Back in March, I was visited by the ghost of Sounder and instructed to recap the original L Word. My plan was to cover one episode per week, but then I got COVID and couldn’t do anything except sleep and feel anxious for 6 weeks. Rest assured, though, I take this SERIOUSLY. In addition to being a longtime L Word commentator, I’m a boring lesbian who loves commitment. I decided to make it up to you all by binging the remaining episodes in season one and writing a single feverish recap. This mega-recap ended up being so long, I split it into two parts. This is the second. You can read the first installment here.
Content warning: there’s a brief discussion sexual assault in the final few paragraphs. If that’s not for you, skip down to the heading that reads “discussion questions.“
Episode 11 is the iconic Dinah Shore episode. Shane, Alice, Jenny, Dana, and Tina go to Palm Springs for Dinah Shore, a weekend where lesbians do body shots and hump each other poolside. I’ve never been, but the vibe seems like Tampa Baes with wraparound sunglasses. Is that accurate? If you’ve been to Dinah Shore, please give me a scene report in the comments.
Shane gets hit on by a succession of thirsty dykes. Jenny does attention-seeking behavior. She tells a room full of drunk lesbians about Marina. Someone passes her a phone and urges her to call Marina. Luckily, a circus artist named Robin swoops in just as Marina picks up and pretends to be a pizza repair shop or something. Meanwhile, Dana starts a relationship with Tonya, an overeager PR rep who’s been assigned to her for the weekend. Everyone thinks Tonya is annoying. Alice senses genuinely sinister vibes from Tonya. She tries to say something, but all her friends gaslight her.
Bette stays in LA to work on the Provocations exhibit and cross a boundary with Candace Jewell, the hot carpenter who’s always wearing overalls and a ribbed tank.
At this point in my rewatch, my girlfriend and I were still searching for dog-friendly housing in Somerville. It was bleak, the indignities were piling up: we were turned down after offering $200 over asking, a sketch-ass broker demanded a $2200 deposit just to apply, and we got rejected again and again. We did several virtual tours, only to find out that the respective landlord would not consider dogs (at one, the broker kept saying the neighbor had lived in her apartment for 72 years and we were like, ??). Still, nothing prepared us for the apartment we saw last Wednesday. It was in a wood-paneled attic. The stairwell had a filthy runner with a grape design and it continued into the apartment, covering a narrow hallway that connected to several small rooms. There was nowhere to store food in the kitchen. The current tenants solved this problem by putting food in the hall closet. The fridge was at least 40 years old and jaundiced and dented from decades of use. It was also in the living room. The carpeting was burnt and stained. There was a random board in the middle of the floor, presumably covering a hole or uneven surface. The rent was $2600.
“I don’t think a landlord who keeps properties in this condition is someone I wanna do business with,“ I told the broker.
“Smart!“ he replied. “I think that’s right on.“
The next apartment was under construction. It was totally serviceable, just on the 3rd floor (the dogs have bad knees, so a lot of stairs isn’t ideal for us) and in a farflung residential neighborhood. I would need to drive to get coffee or do anything. Liz would have to take the bus to school. We got back in the car and I suggested we send Liz’s dog to live with relatives. As you can imagine, this was an upsetting and insensitive thing for me to say! We both cried and decided we weren’t quite there yet—we would give it until August 1st.
The next day, the broker from the attic apartment texted that the landlord would be replacing the carpet and moving the fridge into the hall closet, where all the food was. I immediately said no and continued my L Word rewatch.
Episode 12 starts with jazzy music and footage of dolphins swimming around an aquarium (?). Due to licensing issues, the streaming version of The L Word has a different soundtrack than what aired on Showtime—it’s all random-ass jazz and folk songs, none of it matches the mood or the early 00s time period. At least this episode is full of incredible dialogue e.g. when Bette tells Tina to get her Jil Sander suit from the dry cleaners and Shane says “jail is whack“ after getting out on bond.
Shane is in love Cherie Jaffe. Cherie’s daughter, Clea, is obsessed with Shane, even though Shane doesn’t return her feelings and tells her so multiple times! Clea is Lacey 2 at this point. The show positions Shane as everyone’s property in a really uncritical way. Let Shane fuck!!
Marina is moping around The Planet and scheming to buy Francesca’s share of the business. There’s a drag king show and we meet Ivan A. Cock, a genderqueer rockabilly who loves cars. I remember watching this a decade ago and wondering if Ivan was supposed to be trans, but now I see this as a rare moment where the L Word is chill about gender non-conformity. Ivan takes an immediate shine to Kit and courts her by driving her around in a vintage convertible and becoming really, really helpful. Kit is like, “I’m a 50-year-old straight lady!“ and Ivan responds by lip synching to Leonard Cohen. It’s kind of like Ivan gets off on pursuing someone unattainable. Also interesting that Lisa the lesbian man got so much shit, but everyone is okay with Ivan.
Jenny is writing a story about, “a woman who is mute from birth and discovers that she can speak the language of manatees.” God have mercy on us all. Her date with Robin is coming up and she can’t afford restaurant food, so she goes to Tim with her little baby voice and asks if she can please use the kitchen to make a salad. Tim agrees, but it’s increasingly obvious these two need to get divorced and stop spending time together ASAP.
Next, Christian extremists are picketing the CAC. There are so many people outside, the truck filled with Provocations art can’t get through. Candace proposes linking arms—a move she learned as an abortion clinic escort. I love Candace. She’s an outfit repeater with a can-do attitude. She and Bette are so horny for each other, it’s unreal. They get arrested at the protest and Bette’s body sensually brushes Candace’s as she’s thrown into the paddy wagon. At jail, the guard is kinda dykey and hitting on them? This show!!
Bette and Candace are in a jail cell together. Somehow, they’re already wearing inmate uniforms— crisp white henleys and sweatpants. They wanna fuck so bad and there’s only one cot! Bette pushes herself against the wall and verbalizes everything she would do to Candace if she could. They have phone sex, basically.
Tina and her friend from group therapy bail everyone out. Ivan and Kit help, too.
At long last, it’s the season finale! Robin is casually dating Jenny and Marina. Jenny is casually dating Robin and Gene (Gene is a marine biologist she met researching manatees at the aquarium. They have sex in front of a bunch of seals.) Tim accidentally sees Jenny and Robin having sex and feels weird about it. Marina keeps trying to get Robin to read Anne Carson lol. Bette and Candace race to a fancy boutique hotel and finally fuck.
Dana has to go away for a few days. She leaves Mr. P, her diabetic cat, in Tonya’s care. When Dana returns, her cat is dead and the implication is that Tonya did it because she’s a monster and jealous of all the attention Mr. P gets. Someone call GLAAD because the amount of pet murder in this franchise is wild and not at all representative of lesbian culture. Somehow, Dana doesn’t suspect her girlfriend/catsitter in the least. She holds a funeral for Mr. P where she announces her engagement to Tonya. How long have they known each other? There’s no way Dinah Shore was more than 2 weeks ago.
Tina asks Candace to help renovate a youth center for almost no money. Bette finds out and yells at Tina—Bette says she’s angry because it’s a conflict of interest and Candace might have felt obligated to say yes to keep her contract with the CAC, but really she doesn’t want Candace and Tina spending time together. Bette is out of line line as per usual, but I agree that non-profits should hire contractors from the community they’re working in and pay them really well. Also, no unpaid internships.
At long last, it’s the opening night of Provocations. Shane confronts Cherie, who has taken out a restraining order and nixed the salon. Marina and Robin show up together. Robin admits that she’s not into Marina anymore. Marina kept pushing Eros the Bittersweet and Robin wasn’t into it. Tina tells Ivan that she’s straight for the uptenth time and he’s like, “lol okay.“
Tina sees Bette and Candace canoodling. At home, she confronts Bette and they have a violent fight. Bette rapes Tina and it’s quite graphic. This is one of those moments where The L Word goes totally off the rails and never mentions it again. I hate it. I hate it so much!! Tina goes to Alice’s apartment and draws a line from Bette to Candace on the chart. I hate how this implies that cheating is worse than rape. Also wouldn’t Candace already be on the chart? I don’t know about this show, guys. I just don’t know.
And finally, Alice knocks on Dana’s door late at night. She tells her not to marry Tonya. They kiss :’)
And last but not lest, my girlfriend and I found an apartment! We signed a lease and everything. The space is small, but otherwise checks all our boxes. The trick was finding a guy who was renting his condo and wasn’t a weird freak about beautiful angel dogs who get plenty of exercise and enrichment. I feel very, very relieved. I wish everyone reading this safe, affordable housing for you and all your creatures.
Discussion questions for the comments:
If you were sucked into the L Word for a day and had to hang out with Shane, Jenny, Dana, and Alice, would you rather go to the Dinah Shore or on the Olivia Cruise?
Would you rather be a cast member on Tampa Baes or The Real L Word?
Here are all the recaps I wrote for The L Word, Season 1: episode 1, episode 2, episode 3 (please check out the comment section where everyone shared how they first watched The L Word. it’s amazing), episode 4, episode 5, episode 6, episode 7, episode 8, episode 9, episodes 10 and 11
1. Jesus Christ, DINAH SHORE, my vertigo and I are not getting trapped on a boat with these dingbats
2. Tampa Baes. I have no excuse.
ok did anyone else notice that those are belugas not manatees??!?!