The Ultimatum: Queer Love

DON'T TALK ABOUT MY DOG LIKE SHE'S NOT HERE!!

I received SO MANY requests to write about the new season of The Ultimatum: Queer Love and not only did Netflix deny my request for advanced screeners, they refused to give me access to the press website and photo gallery, so I spent the weekend trying to catch up.

The Ultimatum: Queer Love is a reality dating show where five couples--each consisting of one partner who’s unsure about getting married and one partner who has issued an ultimatum e.g. “We either get married or we’re over!”--break up and begin to date all the other participants. After a few days of dating, the cast members pair off and embark on a trial marriage with a new partner. After 21 days, they do a second trial marriage with their original partner. By the end of the show, they have to decide if they want to get engaged to either their original partner or their trial marriage partner, or if they want to leave the show unattached.

mess

I found the format of The Ultimatum so confusing. Why 21 days? How much time has passed between gatherings? Where even are they? It seems like cast members are allowed to leave and see other friends, but the rules regarding this and other aspects of the experience are never explained. At the same time, I feel like The Ultimatum perfectly captures the paradoxical nature of the two main stereotypes about how lesbians date and form relationships: jumping head-first into something brand-new (also known as U-Hauling), and staying in a toxic relationship with someone you’re fundamentally incompatible with for YEARS. By juxtaposing these oppositional lesbian modes, The Ultimatum creates nuclear-level dyke drama.

If you’re also watching The Ultimatum and have any thoughts, feelings, or insights to share with the class, please leave them in the comments. I’m especially interested in hearing from survivors of queer pet drama on the conflict between Tiff and Sam over Shiloh, the 12-year-old dog who sleeps in the bed.

Quick note: The cast members are both queer cis women and some people I read as non-binary, though the show never actually says how anyone identifies (except Vanessa, who is pansexual), or even what their pronouns are (in order to write this, I had to refer to this article in Variety). I’m going to use “lesbian“ throughout this piece, but I mean it in a non-prescriptive cultural way. Here’s a rundown of all the couples:

Aussie, 42 and Sam, 31

Sam issued the ultimatum after a year and a half of dating. She feels Aussie is her soulmate, while Aussie would prefer to live together for 5 years before taking the next step. Aussie, whose pronouns are “Aussie,” seems to be from Australia. I had a difficult time getting a sense of their relationship. They both seem nice.

Sam and Aussie

Yoly, 34 and Mal, 36

Yoly issued the ultimatum after 3 years of dating because she wants kids as soon as possible. Mal is a Virgo who wants to wait until she’s financially stable to get married and start a family. She’s also worried that Yoly’s more interested in the idea of marriage than their actual relationship. They were friends before they started dating, and Mal has watched Yoly fall seriously in love time and time again, and doesn’t understand why their current relationship is any different, aside from timing.

Xander, 30 and Vanessa, 30

Xander and Vanessa met in high school because their boyfriends were best friends!! Four years ago, they reconnected while waiting in line at the same taco truck and started dating. Xander issued the ultimatum—from day one of their relationship, she’s been absolutely certain she wants to marry Vanessa. Vanessa, on the other hand, isn’t sure if she wants to be married. Xander wants to have kids and isn’t willing to sacrifice that dream for Vanessa.

As the show progresses, it becomes clear that all Vanessa wants is chaos.

Lexi, 24 and Rae, 27

Lexi issued the ultimatum after 3 years of dating. Even though she’s only 24, she’s one of the more mature-seeming contestants on the show. Both her parents work in the wedding industry and she’s ready for the next step. Rae comes across as shy and a little overwhelmed by the whole situation, which is fair because it is a shitshow.

Tiff, 32 and Mildred, 33

Mildred issued the ultimatum after almost 2 years of dating. Tiff is hesitant to say yes because they have “horrible communication” and break up and get back together constantly. The sex, however, is great and Tiff goes on and on about how unbelievably horny they are for Mildred. They also do a non-nude sex scene in the first episode. Tiff admits that while the ultimatum Mildred issued makes them really uncomfortable, Mildred has a right to know if marriage is on the table.

Tiff and Mildred met via the #lesbianlatina hashtag on Instagram. (This is important, exciting representation for lesbian couples who met via Instagram.) Also, they went to couples therapy and were dropped by their therapist.

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR EPISODES 1-4!!!!!!

BIG SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!!

STOP READING IF YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT SPOILERS!!!!!!

Episode 1: This episode introduces the couples and explains the general gist of the show. The host, a Who named Joanne Garcia Swisher, goes out of her way to clarify she is NOT queer. They couldn’t find one lesbian to host? There’s wasn’t like, a former OITNB cast member available? My girlfriend *just* saw Lea DeLaria wandering around our neighborhood. It seems like she would really relish this opportunity.

Mal and Yoly at the opening ceremony

The couples spend one last night together before “breaking up“ and beginning the dating portion of the show. Everyone is pretty tearful and preemptively jealous. No one discusses what their boundaries are going to be during their trial breakup, at least not on camera.

The cast members begin the dating portion of Ultimatum, and are instructed to refer to their original partners as their “ex-girlfriends.” Everyone is wearing swimsuits and lounging by the pool. This scene doesn’t feel as forced as it could because hanging out with a recent ex and a group of new friends, some of whom you maybe want to date, actually feels like a normal lesbian thing to do. For the most part, everyone hits it off. Rae observes that since everyone wants to be married or is thinking about marriage, the conversations are way deeper.

We learn more FACTS about the cast members:

• Vanessa is pansexual and hasn’t actively dated in four years.

• Rae wants to carry her partner’s egg and her partner will carry her egg with the same sperm donor, so this way they’ll both feel a connection to the resulting babies. I get the appeal of this idea, but this is over 100k of out-of-pocket medical bills plus the pain and hassle of egg retrieval for what? The knowledge that a baby was in your uterus?

• Xander is rendered speechless by Lexi’s big bazongas. Everyone wants to talk about Lexi’s big bazongas!!

• Tiff can’t date someone who would eat “a juicy raw fucking steak.“ They also don’t want kids. Wait, doesn’t Mildred have a son?

• Mal is looking for “vibes“ in a partner.

• Lexi is a Capricorn.

• Mildred’s hair is so distracting.

• I wish this show would drop the cast members’ pronouns, or include them in the chyrons.

At all times, the cast members are drinking out of off-putting metal glasses. I initially thought this was a safety thing like how some bars and lazy river tubing companies don’t serve anything in a glass bottle, but my girlfriend informed me that producers use opaque glasses so footage can be edited and chopped up without continuity issues.

Mildred and Tiff feat. continuity cups

Episode 2: The dates continue, this time on a dock. Vanessa goes on successful dates with Mal, Rae, and Lexi. She’s flirting hard, but also engaging with the other cast members in such an uncomfortable way. She tells Lexi that even though she’s normally into small boobs, she’s really attracted to her big bazongas. That is an INSIDE THOUGHT, Vanessa!! She also talks about her relationship with Xander as being totally over. She’s sharing reasons why they didn’t work out, as though the show breakup was a real breakup.

Vanessa NO

During Lexi and Vanessa’s date, Vanessa reveals that Xander recently told her that she would be asexual if she weren’t with Vanessa. This is a weird thing to say in general, but is also directly contradicted by Xander a few minutes later, when she describes herself as a "very sexual person” to Yoly. The vibe I get from Vanessa is she thinks dating women means acting like worst possible straight man, or that as a white woman, she’s not capable of hurting others.

Next, Yoly and Xander talk about pregnancy and starting a family. Xander shares that in her relationship with Vanessa, Vanessa wanted to parent her own biological children and raise them separately from Xander’s biological children, which is BONKERS and such a depressing family formation. It starts to thunder and they discuss how sensual rain and electrical storms are lol.

Aussie and Mildred go on a date and it gets very emotional in under 5 minutes. Aussie talks about being on a gender journey and wanting to get married, which is weird because Aussie’s said the exact opposite in other scenes.

Lexi feels like Vanessa is coming on the show with nothing to lose, since she knows Xander won’t be into anyone else, and identifies Vanessa as an enemy who isn’t “there for the right reasons.” She also says that Vanessa makes her uncomfortable. Fair!!

All the couples gather on a nondescript patio. It’s time to pair off into trial marriages. As you can imagine, many of the cast members are crying. Yoly and Lexi commune about how much they hate Vanessa and think she is a narcissist with bad intentions. And indeed, Vanessa is acting like an actual villain—she forbids Xander from dating Yoly and is being so mean to everyone. She keeps mouthing “fuck off” at Xander like a petulant teen!! Vanessa sucks so much!!

Luckily, Xander goes ahead and chooses Yoly anyways. Yoly chooses Xander back and they both look soooo happy.

Next, something wild happens. Lexi calls Vanessa out for not being a gaslighter who’s not emotionally invested in the Ultimatum process. Xander stands up for Vanessa and says that no one understands Vanessa!! NO BABY, NO! I can’t think of anything more “first lesbian relationship“ than defending your terrible girlfriend as misunderstood and too complicated for other people to understand.

It’s unclear if anyone will marry Vanessa, even on a trial basis, but then it’s Rae’s turn to choose. WHO WILL RAE CHOOSE?

choosing trial spouses

Episode 3: The choices continue. Who will move in together for a trial marriage? Rae chooses Bad Vanessa, who chooses her back!! Mal and Lexi choose each other. Lexi says she feels like she knows Mal 99% better than anyone in the world, which hilarious because they JUST MET. Rae makes a sad super face when she hears this.

Aussie and Mildred choose each other for vague, “you’re an amazing human“ reasons. Tiff randomly interjects and says that in order to commit to marriage, they need to be able to put their reactions aside and “lean into love.“ They choose Sam, while also sobbing because they’re so in love with Mildred. I feel bad for Sam—her trial spouse is a mess. Vanessa smiles evilly from across the table, while Mildred gets up and leaves the room.

This means that Aussie and Sam have fully swapped partners with Mildred and Tiff.

The trial marriages begin. The new couples relocate to their new apartments. They have to share a bathroom and figure out sleeping positions, pajamas preferences, and bedtime routines. Tiff is crying about their relationship with Mildred ending. Sam is like, “Let it out.” Tiff says that their dog is arriving tomorrow and the dog has to sleep in bed with them. Sam is open to dogs, but doesn’t want to sleep with the dog if the dog will crowd her legs and make her feel claustrophobic. This is totally reasonable!

Vanessa is being so awful to Rae, like pulling her onto the bed and making all kinds of weird, sexualizing comments. I want to rescue Rae.

Lexi and Mal seem like they’re ready to fuck. They practice cuddle positions and can’t stop talking about how “perfect” they are for each other.

Aussie and Mildred are turning down for the night. Aussie brings in a heart-shaped bamboo plant and sets it on the nightstand. Aussie says this plant was a special gift from a friend and they had to bring it along so it wouldn’t die. Babe, it is bamboo. It’s not going to die. Aussie prefers to sleep in undies but is wearing pajamas for modesty’s sake. They have a cute, supportive conversation about sleeping naked.

Episode 4: Vanessa and Rae are in a creepy, sterile-looking room. Oh wait, it’s a piercing studio lol. Vanessa is getting her nipples pierced and is sexualizing the situation so much. She tells Rae that Rae will have to “look at them all day” and will also need to show Vanessa HER boobs?? Rae looks miserable. Vanessa sucks, and this scene feels as much like sexual harassment as it does flirting.

Next, Xander and Yoly are eating at a restaurant. Yoly is like, “living with you is so easy.“ Xander is like, “I love to clean up after myself and support my partner.” They process a desire fo more time together. A lifetime, perhaps.

Over in Tiff and Sam land, things are not going well. Sam doesn’t want Tiff’s 12-year-old dog, Shiloh, to sleep in bed with them, so Tiff’s been sleeping on the couch with the dog. Tiff says they can’t date someone who “acts like they don’t give a shit about my dog!!!!” Sam says she can’t compromise on the bed thing, but that she’s otherwise open to a relationship with Shiloh. Sam is acting like a totally reasonable adult and practicing good communication, and it feels like Tiff is picking a fight and spiraling out like a overtired toddler. How long has it been since their trial marriage started? A day?

Mildred meets Aussie’s friend, Mo. Mo is here to STIR THE POT! Is Mo available to host this mess? That’s the real question. Mo asks if they’re having sex yet and Mildred gets really defensive. Mo says that Aussie is terrified of commitment and Aussie agrees with this assessment. This is news to Mildred, who thought that Aussie had changed in the 4 days since their “marriage” started. Mildred says that she has a son and really wants to be married. Back in their apartment, Mildred confronts Aussie about doing Aussie’s fair share of housework. Apparently Aussie said Aussie was going to cook for Mildred and Aussie hasn’t cooked at all, not one meal. Aussie says Aussie’s been eating at restaurants with friends and surviving on leftovers. Mildred says she’s HUNGRY and Aussie is aggravating her TRUST ISSUES.

Tiff apologizes to Sam for raising their voice and then they describe how the fight felt in their body. Sam says she’s dated a lot of traumatized people who aren’t able to self-reflect and process their own actions, so she appreciates that Tiff’s trying to do better. This conversation seems like it is probably educational for Tiff, who has been with someone who thrives off conflict, but also illustrates that Tiff and Sam are in totally different places re: communication ability.

Out on the beach, Vanessa casually mentions that she might not be monogamous. She and Rae are having a picnic, when Vanessa strips down and goes in the water. Rae wants to keep her clothes on because it’s cold out, but Vanessa is being so grabby and pressures Rae into taking off her clothes.

While lounging on nondescript patio furniture, Lexi confesses that she has body image issues that come up during sex. Mal is supportive!!

After an earlier conversation where they establish that they’re both interested in “taking things to the next level,” Xander and Yoly have sex. In the morning, Xander thanks her and uses the phrase “give yourself to me.“ Then she puts on a backwards snapback. These two seem like a really believable couple.

Rae and Vanessa also slept together and the preceding action was Vanessa pretending to fall on top of Rae, which I HATE SO MUCH!! The next morning, Rae is visibly freaking out. Vanessa responds with weird, disconnected jokes that absolutely don’t land, while Rae is grieving the end of her relationship with Lexi and trying to share her feelings with Vanessa. Then Rae says that she doesn’t understand why anyone likes her. Rae!! Baby, no. It’s weird Vanessa can’t sympathize with Rae and I get that this is a reality TV show that’s been edited and deeply scripted, but this is feeling…not consensual.

Lexi feels betrayed by Rae and vents to Mal about it. I didn’t realize sex was off the table in the trial marriages—obviously Netflix can’t tell anyone to have sex and it’s up to the actual couples if sex allowed in the trial marriages, but I feel like this is too important a stake to omit. Mal is being such an active listener and really emphasizing. Then LEXI SAYS “I LOVE YOU” TO MAL?? It feels unfair that Lexi is acting so butthurt about Rae’s infidelity, while also being so emotionally invested and verbally affectionate with Mal?

Next, Mildred picks a fight with Aussie about their respective communication styles. I guess Aussie doesn’t do a good job communicating about when the bathroom is free?? Aussie refuses to engage and says that Mildred is always trying to make Aussie look bad when the cameras are rolling. I really don’t understand this fight.

The cast is reunited for a mid-marriage check-in, and the queers congregate in two separate groups. No one is paired with their current or ex partner. In one group, everyone is prompted to name one thing that annoys them about their trial spouse. It’s clear that Xander thinks that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with Yoly. Their biggest problem living together is that Yoly’s dog plays with water bottles and leaves them all over the floor. I found this very sweet!!

Mildred and Sam discuss Aussie’s avoidant communication style. According to Sam, Aussie can only have real conversations after spending some time alone with a meditation app. Mildred says Aussie is 42 and needs to get over it. Sam shares that being married to Tiff--a nightmare person she doesn’t feel emotionally invested in--is helping her learn to communicate directly. Also, it seems like Mildred is misgendering Aussie in this scene? Thus far, none of the cast members have talked about their gender or sexuality with much detail and it makes me wonder if there’s something really fundamental that Mildred just doesn’t “get” about Aussie.

In the non-Vanessa group, which includes Xander, everyone is questioning Vanessa’s intentions. Xander defends her ex and tries to prevent a pile-on. It’s very sweet, but then Mildred calls out Xander for defending Vanessa. And then, in the Vanessa group, Lexi confronts Vanessa about fucking Rae. Apparently Vanessa wore lingerie to bed that night, which is evidence that the sex was pre-meditated. Vanessa confesses that she only cares about Rae as a friend, which sends Lexi into a fit of rage because The Ultimatum is not about friendship, it’s abut marriage. The word “penetration” is used way too many times.

My predictions:

• I predict Tiff and Mildred will stay together, if only because they’re too toxic to date anyone else.

• Aussie and Sam are a toss-up. It seems Aussie has no idea what Aussie wants from a relationship. I see Aussie as a people-pleaser who tells Aussie’s partners what they want to hear and then simply doesn’t follow through, which is passive-aggressive and poor form. For better or worse, Sam seems to really understand Aussie. I initially worried that she was a doormat, but she really stands up to Tiff re: dog drama and I think she will make the right decision for her.

• Yoly and Mal are the most well-adjusted and mature cast members. I think they’ll break up because they actually have the skills to de-couple. Plus, they’re both super horny for their trial partners and Mal was already insecure about Yoly’s propensity to fall in love after 15 minutes.

• Out of all the couples, Xander and Vanessa need to break up the most. Now that Vanessa’s antics are being called out, it might give Xander the perspective to leave. Also this is Xander’s first queer relationship, if not first long-term relationship, and she’s hanging on because she doesn’t realize she has other options. In the smoochy scenes with Yoly, it genuinely seems like she’s having an important revelation.

• So much has come between Lexi and Rae in the first 4 episodes, and it’s so uncomfortable to watch Lexi discuss Rae and Vanessa’s hook-up with the other cast members. Rae is definitely getting steamrolled by everyone around her. My hope is that she leaves a singleton. I think Lexi will abscond with Mal.