hell
Well fuck. We can’t even get a fresh hell in America, just a crusty old hell to layer on top of other concurrent, interrelated hells like the genocide in Gaza and privatized health care. When will it stop? I just went on my phone and gay people are reading poems about resilience and revolution. The messaging is very, “The sun still came up this morning. There’s coffee to brew and cats to pet.“ I hate this sentiment, but I also need it right now. I don’t know what else we have besides the comfort of mundane life and the knowledge that our pets have no idea what’s going on right now. I personally woke up at five this morning, checked my phone, and did a load of laundry. I doubt I will make it to the gym today but if I do, I want my favorite leggings to be clean.
Anyways, sending love to everyone. If you want to comment here about how you’re feeling, what you’re up to today, or some goofy shit about you and your life, I’m all ears. Ask me a queer advice question and I will weigh in, even if it’s just to say, “That’s fucked up. I’m sorry.“
xoxo, Maddy
P.S. The sun came up this morning and we have a very cool month ahead on this blog. I’m doing a roundtable discussion of Fanatical: The Catfishing of Tegan and Sara documentary with Clover and Julia . I’m excited to run an interview with my friend Faythe about her new book, As Ever, Miriam. There will be queer advice! And of course, check out my recent interview with adrienne maree brown.
I was up until 4am this morning and ended up missing my first class of the day. I’m not viscerally upset - I expected this - but I’m trying to get myself up and ready for my next class and an event tonight. I’m trying to have patience and empathy for the big reactions from people in my life who are more insulated from bad effects from this upcoming presidency than others I know, including myself. Everyone needs space for their feelings, but sometimes, seeing your more privileged, more socially powerful friends have a meltdown is disheartening.
I wonder if I’m going to become homeless and how it’s going to happen. I wonder if my gender affirming hysterectomy is going to go through, or if people are going to do that comply-in-advance thing. I wonder if I’ll be able to get a job that pays enough for a disabled person to live after I manage to complete school. I was worried about all of this under Biden, though. More people died of COVID under Biden than Trump; more Palestinians died under Biden than Trump. It won’t be better now, don’t get me wrong, but it was an illusion that things were ever truly okay. That’s where I’m at right now.
I’m not gonna lie, I laughed at “there’s coffee to brew and cats to pet.” It is randomly my birthday today and I truly don’t know what to feel!! Prescriptive election commentary is universally making me cringe/get mad, and (what I consider to be) accurate analysis of our historical moment can’t actually offer a way forward other than keep doing the work we were doing last week. It’s brutal. Nobody has the answers.