queer advice #93: ingredients guy
"as we get more serious, I’m noticing some tensions arise for me around finances and spending habits"
Hi! I’m back with another queer advice column. This one is about love and money—specifically someone whose partner has a lot of discretionary funds and it’s making them feel bonkers. It’s been a minute since I answered a question about money. If you have any insights into mixed-class relationships and splitting money as a couple, please sound off in the comments.
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xoxo, Maddy
Hi Maddy long time listener first time caller! I’d love your insight on some feelings I’m having about money and my relationship.
I’ve been with my partner for three years, and we’re really compatible in so many ways. We share a lot of important values, and I see a long-term future together. But as we get more serious, I’m noticing some tensions arise for me around finances and spending habits.
We both come from pretty different money backgrounds and as we’ve been in relationship I’ve come to see that we think about money pretty differently, often leading us to making different decisions. This has brought up some feelings of envy and disconnect for me since we don’t quite share the same financial reality.
I think about money quite a lot. The last couple years have been pretty rough for me financially - I’ve been in and out of work, and had some major expenses come up I was not expecting. I have a pretty tight monthly budget right now, and I really work hard to cut my expenses where I can. I don’t really buy things I don’t need, do my own car maintenance (also because I like to) and hardly eat out/ use delivery services. I definitely hope for a little more ease in my life here, but I also value being discerning, self sufficient, and really thinking about if a cost is worth it (eg: could I just drive to the takeout place and not pay the delivery fee)
My partner thinks about money pretty differently than I do. She has a lot of family wealth allowing her a more relaxed approach to spending. Her parents are both quite absent, and she has admitted that she does spend money in a bit of reactionary way to this - if you’re not here for me, I at least will use your resources. I get it. She is also an incredible gift giver to friends and family and she is quite generous with her money in our relationship - often paying for food out and dates. I know that wealth redistribution is a value of hers and something she would like to work toward long term. Recently however I have found her spending habits to be getting to me and I’m not sure if this is fair/what to do about it if anything. Where she loves to shop and would buy a $300 pair of boots if she really wanted them, I hardly ever buy clothes for myself though I would love to! Same with tattoos - my partner gets a new one almost every six months, while I’ve been dreaming of a tattoo for years but keep putting it off because I can’t justify spending $300+ on something that doesn’t cover rent or groceries. While I want her to buy the things she wants, and see the joy these things bring her, it’s the ease of these purchases for her that I envy. It also makes me feel a little disconnected from her because we don’t share the same reality - where I bond and joke with my friends about expenses and such - it’s not a reality of this world that my partner and I share.
Her frequent use of food delivery apps is also starting to irk me. I totally understand the convenience now and then, but she uses these services more than four times a week. I’m trying to respect that people have different capacities and preferences when it comes to cooking, but to me, this habit seems excessive—not just because of the cost, but also due to concerns around nutrition and waste. When we’re together, I often cook for both of us, which I don’t mind, but it does make me worry about a future where we live together. I enjoy takeout, but not nearly as often as she does. If we were to share food tasks and she chose takeout instead of cooking, I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with it as frequently as she’s used to. I suppose I could continue to handle the cooking, but if I’m being honest, I’d prefer a more balanced split in this chore. Another hard part of this is our jobs - I have been working seasonal labour jobs for a while and my partner has a remote part time job. Her work is really cool and she does an incredible job at it, but I am envious about her set up. I work 40+ hours physically outside the house and like so many find this hard to balance in my life. I wish I had more free time, and was less tired all the time. I find myself not having a lot of space for her in terms of complaints or a lot of grace for her in certain ways - which is not a great feeling. We pet sat over the summer and lived in the same apartment and I found myself feeling annoyed when I would come home from work and she would be watching a show and playing with the puppy. I would love some more free time to spend like this, but my financial situation makes it so I have to work 40 hrs to support myself. She does not have this burden and thus can take a job she really likes that is only part time. This too feels quite disconnecting - again our realities, struggles, and problems don’t feel the same. It’s inescapable but it feels annoying that these issues are put on us just because of capitalism and work. Like they don’t feel inherent to our relationship yet I am struggling with them.
She’s got her own money and she’s super free to do what she wants with it. I am ultimately glad it makes it so she doesn’t have to do the 40hr song and dance - no one really should. She’s quite generous and our values line up for the most part. So like do I have a right to be annoyed about these things? I’m not really sure what to do here. Obviously part of it is working on my financial situation and working toward a more enjoyable job - is it also a conversation between us? If so how? Your spending habits annoy or make me feel sad doesn’t seem like something super useful to share? How do couples deal with finances in different situations?
An aside -How do people split groceries? I’m primarily an ingredients guy / don’t honestly like a lot of snack food but my partner does. I’m nervous about splitting groceries and also I don’t really know what different ways people do that when they move in together lol
Long Winded, 29