The Queer Ultimatum 2.0, Part 3

episode 8 and 9 recaps

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Episode 8: All the original couples are back together adjusting and processing their trial marriages.

Haley and Pilar

Haley and Pilar are eating pasta on their balcony (if I were on this show, Netflix would get zero usable footage of me because this is all I would be doing.) As they gaze out upon the Miami cityscape, they have a calm, pragmatic conversation about whether or not they should break up. It seems wild given what’s about to happen in this episode, but Haley is still in love with Magan and questioning whether or not she should leave Pilar.

Pilar says her parents didn’t provide her with unconditional love when she was a child. As an adult, this impacts her self esteem and the possibilities she sees for herself. She doesn’t have the same support system or baseline emotional security that other people do. Pilar is speaking to the complicated, closure-less grief of family estrangement—AKA losing people who are still alive and could potentially change (in my last batch of recaps, I speculated that Pilar’s response to Kyle’s very gentle “I didn’t love what happened at the club“ actually made a lot of sense for someone raised by abusive, high-control caregivers.)

Haley says that she still loves Pilar unconditionally and the fact that she’s also in love with Magan doesn’t detract from their love. Pilar says that she’s still gunning for their relationship, but only if it’s what Haley wants. I’m really proud of Pilar for giving Haley permission to leave. Going out on a limb, I think these two should consider an open relationship/marriage!! They have such a solid foundation in each other, but they both seem to have genuinely gotten a lot of out of their trial marriages.

I think Haley is feeling something like, “How serious could I possibly be about my relationship with Pilar if I was able to fall in love with someone else so easily?” This both strikes me as a Non-Monogamous Feeling and also a thought of someone who has literally only ever dated one person—like of course you can be into other people!! A lot of “falling in love“ is just availability and intention (and also answering the 36 Questions That May Lead to Love lol.) They just haven’t ever given themselves the chance. It’s difficult to transition Teenage “we’re going to be together forever” Relationship Brain into a more mature post-Saturn return relationship, but to me it does actually seem like this trial marriage gives them the jolt they need to make continuing their relationship a choice instead of the path of least resistance.

Dayna and Magan

Last episode ended with Danya calling her mom and screaming at her to book a flight and come save her: “MY HEART IS SHATTERED!!” Now she and Magan are cuddling on the couch (I’m imagining Danya’s mom just being like, “no.”) Magan is calling Dayna “my home, my comfort” and asking to her to take off her glasses, so she can look into eyes directly (GAY.) Magan says that if Dayna hadn’t ignored her at the pool, it’s possible she wouldn’t have had sex with Haley. I’m sorry, Magan—two weeks ago you were having dinner with Haley’s family and talking about your exes like they were yesterday’s news. It feels like this narrative is meant to placate Dayna, even though she literally slept with Mel?? Obviously these two should have talked about their boundaries re: sex with other people before coming on the show. But the truth remains that Magan didn’t want to do the trial marriage at all and when she asked Dayna not to do anything physical with Mel, Dayna point-blank refused. So why isn’t the narrative, “I only slept with Haley when you disregarded my boundaries?“ I feel insane listening to these two talk and it’s about to get worse.

Dayna says what she and Mel did was more of “a comfort thing,” which makes it less of a crime. They also didn’t “do as much sexually” as Magan and Haley. I’m assuming this means that Mel and Dayna didn’t penetrate each other. Regardless of what specifically happened sex-wise, the boundary and trust violation was still there?? I simply do not understand drawing “real sex” lines as an adult/someone not invested in heteronormativity or virginity?? In any case, this whole conversation was very upsetting to me! It reads like Magan doesn’t know how to communicate with Dayna about boundaries/possibly has never been introduced to the concept of boundaries, and is using the “facts” around Mel and Dayna fooling around as her only “defense” to her purported bad behavior. This feels like a strategy deployed by someone at the wrong end of a toxic and abusive dynamic!

Dayna, meanwhile, is communicating that the only way Magan’s hurt feelings are valid is if she is a totally pure person who didn’t do anything “bad.” There’s a more mature, healthy version of this conversation where they can both zoom out a little bit and be like, “Hey, we didn’t actually address what our expectations were going in and this is where I felt hurt by you…” and actually listen to each other. As it stands, they’re doing a bonkers tit for tat that’s never going to resolve anything or move their relationship forward. There’s a scary dynamic at play where Dayna is the victim and can put Magan “on the outs“ at will. Magan never really knows where she stands with Dayna and Danya’s feelings are her responsibility. UGH!! I get such a bad feeling about these two!!

must get rid of toxic in community

Marita and Ashley

Marita is having lunch with Ashley, Ashley’s twin sister, and other, non-twin sister. The sisters ask how things are going and Ashley reports that their first week back as a couple has been rough. Marita shares that they have different conflict styles. The sisters are like, “Oh for sure.“ The sisters’ vibe is cordial yet frosty and intensely realist. They tell Ashley and Marita that until they can be on the same page about literally anything, their relationship is never going to work. They’re like, we love you Marita but your relationship with our sister is a garbage fire. I got the feeling that this is not the first time they’ve had some version of this conversation with at least Ashley, if not both Ashley and Marita together like this.

Mel and Marie

Mel is being so emo here — she’s trying to convince Marie that she’s just absolutely unlovable and doomed because she didn’t grow up with positive relationship role models. From her perch on the counter, she tells Marie about the period in her life after her grandma died, when she went to live with her uncle. Her uncle and his girlfriend were in a domestic abuse-type situation, and Mel was often triangulated. Marie is like, “You can break the cycle!” She says this very touching thing about how learning how to accept love sets you up for life. Marie looks so unhappy in this scene. Mel is telling her, point blank, that she’s not able to be in a serious, healthy relationship and she seems totally unwilling to listen to that. I can sympathize with Marie — it would really frustrate me if my partner had the self-awareness that their childhood trauma is impacting their life, but wasn’t willing to seek out therapy or change.

It’s interesting how both Marie and Dayna basically tell Mel that she’s wrong about how she feels — like after Mel tells Dayna she absolutely doesn’t want kids, Dayna is like, “Okay but I can tell you secretly want kids” and Mel is like “I promise you I don’t” and Dayna is like “it’s amazing how well you’re keeping your secret about wanting kids.” Here, it feels like kind of the same thing only slightly more well-intentioned—Marie is desperate for Mel to be a better/more committed partner, to the extent that she’s only hearing what she wants to hear.

must get rid of toxic in community

Ten Days Until the Ultimatum is Answered

Pilar and Haley are watching the sun rise over the ocean, as you do on the east coast. We learn that they recently ran into Magan and Haley at a club, and Magan fully ignored them (it’s truly wild how no one learns anything on this show.) At the club, Haley texted her a song that the DJ played that she liked, and Magan texted back that it was inappropriate for Haley to text her at all and that they shouldn’t be in contact anymore. Jarring!!

Meanwhile Dayna and Magan are sitting on their condo couch, being emotionally and spiritually toxic. Dayna is prompting Magan to have a talk with Haley to clarify boundaries. Magan wants to be friends with Haley, but Dayna squashes this dream. She’s jealous!! Apparently, Haley ignored Magan at the gym and then liked one of her Instagram posts. Dayna says Haley is “playing games” and “crazy.” This feels like a big overstatement, especially since Magan told Haley not to contact her but didn’t give any specifics. It’s really wild to hear Dayna have so much input into Magan’s actions and thoughts, and for the narrative to have been so firmly established as “Magan fucked up and caught too many feelings,” as if Danya wasn’t “moaning and panting” and getting matching tattoos with Mel?

Speaking of role models and healthy marriages, Kyle’s parents are back!! I really love friends and family coming on and the texture it brings to this show, but we’re not seeing a lot of variety this season. I’m wondering why we don’t meet any of Britney or AJ’s people, but Kyle’s parents and Haley’s boring dad show up 2x?? Anyways, Kyle’s parents are like, “You’re not ready for marriage because you’re both broke artists.” A couple is “a boat and a sail,“ and they need more boat i.e. MONEY, RESPONSIBILITIES, and a HOUSE. Kyle and Bridget are like, “We could never afford a house anyways.“ Real talk!!

Next, Britney and AJ are at a Japanese restaurant without any outside chaperones. AJ is being vulnerable and says she’s worried that Britney is going to leave her for someone or something better. Britney says AJ is confusing how she is in her career with how she is as a partner. She loves AJ and is committed to the relationship. AJ switches sides of the table so they can make out over a plate of spicy shrimp. It really seems like the central problem in their relationship is AJ’s insecurity. I wish there was more of a concrete plan to address this beyond Ashley affirming her.

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Night descends and the Ultimatum Givers and Receivers converge at a cocktail party. Everyone is giggly and laughing about how awkward it is to see their trial exes for the first time alongside their original aprtners. Marita asks if AJ if Britney’s made her oxtail yet and AJ says yes :)

Dayna takes Mel aside and is basically like, “We could still end up together, so don’t pretend like you don’t know me. You know all of my secrets and were there for me in my darkest hours.“ Mel is acting too cool for school—laughing, rolling her eyes, and looking away in a dismissive way. I had problems parsing this conversation, but the gist is that Dayna wants to keep both Magan and Mel as options. She’s appealing to loyalty and doing a lot of emotional scorekeeping, but it doesn’t really work on Mel like it does on Magan…

must get rid of toxic in community

Next, Mel asks Dayna if she trusts Haley. Mel says, “Hell NO.” She thinks that Haley and Pilar came on The Ultimatum for an excuse to leave each other. “Magan knows she got manipulated.“ I’m not surprised that Dayna is casting Haley as “crazy“ or part of some conspiracy, but her ability to warp reality and narratives is genuinely scary.

Magan is wearing my favorite look of hers: Gucci belt and a tight black tee with khakis. She looks like she sells lotion at the mall. She pulls Haley aside to explain that she ignored her at the club to put up a boundary. She has to choose between Haley and Dayna and she chose Dayna because they’ve been together for so long (they have been together for A YEAR AND A HALF but I feel like what’s going unspoken here is that Dayna lives in the same city as Magan. There will be more social repercussions and pragmatic difficulties if they break up. She’s really all Magan knows, too. Lots tipping the scale for Danya that has nothing to do with love, connection, or compatability.) Haley says that Magan’s actions do not align with her words and that the Magan she fell in love with would never be such a jerk. Magan says that she was authentic during their three weeks because (I think this is what she’s saying!) she believed that Dayna was no longer available. Now that Dayna is back in her life, she’s no longer in love with Haley and in fact retracts that she ever was “in love” with Haley — just that she “has love” for Haley. Haley points out that Magan said “I love you“ multiple times whilst looking into her eyes and is a LIAR.

One Week Until the Ultimatum Is Answered

Time’s steady march continues on in the lesbian high-rise. Bridget and Kyle start a cooking fire whilst making out. Ashley helps Marita assemble a vision board with the words “healthy gut“ on it. AJ and Britney do product placement for an Amazon-sourced machine that makes s’mores.

Haley’s dad is back for dinner. He says that Magan is a disingenuous person and that anyone is capable of misreading a situation. Pilar says that it’s difficult to know Haley imperiled their relationship for someone who was only trying to make their ex jealous. I don’t think that’s totally true, Pilar!! Anyways, Haley’s dad says that he loves Pilar and will always be there for them both. I know I called him “boring“ before, but wow I love this sensitive girl dad!!

More acts of couch and blanket processing. Magan is telling Haley about the slow progress she’s been making with her homophobic parents. This was a sticking point that they came in with—Haley felt it was personal that Magan wasn’t out to her parents. Magan has some ideas for how to proceed and how Danya can help.

Over at Marita and Ashley’s, Marita wants romance and love, not a relationship with friendship vibes. PLEASE BREAK UP ALREADY!! Haley and Pilar are also processing. Haley says that she was so sure Dayna was the problem but now that she’s experienced Magan’s shadiness, she’s wondering if Magan was actually the problem. Pilar doesn’t want to feel like the safe second option.

Over homemade meatballs, Mel asks Marie if they should go their separate ways. Ugh, uncertainty is a decision!! I want so much more for Marie.

And last of all, a scene that starts off benign but is guaranteed to give you bad dreams. Magan is telling Danya that her fantasy is having queer chosen family like The Fast and the Furious. Cute!! In a final toxic moment, Danya says that what happened between her and Mel wasn’t the same because Magan’s feelings for Haley were deeper and she’s not sure she can come back from it. It’s hard to watch Magan get manipulated in real time. I understand that reality TV is edited and certain cast members get “the villian edit,” but it’s difficult to see Danya’s words and actions as anything other than super fucked up. She has totally different expectations for her partner than she does for herself and lashes out according to how she feels in a given moment. It’s wild for her to pretend like her connection/sex with Mel was somehow different when in addition to the “panting and gasping,” they literally got tattoos together and did a whole love letter ceremony to close out their trial marriage. There is trail cam footage of Danya taking her top off and Mel running after her into the bedroom after her. Just wild!!

must get rid of toxic in community

Episode 9: At long last, it’s Ultimatum Day! All the original couples and some of the trial partners will meet for a proposal or non-proposal. Everyone begins their morning laying our their clothes and contemplating Netflix-provided engagement rings. Haley is in bed, journalling, and questioning whether what she and Magan had was real and whether she should go through with her original ultimatum to Pilar. But first! She has to confront Magan.

Magan shows up in a low ponytail for the first time ever!! Haley says that she’s not being honest about their trial marriage, that she and Haley are too similar to be compatible. Haley is like, you were a massive jerk but I’m grateful that our relationship taught me how to be a better partner to Pilar. Magan says that Haley was disrespectful of her trial marriage with Dayna… literally WHAT? WHEN? And that Haley should apologize to Dayna. I’m sorry, what?? I’m reapplying my crystal mineral deoderant stick because I’m ready to fly to Florida and fight Magan. Not only does Haley have nothing to APOLOGIZE for, an apology is not a mean-spirited show of dominance. It depressing to see Magan repeating one of Danya’s paranoid narratives. Haley is like, “I would never let someone in my life who’s treated me the way that you’ve treated me. I don’t want you in my life in any capacity.“ GOOD FOR YOU, HALEY!!

Next, AJ is dressed like a youth pastor and meeting Britney in a grove of tropical plants. AJ expresses more insecurity about Britney prioritizing her business over their relationship. I don’t like that this proposal starts off sounding like a breakup!! It’s not fair to Britney, who deserves the world. Luckily, AJ gets on track and proposes. Britney says yes and they’re both really happy!! Britney reflects that her ultimatum ended up being a good thing because it introduced a challenge that helped them grow.

happy for these two :')

Now it’s Haley and Pilar’s turn! Pilar is like, “Did you see Magan?“ And Haley quickly recaps that Magan is no longer in her life in any capacity. I know this show is not real life, but I would not want to discuss the woman my almost-fiancée left me for in the same conversation as a marriage proposal. More crying and words of love, more Pilar talking about her family. Not to be insensitive, but this is sooo drawn out. Oh wait, Pilar proposes!! She has the ring in her garter belt :’) Haley says YES.

It’s Marita and Ashley’s time to shine. My hopes are low for this one. In a voice over, Marita says that she learned about being treated right by Britney but the footage is like, Britney handing her a fork? In the Escalade ride to the proposal spot, Ashley is reflecting that she wishes she had “gone all out“ for Marita. It’s so frustrating that this is their main conflict, but we never understand what romance actually means to Marita or a specific example of how Ashley fails?? In some contexts, it seems like Marita is talking about emotional investment from Ashley but all she identifies as sufficiently romantic are a personalized scavenger hunt (theoretical) and her partner cooking her dinner and buying her flowers. Marita’s in another Escalade: “I don’t know what the future looks like, but I hope it’s us.“

At this point in my note taking, it was 11:40PM and I fell asleep. All night I had stress dreams that someone in South Africa (???) was texting me mean voice notes about my newsletters??!!!

Okay but back to Marita and Ashley’s Ultimatum Morning. Ashley says she was up all night, wondering whether or not to propose to Marita. NOT A STRONG SIGN. She came onto the show as an Ultimatum Giver and now she has no idea what she wants. UHH OH. She’s written Marita a note. OHHHH NOOO. It’s not sounding good! She asks if Marita’s been happy the past few months. Marita is like, “No.“ tl;dr Ashley breaks up with Marita in a way that would be kind way if it wasn’t soooo drawn out. After finally delivering the bad news, she asks for a hug and says she doesn’t want to lose Marita. Oh my God, Ashley!! Don’t put the person you’re breaking up with in the position of comforting you. Just say what you mean and let it lie. Lesbians are always touching things.

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Kyle is jogging to blow off steam pre-proposal. Her feelings remain the same as when she issued the ultimatum: she loves Bridget and wants to commit to her. Her trial marriage taught her that she can be a people pleaser. Bridget, meanwhile, says she feels the same as she did at the beginning of the show: how can she get married when she’s not sure who she’s going to be in 10 to 30 years? But her trial marriage taught her that she doesn’t have everything figured out.

Kyle proposes and is like, I love you! I love seeing your name on my phone :’) Bridget is like, I know I want to be with you forever and maybe we can define marriage our own way. Bridget looks like she’s going to say no, but she might also just feel awkward. She says YES.

happy for these two :')

Kyle is excited to be “a fiancé(e)” because it’s the only gender neutral label (at least spoken out loud!!).

Dayna is meeting with Mel. She was re-reading the letter and it reminded her how real their relationship was. Minutes ago, this bitch was telling Magan that her relationship with Haley was way more real!! Mel is like, I felt so safe with you. Then Mel says she doesn’t want to be friends and they start fighting. Mel admits that she bought Marie a ring, but is scared she’s making the wrong decision. She says she’s proposing because it’s what Marie wants. And Dayna is like, you’ll only hurt her by proposing if it’s not what you want. I agree with Dayna here, for once.

Walking away, Dayna says that she respects her partner too much to leave a door open with Mel. It’s like, Mel was the one who didn’t want a door open and Dayna doesn’t actually seem to respect Magan at all?? I cannot.

So now it’s time for her to meet Magan. First, Dayna makes her recap what happened with Haley. Dayna is pleased that Magan demanded an apology. She reads Magan a letter and it’s sooo vague. Magan also reads a letter--”You show me how magical and special life truly is”-- and wow, I am introducing legislation to ban lesbians from writing letters. Dayna says yes and then takes a second ring out of her cleavage and offers it to Magan.

Last up, it’s Mel and Marie. I have such a bad feeling about this!! Moments ago, Mel said she was unsure about marriage as both a concept and a continuation of her relationship with Marie. Meanwhile, Marie is reflecting that she’ll lose her apartment, business, and ties with friends and family if things end with Mel. Oh no. During the proposal, she’s like, “This relationship is really hard, but we can get through it.” Mel is like, “I have no idea if I want to do this or not!! It changes on a daily basis.” This feels like the overshare-y Instagram caption of a couple who needs to break up. If 80% of your engagement preamble is uncertainty and mutual acknowledgement of how difficult things are between you, maybe…don’t sign up for more relationship?!! Alas, Mel proposes with a sour Ring Pop and Marie says yes.

The show ends with all the engaged couples drinking champagne out of the metal goblets, while Marita and Ashley are nowhere to be seen. The reunion is next and I’m gunning to finish recapping it in the next few days. In the meantime, if you’re also watching The Ultimatum: Queer Love and wanna talk about it, please join us in the TV Dinner chat room 🌼 🌱

Stray Observations

• I’m really curious how they decide who proposes on this show? Is always the butch?? If you’ve watched The Ultimatum: Straight Love, is it always the man who proposes?

• The true nightmare of recapping this show is all the vague “I statements“ that are like, “You deserve the world with or without me.“ It’s like extracting meaning from word soup.

• Love all these dressy butch outfits, though they’re not all successful and feel a lot more improvised than the femme outfits. I recognize this is a systemic issue!!

• Love femmes towering over their butch partners in extreme heels.

• I hate how all these proposal speeches include so much uncertainty. Out of all the couples, Kyle is the only one who’s clear on wanting to marry Bridget before showing up at the proposal site. Hands down my favorite couple.

• Mel’s lip licking *upside down smiley face emoji*

• I kind of like this “I’ll be honest for a change/I can’t forget you babe“ song. The music is not as bad as it could have been and feels less attention-grabby than the music on Selling Sunset, for instance.