queer advice #91: polyconfused

"I'm not one to deny myself an experience just because it will end one day."

It’s time for a new edition of queer advice. Today’s question is from someone wondering whether or not to break up with a whole-ass couple. Themes: polyamory, vacation dating, long-distance relationships, and poor communication slouching towards lying.

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Hi Maddy - this is a tough one. I have been in a polyamorous relationship with a couple for about a year and a half. They were together 7 years (now 8+) before we met, and have always been nonmonogamous. I'm the first person either of them has had romantic feelings for since they fell in love with each other.

The night we met, I learned that they were moving in a year and a half (which was a few months ago now) due to the job one of them had lined up after graduating from school. So I was armed with that information from the beginning, and moved forward anyways, because I'm not one to deny myself an experience just because it will end one day. We hit it off immediately and had a fantastic connection. We took it slow at first, but for the last calendar year spent multiple nights a week together, went on lots of incredible weekend trips, and had a blast overall. We are extremely like-minded in ways that feel really rare, especially when it comes to polyamorous philosophy. Things got difficult, unsurprisingly, in the months leading up to their move. Trying to figure out what that dynamic was going to look like, especially for me being left while they started a new life together, etc was very difficult and emotional. All of us seeing other people eventually was always on the table.

Around 6 months or so before they moved, they mentioned once or twice the possibility of my joining them for all or part of a big trip they were planning to celebrate finishing grad school, the move, the fancy job, etc. But after no one mentioned it again I became suspicious that something was up. When I finally asked about it, days before they moved (we had a lot of other ground to cover so it took a while to get there), I learned that they had decided to keep the trip to the two of them as a celebration. AND, that they'd more or less decided to get engaged while on the trip.

I found the engagement decision to be wildly unexpected and hurtful. It feels extremely selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings to get engaged and celebrate this happy new life they are starting right at the time when I am feeling the most down and vulnerable. No matter how much sense it may make in the greater context of their relationship, I just can't reconcile that with how absolutely unhinged that decision feels from my point of view of the relationship we just had.

I really don't know what to do - after expressing this hurt to them I decided to put it aside so that we could enjoy each other's company for the last few days they were in town and for a brief summer trip we had already planned together. We were in a holding pattern in between the move and the trip, but the trip has now passed and they are engaged, and I am finding myself just as hurt and bewildered as I was the day I found out about it. Part of me wants to just break up with them cold turkey, clean slate, because I just don't think that's how I deserve to be treated by people I'm in a romantic relationship with. But part of me also empathizes, and is having a hard time letting go of what we all hoped would be a long term future of a much more casual but still deeply loving partnership and friendship. Should I just speed up that de-escalation and try and focus on my own life and eventually dating other people?

I know that was extremely long-winded, but if you have any advice, I am all ears!

Polyconfused, 27

Okay so the couple you’re dating half-invited you on a sexy vacation and then decided that this trip was just for them to get engaged and celebrate their dyad, but instead of telling you this directly, they just stopped bringing it up in hopes you’d forget all about it?!! That’s weenie behavior and as the newcomer to a very established relationship, it makes sense that you’d be extra-sensitive to feeling duped or like secrets are being kept from you. I don’t have to tell you this but being a secondary, long-distance partner doesn’t mean you’re less deserving of honesty and care, and the couple you’re dating needs to work on their communication skills.

As I read your question, you’re okay with being a casual third as long as there’s a backbone of respect and reciprocity in the relationship. At the same time, I’m sensing that the engagement itself is hurtful to you and maybe speaks to larger problems that are inherent to dating a couple whose relationship with each other is on a totally different timeline and trajectory than their relationship with you. It also sounds like you’re self-conscious about your own needs and feelings around them, probably because your time together is limited and their relationship with each other is so solid. I imagine there’s a lot of pressure to be fun and down for anything and that you feel beholden to some imaginary commitment to being a down-ass third, like, “I knew what I was getting into and now I need to be chill with it.“ However! Sometimes it’s casual until it’s not. Sometimes a situation is amazing in theory, but miserable in practice. The whole point of dating people is to figure out if you want to keep dating them and a lot of times, you don’t. And just as an aside, three-person relationships can be really tricky—even in a purely platonic situation, there’s a lot of room for someone to feel excluded. It also sounds like the couple you’re dating don’t have much experience dating other people together or as individuals, which could account for some of their fumbling.

When someone lies or “hides the truth“ re: information you’d eventually find out anyways (presumably they’re telling other people they’re engaged, posting on the internet, and/or planning a wedding), they’re prioritizing their temporary comfort over the longevity and quality of their relationship with you. That should be enough to make their treatment of you sting, and signal to you that these two might not be great longterm partners. At the same time, I’m wondering what their engagement specifically is bringing up for you? Getting engaged when you already live together and are in a longterm, committed relationship is mostly symbolic. If I had friends who got engaged after 8 years of dating, I would be like, “cool,“ but I wouldn’t expect their relationship to change in a meaningful way. An engagement does, however, mean they’re going to reify their relationship in front of friends, family, and the government. If you feel invisible in this relationship or insecure about your place in this couple’s lives, it might be really hurtful to see them become more legally and socially legible as a couple. Hopefully this resonates with you and I’m not just writing fanfiction about your emotional landscape. I do, however, really believe that if something feels loaded and emotionally explosive for you, you have to stop and take stock of any past wounds, unmet needs, and fears that might be coming up.

If the question is to stick it out or de-escalate, what specifically are you trying to salvage? What would your ideal version of this relationship look like and is it possible given you now live in separate cities and they’ve shown you that their relationship is the top priority? They’ve had a lot of time to make amends for the weirdness around the trip, etc. but you’re still sitting in this weird, uncomfortable place where you don’t quite know what you are to these people and what you want from this relationship. To be ~*radically honest~*, this seems like more of a “they already chose” situation and like you’re a lot better off without them.