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I hope it helps.
Anyways, I really deeply feel for you and how difficult all this is. Wishing you kindness and ease in your relationships <3
***Once I had the space to replay events on my own, I realized my patience and care were knowingly being taken advantage of, and that all the apologies and promises would never have resulted in changing a dynamic that this person needed to recreate again and again with everyone they were close to in order to feel “safe”. They benefited from this arrangement, and the emotional labor I was putting in only enabled it.
The other difficult part was that this person had been a vocal queer woc feminist and a survivor of abuse and stalking, and then had done the same to me. I lost some friends to them who didn’t believe me when I tried to explain the abuse that had been happening. I lost a lot of the patience, self confidence, and open heartedness that made it easy to care for people that I’d had before the relationship, since that had been taken advantage of for so long. I’m still learning how to reclaim those qualities while holding love and protection for myself. I wish I had left sooner, that I hadn’t trusted part of myself to someone like that and that I had told everyone what was going on early on.
The biggest realization after all of this was also that my feelings fucking mattered. That my feeling safe and comfortable, and my ability to lead a full and healthy life with friends and autonomy is equally as important as anyone I’m in relationship with. Regardless of what anyone is going through, everyone has a choice in how they treat others. I had to realize that at that point my ex was not capable of making choices that prioritized my wellbeing over their need for power in our relationship (and by extension control and cruelty). It’s important to see people where they’re at now with the information they’re giving you about their motivations and priorities. Not the potential they have on their best days or when it’s easiest, but how they act when things are hard or scary. Because dating someone means you’re going to go through hard times together. No matter how “good” a partner you are to someone, relationships test people’s ability to trust and navigate emotional discomfort. It’s how people act in these situations that tell you what your future together will be like.
I wish people talked about this stuff more, because now that I’m in the other side of it I see it happening all the time especially in queer communities. I think the binary definitions of abuser and victim, and the myth of entirely one way harm and the evil people who commit it make it impossible to see abusive dynamics that fall outside of these extremely limited definitions. They make it easier for abusers to maintain control amidst confusion and for the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle to effectively gaslight people into believing there isn’t actually a fucked up power dynamic in their relationships. Including family and friendships. Most of all, if our abusers are “good” people or even victims of oppression or abuse in other parts of their lives, this way of thinking keeps us from leaving or setting important boundaries to rectify nonconsensual power dynamics.
Nowadays I’m less interested in how good or bad a person is on the whole and instead focus on relation. Are they good for me? For their friends? For people with less power than them? In how they move through the world? Is the way I treat each of my loved ones good for them? Maybe there’s a good reason someone acts the way they do, but it’s just not good for me at this point in life. That’s information that helps me to decide whether the relationship is healthy for me to put my trust and energy into, or if their need to be boundaries in place to preserve safety and autonomy. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I hope it helps.
Anyways, I really deeply feel for you and how difficult all this is. Wishing you kindness and ease in your relationships <3
thank you so much for sharing!! so glad you're out of this.