Something I wanted to talk about but couldn't fit is that If you’re someone who hesitates or feels self-conscious a lot, it’s really therapeutic to try something new and allow yourself to mess up and be a total beginner in front of other people. Just a really valuable experience, even if it feels scary.
Wanted to note that I joined a queer kickball team this year and it has literally been incredible. As I had hoped, everyone joined with the intention of making friends (more so than doing sports) so it doesn’t feel as awkward to ask people to hang out. We’re already trying to plan more social gatherings now that the season is over. I know they have leagues like this in a lot of cities, but if anyone is in Seattle and wants the deets, hit me up.
Kickball! I came here to say that roller derby is great for meeting other queer people – although I think kickball is more immediately familiar/easy to join (unless you know how to skate or really want to learn). Adult queer sports are a great place to meet new friends, although I know playing sports isn't accessible/possible/appealing to everyone.
thank you for the line about everyone going through lonely stretches- and that the alternative is shitty relationships/sacrificing yourself. It’s pretty easy for me to make friends but I’ve been feeling down about a pattern of finding out that friends have bad (racist! Zionist! wtf?) political opinions.
Your wisdom makes it easier to lean into the flip side of this pattern, which is the fact that I want and need radical friends who are continuing to learn and grow alongside me. and it’s a reminder that I know how to have boundaries now :’)
wonderful advice as always, I will be implementing into my own life and good luck to everyone out there with community building 🩷
Something regular and tied to an activity is absolutely the way. And I really back starting with the friends you already have, too. As a sort of rave friend, I know most of my interactions with other friends of mine, some of whom are also raving, is just dinners and watching movies.
Hosting the friends you already have and telling THEM to bring friends you don't know expands your circle! My girlfriend is especially good at just having people for dinner and getting closer that way. Another friend of mine hosts semiregular dinners/breakfasts for her friends and people they know on sundays. It's how she stays social, and we became a lot closer thru those.
I always have to remind myself at parties/get togethers/picnics etc that people WANT to know other people, and have people talk to them, etc, and if someone doesn't, you'll recognize it as soon as you start talking to them.
I gotta say, I've generally had good luck saying something clear and direct re: friendship intentions to someone I've run into a couple of times while out and about and who is giving me friendship vibes -- like, "I'm trying to be more proactive about making new friends and I would love to hang out with you more! Can we exchange numbers/make a plan to get together?" Especially in my 30s, I find that everyone is always assuming that everyone else has all the friends they need but almost no one I know actually feels that way or is closed off to the idea of meeting new people! People are usually flattered when you express an interest in getting to know them better! The key is to actually follow up -- send a text the next day that reiterates your desire to hang and proposes a concrete time to get together so you don't get stuck in the horrible rut of constantly saying "we should really grab a coffee sometime!" every time you see that person until the end of days.
My other major friend-making (or just social anxiety-reducing) strategy in party/event situations, especially when I know the host but not many other guests, is to show up EXACTLY on time (or offer to show up early to help set up). No one else will be there, you get some QT in with the friend that you actually know, and usually you can ease your way into talking to strangers as they roll in with your OG friend helping to grease the wheels rather than showing up fashionably late and walking into a wall of strangers (EARLY is also a good time to be at a party if you're trying to talk to people who are closer to sober than not). This strategy works well for meeting new people that you like, and it also works if you meet new people and hate all of them -- you've put in high-quality facetime with the host so you don't need to feel guilty about dipping out early :)
Agreeing on the regular and tied to the activity. Also wanted to add, this stuff takes time. I moved in 2020 and making friends in a new area in the middle of that was really hard, and I was really lonely for awhile there. But now I have a great community and connections mostly through doing things and showing up regularly and just putting yourself out there. Also a note, coincidentally majority of my friends are queer.
I got a really good group that I met through a neighbor I knew in passing, we ran into each other a queer event then I catsat for her- which I entirely offered because it wasn't a huge deal for me and my best case scenario was having someone I could rely on for cat sitting. We've now been besties for two years and she connected me with some of my other closest friends. I also recommend reflecting a bit on what kind of social situations you thrive in. For example I am awful at like casual mingling at parties or bigger events where I don't know a lot of people I can get through it but it does not come easy to me. However casually chatting with new people at like a craft night or class is a lot more doable for me.
yes to being the pregame friend!! as a sober and morning person in my 30s, i will end up delirious and nonverbal if i'm out past 10pm. my friends are more extroverted than me but it totally works to hang out and watch TV / have dinner / go walk around and then they can go out to the bars together after. while at this point i save up my social battery of hanging out with wasted people for our twice annual pride. still working up to the "do an activity as an adult" advice but maybe if i read it in enough advice columns i'll actually do it lol
Just wanted to say how true and helpful this advice feels. I moved to the city I live in just before covid, then my partner came out as trans, and I went through a couple of years of feeling desperate for friendship but somehow unable to make friends. But things shifted, thanks to eventually finding people I clicked with, and ways of clicking with them - the pub meetups weren't working for me, but they also weren't working for other people, and we found other things to do together. And now I have more friends than I know what to do with. Sending hope and love to anyone in this situation!
Something I wanted to talk about but couldn't fit is that If you’re someone who hesitates or feels self-conscious a lot, it’s really therapeutic to try something new and allow yourself to mess up and be a total beginner in front of other people. Just a really valuable experience, even if it feels scary.
Wanted to note that I joined a queer kickball team this year and it has literally been incredible. As I had hoped, everyone joined with the intention of making friends (more so than doing sports) so it doesn’t feel as awkward to ask people to hang out. We’re already trying to plan more social gatherings now that the season is over. I know they have leagues like this in a lot of cities, but if anyone is in Seattle and wants the deets, hit me up.
Kickball! I came here to say that roller derby is great for meeting other queer people – although I think kickball is more immediately familiar/easy to join (unless you know how to skate or really want to learn). Adult queer sports are a great place to meet new friends, although I know playing sports isn't accessible/possible/appealing to everyone.
thank you for the line about everyone going through lonely stretches- and that the alternative is shitty relationships/sacrificing yourself. It’s pretty easy for me to make friends but I’ve been feeling down about a pattern of finding out that friends have bad (racist! Zionist! wtf?) political opinions.
Your wisdom makes it easier to lean into the flip side of this pattern, which is the fact that I want and need radical friends who are continuing to learn and grow alongside me. and it’s a reminder that I know how to have boundaries now :’)
wonderful advice as always, I will be implementing into my own life and good luck to everyone out there with community building 🩷
Something regular and tied to an activity is absolutely the way. And I really back starting with the friends you already have, too. As a sort of rave friend, I know most of my interactions with other friends of mine, some of whom are also raving, is just dinners and watching movies.
Hosting the friends you already have and telling THEM to bring friends you don't know expands your circle! My girlfriend is especially good at just having people for dinner and getting closer that way. Another friend of mine hosts semiregular dinners/breakfasts for her friends and people they know on sundays. It's how she stays social, and we became a lot closer thru those.
I always have to remind myself at parties/get togethers/picnics etc that people WANT to know other people, and have people talk to them, etc, and if someone doesn't, you'll recognize it as soon as you start talking to them.
I gotta say, I've generally had good luck saying something clear and direct re: friendship intentions to someone I've run into a couple of times while out and about and who is giving me friendship vibes -- like, "I'm trying to be more proactive about making new friends and I would love to hang out with you more! Can we exchange numbers/make a plan to get together?" Especially in my 30s, I find that everyone is always assuming that everyone else has all the friends they need but almost no one I know actually feels that way or is closed off to the idea of meeting new people! People are usually flattered when you express an interest in getting to know them better! The key is to actually follow up -- send a text the next day that reiterates your desire to hang and proposes a concrete time to get together so you don't get stuck in the horrible rut of constantly saying "we should really grab a coffee sometime!" every time you see that person until the end of days.
My other major friend-making (or just social anxiety-reducing) strategy in party/event situations, especially when I know the host but not many other guests, is to show up EXACTLY on time (or offer to show up early to help set up). No one else will be there, you get some QT in with the friend that you actually know, and usually you can ease your way into talking to strangers as they roll in with your OG friend helping to grease the wheels rather than showing up fashionably late and walking into a wall of strangers (EARLY is also a good time to be at a party if you're trying to talk to people who are closer to sober than not). This strategy works well for meeting new people that you like, and it also works if you meet new people and hate all of them -- you've put in high-quality facetime with the host so you don't need to feel guilty about dipping out early :)
Agreeing on the regular and tied to the activity. Also wanted to add, this stuff takes time. I moved in 2020 and making friends in a new area in the middle of that was really hard, and I was really lonely for awhile there. But now I have a great community and connections mostly through doing things and showing up regularly and just putting yourself out there. Also a note, coincidentally majority of my friends are queer.
I got a really good group that I met through a neighbor I knew in passing, we ran into each other a queer event then I catsat for her- which I entirely offered because it wasn't a huge deal for me and my best case scenario was having someone I could rely on for cat sitting. We've now been besties for two years and she connected me with some of my other closest friends. I also recommend reflecting a bit on what kind of social situations you thrive in. For example I am awful at like casual mingling at parties or bigger events where I don't know a lot of people I can get through it but it does not come easy to me. However casually chatting with new people at like a craft night or class is a lot more doable for me.
yes to being the pregame friend!! as a sober and morning person in my 30s, i will end up delirious and nonverbal if i'm out past 10pm. my friends are more extroverted than me but it totally works to hang out and watch TV / have dinner / go walk around and then they can go out to the bars together after. while at this point i save up my social battery of hanging out with wasted people for our twice annual pride. still working up to the "do an activity as an adult" advice but maybe if i read it in enough advice columns i'll actually do it lol
Just wanted to say how true and helpful this advice feels. I moved to the city I live in just before covid, then my partner came out as trans, and I went through a couple of years of feeling desperate for friendship but somehow unable to make friends. But things shifted, thanks to eventually finding people I clicked with, and ways of clicking with them - the pub meetups weren't working for me, but they also weren't working for other people, and we found other things to do together. And now I have more friends than I know what to do with. Sending hope and love to anyone in this situation!