queer advice #87: special pet edition!
"I'll be the first to admit that my dog, Ivy, is annoying."
I’m back with a new edition of queer advice, a column where I answer questions from struggling gay people. Today’s question is about a high-energy dog and a girlfriend who’s not a fan. If you read this newsletter or follow me on Insta, you know I’m deep in the dog lesbian lifestyle and will not be surprised that my response to this is long and hefty.
If you’re a queer person with a problem, send me a question here. You can read all my past advice columns, TV recaps, and assorted writings at anytime by going to my main page. I have been writing this newsletter for FOUR YEARS as of this month, so there’s a lot to read.
xoxo, maddy
I'll be the first to admit that my dog, Ivy, is annoying. She's a high-energy breed, so no matter how much I walk her, buy new toys for her, and give her puzzles to solve, she never settles down for long.
Now, my girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. One thing that initially attracted me to her is that she is an animal lover. But I think she might actually hate Ivy.
It doesn't bother me that she finds some of my dog's behaviors annoying (like I said, I get it). It's the way that she reacts to Ivy's behavior that bothers me.
Ivy tends to act extra hyper and obnoxious whenever my girlfriend is over (weirdly enough, she's a lot calmer with other people). Most of the time when this happens, my girlfriend completely shuts down, gets angry with me, and asks me to train my dog. This is frustrating for me because I've been working really hard with Ivy on obedience commands and reducing her annoying behaviors. But of course, Ivy is much better behaved when she's with me and/or other people. It really embarrasses me that Ivy acts so annoying around my partner, but I don't think I would feel this embarrassed if my partner were more chill about it. Sometimes, she'll get really upset over something small, like Ivy giving her exactly one lick on her leg. She dislikes Ivy so much that there have been times when we had plans to hang out all day, but she went home early in rush hour traffic because Ivy was being too annoying. There also have been times where she has stayed, but been in an awful mood the entire day. Whenever my girlfriend gets so intensely upset about my dog, my gut reaction is always to think that she's being petty and childish. But I really do try to see her side of things. I grew up around dogs, and she didn't, so maybe I just have a higher tolerance for annoying dog behaviors than she does. And she's never yelled at, hit, or abused Ivy in any way. It's absolutely mortifying that no matter how much I work on training Ivy to behave better, and no matter how much progress she makes, she is still so annoying that my girlfriend doesn't want to come over to my place.
I guess what concerns me is this level of pettiness is a side of my girlfriend I haven't seen before. She straight up does not respond to any pictures or texts about Ivy. It's concerning to me that she seems to be holding a grudge against my dog. Ivy can be annoying, but my girlfriend's response often seems disproportionate to me. I know I need to talk to my girlfriend about this, but I'm just not sure how to bring it up (or even what to say...). She has so many amazing qualities and is always so kind, compassionate, and understanding with me, that her intense dislike of my dog is strange. On another note, if you have any advice for training dogs to be less whacko around one specific person who can't stand them, please let me know!
Dog Drama, 31
My girlfriend and I have two dogs. The one I brought into the relationship is named Louis and he’s a certified sweetie boy around friends and family, but a total wretch around strangers. If we have people over he’s never met before, he barks and tries to jump on them and corral them into corners. His other issues are a baffling mix of running away at inopportune moments and separation anxiety/losing his fucking mind when he’s left alone. It’s impossible to know what’s going on in his head, but I always imagine his inner monologue when he runs away is like, “I’M THE ONE WHO LEAVES!” I have so much to say about Louis and our journey together, as well as some tips that might help Ivy, and I will get to all that, but first I want to say that your question made me realize that as much as I understand that Louis is not for everyone, I couldn’t date someone who didn’t like or accept him. Louis is so important to me. He makes my depression and anxiety 20% better, maybe more. I love him so much! If I was dating someone who refused to see him through my eyes--or had a problem with him but wasn’t willing to tell me about it or work with me on a solution--that would signal that they weren’t fully on board with me. You don’t say what your hopes are when it comes to this relationship, so I’m not sure if the plan is to eventually move in together or if things between you are more casual and open-ended. I do know, however, that being in a serious relationship means making space for another person in your life and that requires accepting them and their whole deal.
Dog aside, your girlfriend is doing all the things not to do when you have a problem with your partner: lashing out, playing the blame game, huffing around in a really bad mood or storming away without communicating why, and then ignoring the problem and acting like nothing ever happened.