queer advice #98: or so I thought
"This is my 5th serious relationship, amid a sea of bizarre situationships..."
Hello! Welcome back to queer advice, a column where I answer questions from lovelorn queer people. Today’s question is from someone reeling after a breakup with a person who could not make up their mind. Topics: dating friends, insecurity, and wondering if you will die alone.
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xoxo, Maddy
I was dating a wonderful person for about 6 months. We've been friends for 4 years, and have had feelings for each other the entire time, but we were both in and out of difficult relationships, and in hindsight we agreed that we both needed to grow more before we could be together. The first 5ish months were so beautiful: we fell in love, we developed trust, we built on our friendship to create a really kind, sweet, considerate love. Or so I thought?
They went to their family’s house for 3 weeks late December-early January, which was really difficult for them. When they got back, they told me that they still love me, and are still attracted to me in a sexual way, but they’re not sure if they’re in love with me anymore. This came as a huge shock to me and broke my heart. They said they’re afraid that they’re “losing interest” in me, that their feelings are “mellowing”. Our relationship is the longest/most stable that they’ve ever been in, and in their prior relationships there’s been a lot of unpredictability which creates a sense of excitement.
A day later, we had a long conversation where I asked if maybe they felt like this was a new way of being in love, and they said they thought it might be. We agreed that we could slow things down a little and just remember how to enjoy spending time together. That went well for about a week. And then their ex came to town.
I asked them to not see their ex, because they had been super in love with their ex and it was a super exciting relationship (because it was really unstable!!!) and I felt like they’d see their ex and realize that they really, really did not love me anymore. They explained that they felt like they needed to, and I didn’t feel like I could ban them for doing it. The hangout went well for them and they said it felt like they got “closure”. After they saw their ex, and about two weeks after they told me they weren’t sure they’re in love with me, I explained that I feel like they prioritized their ex over me, and they agreed that they’d done that, and apologized. But in that same conversation, they told me that they still don’t know if they’re in love with me, and that they aren’t “sure” about me. BUT THAT THEY LOVE ME AND ARE ATTRACTED TO ME. This broke my heart a second time. After a long and miserable conversation we agreed to try to continue our relationship.
The past three weeks, when we’ve been together, doing anything besides talking about how they might not love me, I feel SO loved. It feels so good to be together, and they are making strong and loving efforts to take care of me. I really trusted that if I give them enough time they will be able to understand their feelings better, and they will be able to say they’re in love with me. I was, obviously, delusional. On Tuesday they broke up with me, saying that they fell out of love with me.
They told me that they had definitely loved me and had definitely “thought” they were in love with me.
This is my 5th serious relationship, amid a sea of bizarre situationships. I haven’t dated anyone longer than 11 months. Every partner I’ve had has made me feel that I need to ‘prove’ that I am worthy of love, OR I was literally their caretaker, their only source of support emotionally and in some circumstances financially. I don’t think any of them have actually ever been in love with me. Even now, in the by FAR kindest and best relationship I’ve ever been in, at my absolute best in terms of mental health and ability to be a good partner, they still got sick of me after less than six months. I know other people who have been in and out of bad relationships, but they have been loved, they have been wanted. People tell me I’m picking the wrong people, but these are the only people who express interest in me. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me, but this hasn’t happened to anyone I know. I can’t tolerate knowing I’m not lovable – I first realized this as a teenager, but I thought I’d been filled with unwarranted self hatred. I have great friends now, but they are so wonderful and lovable. Someday they will get married and have their own families and I will be alone.
I think there’s something seriously wrong with me? What do I need to do to fix this? How do I live knowing that no one will love me?
Q, 27