2 Ultimatum, 2 Queer Love 💍

"I love when you talk to me while I'm grilling steak."

The Ultimatum: Queer Love is a show about 10 unhinged homosexuals who are obsessed with marriage, but why would any queer person want to get married? Queerness is an opportunity to live differently. Marriage is a skeevy, state-sponsored institution that has historically excluded queer and interracial couples, and reduced women and children to property. Today in the U.S., disabled people who receive Medicaid and Social Security are unable to marry without losing access to healthcare, housing, and other vital support. And when it comes down to it, what’s the difference between being married and in a committed relationship? I’m seriously asking these questions, but I’m also not. I get that marriage holds cultural, social, and personal significance for a lot of people. There are religious reasons to get married, as well as family ones. Marriage is a basic human right. It’s also a means of accessing health insurance, Social Security, and citizenship. It’s a chance to succeed where your parents and many others have failed. You get to have a wedding and weddings are a rare example of ritual and communal celebration in our lonely-ass, individualistic society. If you have a wedding, people will travel great distances to attend. They will buy a new outfit and pay for a hotel unlike if you had, say, a birthday party or important softball game.

This sounds terrible, I know, but when I think about what it would mean to marry my girlfriend, I think about all the duds and zeroes I dated before we met. A wedding would be my chance to wear a beautiful dress and show off this person who always answers my texts and has never, not once, yelled at me in a moving vehicle. I love my girlfriend and it would be meaningful to say so in front of friends and family, but I also have 3 to 4 evil exes and they need to know that LOVE WINS I WON, FUCKERS!!

If you, like me, are thinking about marriage and wondering what it means for your dykedom and sense of queer superiority, The Ultimatum: Queer Love will not help you. In this newest glut of episodes from the ol’ content machine at Netflix, the cast members wrap up their trial marriages and return to their original partners. Along the way, they talk endlessly about marriage as an individual choice but never in a way that feels particularly insightful, let alone queer. There’s a real emptiness here, but nevertheless I persisted and recapped episodes 5 through 8.

As always, if you’re also watching The Ultimatum and have any thoughts, feelings, or insights to share with the class, please leave them in the comments. A few people responded to my previous post and said that The Ultimatum lacks cat lesbian representation. But unless you have a cat from hell or severe allergy, I don’t think a cat causes drama. A cat is just going to hide under the bed or be a weird little guy on the counter, while dogs have constant, unending needs and are always trying to hang. I am a lifelong dog lesbian in a relationship with another lifelong dog lesbian, and I assure you that almost all of our conflict is dog-related.

SPOILER ALERT!!

STOP READING IF YOU CARE ABOUT SPOILERS!!!

BEING AWARE OF SPOILERS HAS NO RACE, MILDRED!

Episode 5: At the beginning of this episode, all the couples are back in their apartments after the group mixer where tensions between Vanessa and Lexi came to a head. Everyone is processing the drama, as well as the fact that their trial marriages are coming to a close. This is a rough show to recap because all the conversations are so circular and vague, so I’ve done my best to summarize what people are saying but who fucking knows.

First off, Yoly tells Xander that Vanessa had sex with Rae. Even worse, Vanessa only sees Rae as a friend despite being on a reality TV show that’s “so much deeper than that.“ Xander, whose neck is covered by a distractingly large hickey, refuses to trash talk her ex-girlfriend. She takes the high road and has sex with Yoly instead. I think these two each have incurable, stage 5 baby fever and that’s why they’re so horny for each other.

Over in Rae and Vanessa’s den of penetration, Rae says the sex they had was consensual and it’s weird that everyone is talking about it. I agree, but was it consensual? Vanessa is a sex pest. Also, why does Lexi keep using the word “penetration“ when talking about their hook-up? It’s giving virginity myth. The shocker here is that Lexi and Rae discussed sleeping with their trial partners beforehand and agreed it would be okay. In this light, all of Lexi’s anger and public shaming feels totally unhinged. A song plays and the lyrics go, “I’m feeling so dangerous. I’m feeling so dangerous.“

Next, Mildred tries to have a serious conversation with Aussie. It starts off on a good note. But then, Mildred says something about Aussie not being present emotionally. Her tone seems a little confrontational, but it’s honestly difficult to tell if it’s her or the scary piano music playing. Aussie starts mumbling and is unable to make eye contact. Aussie says, “I’m not willing to talk to you when you’re in this mood.“ And Mildred says, “THIS IS THE ONLY MOOD I HAVE!!”

Aussie rushes out of the apartment. Mildred curses Aussie and the trial marriage. When Aussie returns the next day, Aussie packs up all Aussie’s clothing and belongings and moves out. Aussie’s like a bird, Aussie’s gotta fly away.

When Mildred returns home, she yells about how Aussie never took the trash out, even though there’s dirty tampons in it. In my notes I wrote: “Tampons in the kitchen trash???” She also talks about how Aussie leaving triggers her abandonment issues, even though she’s only known Aussie for a few weeks and they’re not actually married.

Over at Yoly and Xander’s pavilion of love, the happy couple has a craft night where they sit on the floor and tie-dye t-shirts. Xander says that with Yoly, she goes to bed having fun and wakes up having fun. This is such a cute thing to say and I’m going to steal it for the next time I’m really trying to gas my girlfriend up. Next, Yoly asks if Xander wants a v-neck to tie-dye and Xander says no. Yoly observes that queer people don’t like to show their clavicles and I screamed. Is that true? I think it’s true!!

We meet some friends and family:

• Xander has lunch with Blair, her best friend from childhood. I read Blair as a well-adjusted straight woman who would absolutely not fuck with Vanessa if she had a choice. Blair says that whenever Vanessa feels insecure or uncomfortable, she starts putting on a show. In other words, Vanessa is annoying. Xander tells Blair that the trial marriage has changed her life. Blair asks Xander if she’s in love with Yoly and Xander replies, DUH.

• Lexi and Mal meet Lexi’s parents. Lexi’s parents are hot but they have weird, “our adult daughter tells us about her sex life“ energy. Lexi tells them about Rae’s infidelity and describes Vanessa as an actress who doesn’t care about marriage. Lexi says that Mal will be apart of all their lives forever. Lexi’s mom is like, “I think you’re rushing into things.“ Lexi is like, “I don’t think dating for six months would change things“ as if six months is a long time?? Lexi and her mom start fighting. Dad interjects and says that in his career as a jeweler, he sees all manner of couples get engaged and there’s no rhyme or reason to who stays together. I’m sure this is true anecdotally. It’s weird that these grown-ass adults are taking The Ultimatum seriously. I wish they would bring Lexi home. She’s not adjusting well to camp.

• Rae meets Vanessa’s extremely divorced dad. He looks just like his daughter and he has THEORIES. He’s says that when marriage was invented, lifespans were shorter and people only lived to age 25. This is a particularly weird thing to call out about the history of marriage — like, a more notable thing to say might be “women couldn’t own property or maintain custody of their children” or “marital rape wasn’t acknowledged as real until like 5 minutes ago.”

• Lexi meets Mal’s close friend, Alicia, who immediately becomes the best character on the show. Alicia sensibly says that Lexi’s age is “a cute red flag.“ As much as I love Mal and respect the 24-year-old community, it gives me pause that she’s able to connect with someone so young (Lexi has some really rigid ideas about what she wants her life and relationships to look like and she’s always drawing arbitrary lines in the sand, which is such a tell that she doesn’t have much lived experience and has never had anything in her life go meaningfully wrong). Alicia says that people often mistake Mal’s kindness and stellar personality for romantic attention, and I could see how desperate, horned lesbians would project a lot onto a mega babe like Mal. I also think Mal is just a flirt.

• Sam meets Tiff’s chaotic butch friend, Natasha. I appreciated their candor. They are a gay divorcee and confirm that Tiff and Mildred’s relationship is toxic, and they need to just break up. They also ask a lot of questions about “intimacy” and tells Tiff and Sam to hold hands and maybe kiss. I don’t know.

It’s the last night of trial marriages. The horniness and drama has dissipated, even Vanessa is calm. Everyone is packing and anticipating seeing their exes.

It seems like Tiff and Sam might hook up, but instead they have a friendly chat in bed. Over in Lexi and Mal’s quarters, Lexi floats the idea of sex, but Mal is too distraught and vulnerable to smash. It seems like if they were going to hook up, the time was at the beginning of their trial marriage, when they were practicing cuddle positions. At this point, they’ve settled into a friend-zone of sorts.

As I watched this episode, I was struck by how joyless this show is. The format ruins the excitement and sense of possibility inherent to new relationships, as well as whatever the original partners had in the way of trust and rapport. It’s also so obviously low-budget—there are no fun challenges or spunky hosts, it’s just lesbians sitting around a terrible high-rise apartment complex. Even the bisexual season of Are You the One? had the Boom Boom Room and a therapist who designed obstacle courses.

Episode 6: Joanna, the straight host, is back. Everyone is sitting at a long-ass table covered in candles and the infamous, metallic continuity cups. It looks like they might be about to play the world’s most dour game of flip-cup, but no— it’s time to begin the second trial marriage, but first everyone has to talk. We don’t learn a ton of new information in this segment, only that:

• Tiff admits to having “anger issues“ in their relationship with Mildred that translated into their time with Sam.

• Aussie said Aussie didn’t feel safe in the trial marriage and Aussie had to leave. Mildred says she feels silenced and cheated out of the trial marriage experience, all because Aussie cannot deal with direct communication. Tiff interjects and says that it’s wrong to just leave a marriage.

• Vanessa asks to read an apology about how her views on marriage have changed! The fact that Vanessa doesn’t want to get married is not a moral failing that needs to be fixed, but of course the show treats it like one. Yoly says the apology is PERFORMATIVE. Xander is like, “Leave your heart open!! Vanessa is capable of growth!“

• It’s a big love fest between Xander and Yoly and their original partners are ANNOYED. Yoly says that Xander does housework, so being married to her is preferable to being married to Mal. Mal looks jealous. Next, Vanessa asks if they had sex and Xander says something evasive in response. Vanessa asks if Xander would rather stay with Yoly, and Xander says that’s something they should talk about privately. OUCH!!

Everyone moves in with their original partners and the second trial marriage begins. I wonder how many of the couples actually live together irl and whether or not this is a new experience? I did some light social media research and it looks like Yoly lives in Chicago, while Mal lives in Seattle. I guess this is reality TV and all reality TV is fake, but this seems like pertinent information.

Lexi refuses to share a bed with Rae, while Vanessa has totally backtracked and tells Xander she wants to get married and have kids. Xander seems unsure. Vanessa asks if she and Yoly had sex “with mouths.” Then she sits on Xander’s lap!! Xander is overwhelmed and runs out of the room.

Over in Mal and Yoly’s room, Yoly is feeling really emotional. She misses Xander and confesses to Mal that she’s in love with them both. Mal says she feels ready to marry Yoly and was considering adding her to her health insurance and hitting up Lexi’s jeweler dad for rings. Like Vanessa, Mal is whistling a totally different tune than the one she came in with and I’m suspicious.

Over on Aussie and Sam’s granite kitchen island, the pair go in on a box of Crumbl cookies. Sam asks if Aussie learned anything from the trial marriage. Aussie is like, “I learned I can be a better person!!“ Aussie says that Sam is more assertive now. They cuddle heavily. Aussie says that Aussie needs to have sex after a 3-week hiatus. “Aussie says that Aussie needs to have sex…“ is the worst sentence anyone has ever written lol.

Mildred and Tiff are on the express bus to Poundtown, those horny freaks. I laughed so hard at Mildred’s dog on the bed. But wait, where is Tiff’s dog? Also, is anything less sexy that this security camera footage?? The camera is so far away. It’s like we’re in a ghost hunting show.

On a beach, Lexi cries and says that she never felt fully at home in Rae’s apartment—”you gave me a key, not a home!” The camera cuts to seagulls fighting over garbage. Rae questions whether or not she even deserves to be loved. Baby, no!! I’m worried Rae doesn’t have a strong enough sense of self to withstand Lexi’s constant judgements.

Vanessa reveals that before coming on the show, she and Xander had “free reign“ over each other’s phones. This is the most stressful thing I’ve ever heard, but I suppose it’s not a toxic lesbian relationship without a little phone snooping. Vanessa finds out that Xander and Yoly are exchanging “hot emojis“ and flirtatious DMs. She feels Xander isn’t giving their trial marriage a fair chance. Vanessa says I love you and Xander almost doesn’t say it back, and finally whispers “me too” after Vanessa, like, threatens her. PLEASE BREAK UP. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE EXCEPT CERTAIN MISERY.

Wise friend Natasha is back! This time, she’s having drinks with Tiff and Mildred. We learn that they have broken up over 50 times, or every 2 weeks since the beginning of their relationship. We also learn that they were going to couple’s therapy but their couple’s therapist fired them because they were beyond professional help. As a gay of divorce experience, Natasha is like, maybe your issues are deeper than 21 days and you should break up!

Next, Rae has dinner with Lexi and her hot parents. They all gang up on Rae for not being ready for commitment and cheating on Lexi. I feel terrible for Rae in this situation. It seems clear that she has some self-esteem problems. Lexi’s dad has fully bought in to the rules of this stupid show and asks, “You guys were on a break?” If my dad said this to me, I would die.

And lastly, Vanessa is driving a humungous Yukon down the highway. Now that Xander has one foot out the door, she’s desperate to get her back and has planned some sort of surprise outing. Oh no, it’s a hot air balloon ride. Once they’re up in the air and Xander cannot escape, Vanessa pulls out another letter and reads it aloud. She basically wants their relationship to go back to normal. Xander is like, thank you for your vulnerability and says she’ll give it her all. OH NO. THEY’RE GETTING BACK TOGETHER WHEN THEY SHOULD BE BREAKING UP.

Episode 7: Mal gets up early to prepare a fruit salad for her love. When Yoly comes out of the bedroom, Mal mentions that she’s been doing a lot of housework. Yoly agrees that they’re doing well… as roommates. She’s more worried about their romantic connection. Mal is like, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Over in Aussie and Sam land, Aussie announces that Aussie’s had a revelation about gender roles. Aussie grew up thinking masculinity meant being a breadwinner but since Sam makes 3x more money than Aussie, Aussie is open to staying home and doing all the housework. Wait, seriously? It really seems like Aussie is just beginning to process what seems like a traumatic childhood and questioning the lessons Aussie’s absorbed about gender and what it means to be in a relationship. I’m really happy for Aussie, but Sam needs someone on her level. Most of all, I’m curious if the fact that Sam makes more money was one of the reasons Aussie was hesitant to marry her. I want details!! Let me take a moment to plug my queer advice column because I have been WAITING for someone to ask me a question about money as it pertains to a queer relationship. You can send me a question here.

Next, Lexi and Rae are swaddled in blankets. They talk about having sex again. Five minutes ago they were sobbing on the beach, but now it seems like their relationship is on the mend. Lexi promises to always be there and it seems serious. Rae says she feels excited and thankful. Okay.

Over by the pool, Tiff tries to talk to Mildred about their communication issues. Mildred immediately goes on the defensive and won’t let Tiff finish a single thought. I would pay $20 to know what happened between these two and their couples therapist. Mildred said that she’s Latina and Latinas talk over each other. She can never not be Latina. Tiff calls her bullshit and yells, “BEING RESPECTFUL HAS NO RACE, MILDRED!“

Sam meets Aussie’s brother, Ron, who has impeccable vibes and shoulder-length hair. Ron knows that Aussie is queer and uses Aussie’s real name, but we learn that Aussie isn’t out to their parents and Aussie’s mom still tries to set Aussie up with men. It’s weird that Sam doesn’t already know this? Sam says that her last relationship was with someone who wasn’t out and it was really draining to have to pretend to be a friend. Her family is accepting and happy, and Aussie and Bro joke about how they can’t relate. Sam confirms that she will leave Aussie if there’s no engagement.

Over by the hot tub, Tiff and Mildred drink wine. Tiff says that when Mildred breaks up with them every two weeks, it makes them feel disposable. They’re like, I can’t marry someone who constantly threatens to leave when things are hard. Mildred responds with some introspection. She’s seeing PATTERNS in her adult relationships and she appreciates that Tiff keeps showing up. Tiff says that they’re wiling to try again.

There’s another mixer for all the cast members at a hotel bar. We find out that Vanessa messaged Mal and spilled the beans about Yoly and Xander DMing. Mal feels weird about this and doesn’t see a problem with them talking, so Vanessa says that Yoly asked for a selfie. Yoly explains this away as a friendly request, but you can tell Mal is a little bothered.

There is some complicated, inchoate drama between these four. Xander wants Yoly to agree to get married!! But now that Mal is showing up and washing dishes in their trial marriage, Yoly feels conflicted and torn. Xander says that Mal is giving friend and roommate, but what Yoly really needs is a romantic connection.

The mixer ends and everyone returns to their respective lairs. Lexi confronts Rae for hugging Vanessa at the party. She feels that Rae should have not spoken or even looked at her former trial spouse. This is a villain moment for Lexi and the fact that she’s always testing Rae is very 24 of her and speaks to way bigger problems in their relationship. There were only 10 people at this party, including them. Rae is not someone who’s gonna start conflict by being rude. Lexi demands Rae reassure her that Vanessa is out of the picture—”She’s calculated and full of shit! Not a good person!”

Mal and Yoly are also back in their apartment, having a fight and speaking in riddles. Yoly still feels emotionally connected to both Mal and Xander. She’s not ready to make a decision re: marriage. Mal runs out into the hallway and sobs in a stairwell. It’s very dramatique.

And lastly, Vanessa and Xander debrief in their apartment. Vanessa feels sad that Rae didn’t talk to her, and Xander replies Rae is being controlled by Lexi. They have sex and we get to watch the first few moments through a security camera mounted in the high corner of the room. No dog on the bed :(

Episode 8: Mildred and Tiff and their dogs are at the dog beach. Tiff says some kind things about Mildred’s parenting style. They talk about her son, who’s disabled and might not be able to live independently as an adult. This is such a specific, heartfelt conversation. They don’t fight or disparage each other, not even a little bit. The dogs are running across their beach blanket and splashing them with sand.

At a restaurant that can only be described as gay and Mexican, Aussie and Sam are meeting up with Sharmaine, Sam’s friend who I would trust with my entire life. When Aussie complains about how assertive “the new Sam“ is, you can actually see Sharmaine prickle. Then Aussie says that she doesn’t see Aussie’s side anymore. Sam is like, “Actually, what you’re saying is that I’m not protecting your feelings and accommodating your bullshit.” Aussie replies that Sam’s feelings are bullshit!! Sharmaine uses their no-nonsense dyke voice and says, don’t call her feelings bullshit! Aussie runs out of the restaurant and has a meltdown in the parking lot. Sam looks fucking over it. You can tell she’s adding this incident to a list of reasons to leave Aussie.

Honestly, this scene was so hard to watch. I have someone in my life who reacts similarly to criticism and direct communication and it was really surreal/stressful to watch this sort of trauma response from the outside. Whenever Aussie is confronted by negative feedback, Aussie reverts into a scared little kid and instantly de-regulates. It’s seems likely that Aussie experienced physical punishment and other physical/emotional abuse as a child, and is only just beginning to acknowledge Aussie’s trauma and understand how the past affects Aussie today. I hope Aussie is in therapy. A reality TV show is not the place for anyone to heal or make progress.

Vanessa’s dad is back. He tells his daughter that she’s mistaking her fear of losing Xander with wanting to get married and commit. Vanessa is like, “No I’m not!“ She’s wrong. She is acting out of fear and she should listen to me and her dad.

It’s the last night of the original marriages. Alicia, Mal’s sensible friend, is back to have drinks with Mal and Yoly. Yoly tells Alicia that she’s in love with Xander. You can tell Alicia is desperate to talk sense into these people, but doesn’t know where to start. Yoly also shares that Xander has money saved for IVF. They went over the financials during their trial marriage. This is so interesting because the reason Mal gave for not wanting to get married was that she wanted to wait and save money. Yoly felt like she was stalling. I suppose the difference is that Mal was talking about saving money, while Xander actually did it. I said this before, but I think Yoly is desperate to have a baby and deeply attracted to anything and anyone who can put that goal within reach.

Next, Tiff and Mal have another big discussion about Mildred’s previous marriage, which occurred after a short courtship. Mildred defends this decision by saying that she and her ex-wife were both business owners, so they had a deep understanding of each other as entrepreneurs. Um, what?

Aussie and Sam do some more processing, with Sam pointing out that Aussie has a lot of healing to do, but also that Aussie raised Aussie’s brother, who’s great, and is clearly capable of deep love. WHO’S CRYING?? Lexi and Rae have a jovial dinner and joke about their upcoming decision. Mal and Yoly are also having a nice talk. Mal says she called Yoly’s parents and asked for her hand in marriage, and they were so excited and consider Mal part of the family.

This episode ends on a cliffhanger. Yoly is riding in a car, looking winsome. Mal is sitting in a gazebo, also looking winsome. The pair walk towards each other. I love both their outfits in this (and every!) scene. It seems like Mal is about to propose and then the episode ends.

My predictions for the final two episodes:

• I think Mal will propose to Yoly, but Yoly will say no.

• Sadly, I think Xander will propose to Vanessa.

• Tiff and Mildred are a toss-up for me! I could see Tiff moving on, but I could also see them making a huge mistake and proposing.

• I think Lexi will propose to Rae because she’s committed to a very specific vision of her life, but there’s a possibility Rae will say no.

• I think Sam will move on and Aussie will run out of the gazebo and into the forest.

• As aways, let me know what you think in the comments!!