I was up until 4am this morning and ended up missing my first class of the day. I’m not viscerally upset - I expected this - but I’m trying to get myself up and ready for my next class and an event tonight. I’m trying to have patience and empathy for the big reactions from people in my life who are more insulated from bad effects from this upcoming presidency than others I know, including myself. Everyone needs space for their feelings, but sometimes, seeing your more privileged, more socially powerful friends have a meltdown is disheartening.
I wonder if I’m going to become homeless and how it’s going to happen. I wonder if my gender affirming hysterectomy is going to go through, or if people are going to do that comply-in-advance thing. I wonder if I’ll be able to get a job that pays enough for a disabled person to live after I manage to complete school. I was worried about all of this under Biden, though. More people died of COVID under Biden than Trump; more Palestinians died under Biden than Trump. It won’t be better now, don’t get me wrong, but it was an illusion that things were ever truly okay. That’s where I’m at right now.
This is about where I'm at too. Exhausted and scared but not for the same reasons as many in my circles, who are more privileged and therefore more insulated and are struggling bc they were excited about a first female president. Hard and weird to be like, we're not the same right now
I’m not gonna lie, I laughed at “there’s coffee to brew and cats to pet.” It is randomly my birthday today and I truly don’t know what to feel!! Prescriptive election commentary is universally making me cringe/get mad, and (what I consider to be) accurate analysis of our historical moment can’t actually offer a way forward other than keep doing the work we were doing last week. It’s brutal. Nobody has the answers.
Happy birthday, Julia! I am also a November baby. I keep thinking about the early days of the pandemic and all the mutual aid people were doing and how that gave me a lot of hope...but yeah, no words or answers really
Happy birthday, internet stranger. That can be loaded for me to receive even in a "normal" year but -- i hope you feel seen and celebrated soon. Your point about no words or answers makes me think of Octavia Butler's point about how there's no one silver bullet solution. There is no quick fix.
had to log off instagram as soon as i saw a white gay dude posting "this is what america deserves since we elected him" - um okay but what about the millions of us who did not do that.......
Hmmm, I woke up at 6:30, said oh fucking hell, the fuck. and then made coffee and took a forest walk outside of my apartment. I work in a big *government research institute* in the DMV area, and my friends and I have worked so hard to make the work environment less shitty and abusive for marginalized scientists through initiatives and our union and work with affinity groups. And I am grateful to have a job and healthcare, but I feel like a lot of that work is going to be washed away. Like you, I am like blahhh I don’t want to hear the positivity, but it is so important. So, maybe after today, I will be able to receive that more and see the bigger picture. But for now, f*ck the government.
Stayed up and then figured I’d just check in my EU morning and was not surprised but very sad. Then went on Instagram, where people in my queer community had many stories about collective liberation and harm reduction, except no one cares about Covid. Every ism but ableism being named as something to fight amid an ongoing pandemic that is killing and disabling us has added another layer of existential ick to it all.
Right here with you friend, dreading them cutting funding for vaccines & stopping R&D on sterilizing vaccines and LC clinics. Fucking hell, I can't believe the ableism is gonna get worse. Gonna step up my involvement with the local mask bloc but fuck I'm just tired.
My dog is psychic. Last week she ate rancid grease, gravel, and really sharp spruce needles that poked the inside of her gut, almost killed her, and cost me all my remaining sanity and soooo much money to fix. What could better symbolize the dawn of this new era than that?
Oh my god, she had the blockage surgery that costs like $8000?? I'm so sorry. Jesus!! A few summers ago Louis ate a corn cob and we thought he might need that, but luckily he was able to pass it after a few days. And then of course, he swallowed a bottle of Vitamin D supplements and needed an $800 vomit-induction and special diet.
No LUCKILY she didn't have a blockage, just 10+ days of constant diarrhea where I had to get up at all hours of the night and she was slowly dying of dehydration bc no one would help me. I had to teach myself to give her fluid enemas to keep her going! The emergency clinic didn't send me home with any meds like they were supposed to and the front desk at my regular vet wouldn't let me have an appointment...finally my regular vet treated her correctly yesterday and said he was sorry that happened and they should have seen me last week and he talked to the front desk person...so victory I guess?
Thanks for opening up this space Maddy. 💚 I keep wavering between wanting to stare at my phone to watch everything happen/consume all the news I missed while sleeping vs. throwing my phone into the sea vs. also wanting to hang onto my phone to be in constant contact with friends and comrades today. 😓
I woke up at 3:00 this morning, saw that he won and immediately rewatched John Oliver's episode about prop 2025. Then my wife and I discussed what was good in the world like how I was alive to see my NFL team, the Philadelphia Eagles, win a championship which I thought would never happen to be honest with you. And then I went to indulge and also make myself feel better and bought us some cupcakes from a place I love and there was a white lady with a Trump hat on in there. I said congratulations to her. I don't think she knew what I was talking about because she said thank you very happily before she turned around to see that I was a black woman. And then she bought my drink foe me. I did not thank her. I just bought some cupcakes and when the workers asked me how my day was going to go, I said I don't know I guess I'll go home and watch Kamala give her a concession speech. But the drink was very good lol!
I'm in Philly too and woke up randomly at 3-ish, too, like something in my body just knew. Checked the results and saw PA had been called for Trump and then of course had the worst time falling back asleep.
I’ve been oscillating between feeling grumpy and numb. I hate all of the varying Instagram posts about how we only have each other and the fight continues and now is the time to commit to xyz. They’re not actually bad but they feel very empty and not reassuring. But on the other hand I know that I’m pretty privileged and it’s not helpful for me to feel annoyed by those.
I honestly wish I'd gotten out of bed when I woke up around 6 but alas I did not so my day's starting at noon and I am trying to give myself grace and kudos for that. I'm struggling with more privileged/more detached from reality takes that are "shocked or sad this could happen" (? Babe america was built on slavery and fascism has already been on the rise on the left and right?? We have not been okay and you'll be pretty fine with your house you own!!!!) and with the fact that those folks will be less impacted than me. I need community but am struggling to find it. I was super stressed already this week because I had to pay rent so its hard to even discern the causes of all of my distress. But the dog's been let out and tried to eat a chicken bone i then had to pull from his throat so... Typical Wednesday in many ways
I always say that my dog, Louis, checks my bank account and decides to get rack up a vet bill to eat up all my money. Sending you a warm wish for community and some more concrete, satisfying discourse.
mostly crying, reading "reasons to survive november" by tony hoagland over and over again.
dumb queer advice question:
someone i barely knew ten years ago sort of reappeared in my life after finding me (?? a truly barebones profile) on lex. i gave it a shot and we hung out a couple times, as they're interested in rope and kink, and so i shared resources, etc. i have been very clear i do not identify as "sapphic" and am firmly bisexual/queer, and they have said several problematic things i have immediately pushed and clapped back at them on. im getting big "i opened my marriage vibe and now im ghaaaay so where the gays at" vibes, and i'm old and tired, and have pretty explicitly told them im uninterested in being their kink gateway (asked me to rope rig them literally within hours of us hanging), and responded to texts trying to shut down more chatting/hangs. i know the answer but do i have to tell this person i'm just not interested in being friends? i feel sort of bad, because people want queer community, but we are queers of different stripes, and frankly i do not have much in common with them (no, i dont want to go to sapphic dance parties, no i cannot go to these meetups, no i do not want to join your affinity lex groups, etc etc).
also pet your dogs and thank you for sending this out today.
I think you need to send a kind, yet firm text where you say, “I’m not interested in being friends” and address their entitlement to butches and transphobic comments like you’re talking to a baby. I made this friend my last year of grad school who I thought was so cool and funny, but then we both graduated and lost touch for normal life reasons. A few years later, they sent me a long, whackadoodle text about how they didn’t believe transwomen should be in “women’s spaces.” They accused me of ghosting them and implied that I had like, enabled them to be trans when we were hanging out?? It stands as the most wild text I’ve ever received in my life—so jarring that this person I had such warm feelings for and would have hung out with in a heartbeat felt so much hostility for me/was stewing about me for years. I wrote them a MEAN response and I really regret not taking the chance to be like, “Hey I’m sorry you’re hurting. I don’t think I’m the person you’re mad at right now and neither are transwomen.” Because ultimately, telling them to fuck off just made me feel worse and maybe I could have helped them do better or thrown them a flotation device? Maybe??
There are multiple questions in my submissions folder rn concerning a close friend’s partner who is annoying and/or a creepy man, and they are wondering if a formal declaration of “I don’t want to spend time with you anymore” is needed. It’s hard because in an ideal world, you could just regulate someone to a hi/bye friendship. There are so many varieties of friendly aquintance which is great because not everyone is a connection —there are different ways to be queer, some queer people are super annoying, it can be difficult to connect with people who are very recently out when you are a crusty old sea dyke/queer—but sometimes a person is just so insistent not catching your drift, or they are dating your friend, and you do just have to be upfront or else lose your mind!!
This is so relatable :'( - I would totally send a kind text along the lines of, "happy for you exploring this new side of yourself. I appreciate the invites but I don't have room on my plate for more people these days. Wishing you the best, have fun n be safe"
It's interesting, I moved last year and have been trying to grow my queer community but damn, I keep meeting much younger people who are a little too intense/black-and-white-thinking for my vibe. Manifesting my nihilistic but still chill wizened coven. Way to know your own capacity friend!
ps problematic things were actually wildly fucking transphobic, and they seem to have a chaser thing for "butches" but only the ones they like, which, fine! but don't talk to me about it, i guess.
I’m not The OG Advice Giver, but I just read this & can’t help but say yikes, get away from that mess! Just because you have some vague connection from years ago and are both LGBTQ+ doesn’t mean you need to personally shepherd this person through their messy awakening. Run, don’t walk, imo.
I'm increasingly in touch with an ex from this summer (we dated a year and named the possibility of marriage). They have been coming in clutch for me this week while I've had the flu and then tonsillitis and was too delirious to figure out how to install doordash. The thing is, showing up with the groceries I asked for is completely new behavior. While we dated, anything they offered was 80% likely to never happen and the remaining ways it did happen lacked the central important part of the thing in the first place (as one example: volunteering to cook dinner, then pivoting to takeout -- which usually doesn't meet my dietary needs // another, insisting they would return some of my stuff before I left on a big trip and just...not doing it). Yet they kept overpromising, for many things I never even asked for but then was disappointed not to receive. They struggle with executive function, mental health and trauma (like most of the queers I know), and while I have empathy for that I also have limits.
So my question is, how close is safe for me to allow this person back into my life? Is it reasonable to have a friendship with someone where you just...never expect them to do what they say they will, while still allowing for the possibility that they are evolving? What are my other options for how to relate to them? And how do I keep from ever sharing my (admittedly judgy) perspective that it was irresponsible for them to get a dog post-breakup?
I mean the thing about letting someone back into your life post-breakup, even as a friend, is that there was a reason you broke up. And to be friends with someone who is flaky and struggles with follow-through, you have to accept that they are the way they are and not have expectations for them--which depending on how you define friendship, might not be a friendship for you. Does that make sense? I can tell from this question that your ex just gets your goat in a way that isn't a good foundation for any kind of relationship. It also strikes me that not a lot of time has passed between this serious relationship ending and now, so you might still be kinda sore. It's great that they are showing up for you in this moment, but I would pause and reassess once more time has passed.
-I've never met an irresponsible dog-owner who reacted well to being told that they're an irresponsible dog-owner.
-sometimes people who are 90% flaky can also really do you a solid every once in a while. It usually doesn't mean that they've fundamentally changed, it just means that the circumstances lined up right with your needs and their capacity. Appreciate it as the windfall that it is and hopefully let it reduce some of the bitterness that may have been lingering over past disappointments, but don't expect it to be the new norm.
I was up until 4am this morning and ended up missing my first class of the day. I’m not viscerally upset - I expected this - but I’m trying to get myself up and ready for my next class and an event tonight. I’m trying to have patience and empathy for the big reactions from people in my life who are more insulated from bad effects from this upcoming presidency than others I know, including myself. Everyone needs space for their feelings, but sometimes, seeing your more privileged, more socially powerful friends have a meltdown is disheartening.
I wonder if I’m going to become homeless and how it’s going to happen. I wonder if my gender affirming hysterectomy is going to go through, or if people are going to do that comply-in-advance thing. I wonder if I’ll be able to get a job that pays enough for a disabled person to live after I manage to complete school. I was worried about all of this under Biden, though. More people died of COVID under Biden than Trump; more Palestinians died under Biden than Trump. It won’t be better now, don’t get me wrong, but it was an illusion that things were ever truly okay. That’s where I’m at right now.
This is about where I'm at too. Exhausted and scared but not for the same reasons as many in my circles, who are more privileged and therefore more insulated and are struggling bc they were excited about a first female president. Hard and weird to be like, we're not the same right now
Thank you for sharing this. Sending love and heart <3
Same to you! Keeping you and your girlfriend and your dogs in my thoughts. Stay safe.
I’m not gonna lie, I laughed at “there’s coffee to brew and cats to pet.” It is randomly my birthday today and I truly don’t know what to feel!! Prescriptive election commentary is universally making me cringe/get mad, and (what I consider to be) accurate analysis of our historical moment can’t actually offer a way forward other than keep doing the work we were doing last week. It’s brutal. Nobody has the answers.
Happy birthday, Julia! I am also a November baby. I keep thinking about the early days of the pandemic and all the mutual aid people were doing and how that gave me a lot of hope...but yeah, no words or answers really
(And by the work we were doing last week I mean like direct action and mutual aid, not get out the vote, lol.)
Happy birthday, internet stranger. That can be loaded for me to receive even in a "normal" year but -- i hope you feel seen and celebrated soon. Your point about no words or answers makes me think of Octavia Butler's point about how there's no one silver bullet solution. There is no quick fix.
"Instead there are thousands of answers–at least. You can be one of them if you choose to be"
Thank you katalyn <3
had to log off instagram as soon as i saw a white gay dude posting "this is what america deserves since we elected him" - um okay but what about the millions of us who did not do that.......
Happy national hug your dog day. I made it up but let's do it.
DEAL
Hmmm, I woke up at 6:30, said oh fucking hell, the fuck. and then made coffee and took a forest walk outside of my apartment. I work in a big *government research institute* in the DMV area, and my friends and I have worked so hard to make the work environment less shitty and abusive for marginalized scientists through initiatives and our union and work with affinity groups. And I am grateful to have a job and healthcare, but I feel like a lot of that work is going to be washed away. Like you, I am like blahhh I don’t want to hear the positivity, but it is so important. So, maybe after today, I will be able to receive that more and see the bigger picture. But for now, f*ck the government.
Stayed up and then figured I’d just check in my EU morning and was not surprised but very sad. Then went on Instagram, where people in my queer community had many stories about collective liberation and harm reduction, except no one cares about Covid. Every ism but ableism being named as something to fight amid an ongoing pandemic that is killing and disabling us has added another layer of existential ick to it all.
Same same same same
Right here with you friend, dreading them cutting funding for vaccines & stopping R&D on sterilizing vaccines and LC clinics. Fucking hell, I can't believe the ableism is gonna get worse. Gonna step up my involvement with the local mask bloc but fuck I'm just tired.
Sending solidarity.
we just kept telling our dogs they’re so lucky to not know what a president is
My dog is psychic. Last week she ate rancid grease, gravel, and really sharp spruce needles that poked the inside of her gut, almost killed her, and cost me all my remaining sanity and soooo much money to fix. What could better symbolize the dawn of this new era than that?
Oh my god, she had the blockage surgery that costs like $8000?? I'm so sorry. Jesus!! A few summers ago Louis ate a corn cob and we thought he might need that, but luckily he was able to pass it after a few days. And then of course, he swallowed a bottle of Vitamin D supplements and needed an $800 vomit-induction and special diet.
No LUCKILY she didn't have a blockage, just 10+ days of constant diarrhea where I had to get up at all hours of the night and she was slowly dying of dehydration bc no one would help me. I had to teach myself to give her fluid enemas to keep her going! The emergency clinic didn't send me home with any meds like they were supposed to and the front desk at my regular vet wouldn't let me have an appointment...finally my regular vet treated her correctly yesterday and said he was sorry that happened and they should have seen me last week and he talked to the front desk person...so victory I guess?
I'm so happy she's okay! If this happened to me, I run the front desk person over with my car lol...just kiddding...I would just IMAGINE doing it
Thanks for opening up this space Maddy. 💚 I keep wavering between wanting to stare at my phone to watch everything happen/consume all the news I missed while sleeping vs. throwing my phone into the sea vs. also wanting to hang onto my phone to be in constant contact with friends and comrades today. 😓
I woke up at 3:00 this morning, saw that he won and immediately rewatched John Oliver's episode about prop 2025. Then my wife and I discussed what was good in the world like how I was alive to see my NFL team, the Philadelphia Eagles, win a championship which I thought would never happen to be honest with you. And then I went to indulge and also make myself feel better and bought us some cupcakes from a place I love and there was a white lady with a Trump hat on in there. I said congratulations to her. I don't think she knew what I was talking about because she said thank you very happily before she turned around to see that I was a black woman. And then she bought my drink foe me. I did not thank her. I just bought some cupcakes and when the workers asked me how my day was going to go, I said I don't know I guess I'll go home and watch Kamala give her a concession speech. But the drink was very good lol!
I'm in Philly too and woke up randomly at 3-ish, too, like something in my body just knew. Checked the results and saw PA had been called for Trump and then of course had the worst time falling back asleep.
I’ve been oscillating between feeling grumpy and numb. I hate all of the varying Instagram posts about how we only have each other and the fight continues and now is the time to commit to xyz. They’re not actually bad but they feel very empty and not reassuring. But on the other hand I know that I’m pretty privileged and it’s not helpful for me to feel annoyed by those.
I honestly wish I'd gotten out of bed when I woke up around 6 but alas I did not so my day's starting at noon and I am trying to give myself grace and kudos for that. I'm struggling with more privileged/more detached from reality takes that are "shocked or sad this could happen" (? Babe america was built on slavery and fascism has already been on the rise on the left and right?? We have not been okay and you'll be pretty fine with your house you own!!!!) and with the fact that those folks will be less impacted than me. I need community but am struggling to find it. I was super stressed already this week because I had to pay rent so its hard to even discern the causes of all of my distress. But the dog's been let out and tried to eat a chicken bone i then had to pull from his throat so... Typical Wednesday in many ways
I always say that my dog, Louis, checks my bank account and decides to get rack up a vet bill to eat up all my money. Sending you a warm wish for community and some more concrete, satisfying discourse.
My grandma died this morning and I keep thinking to myself "Trump Killed my Grandma."
I'm really sorry, Al. I hope you're able to be with your loved ones at this time and share memories of her <3
I am so so sorry for your loss
mostly crying, reading "reasons to survive november" by tony hoagland over and over again.
dumb queer advice question:
someone i barely knew ten years ago sort of reappeared in my life after finding me (?? a truly barebones profile) on lex. i gave it a shot and we hung out a couple times, as they're interested in rope and kink, and so i shared resources, etc. i have been very clear i do not identify as "sapphic" and am firmly bisexual/queer, and they have said several problematic things i have immediately pushed and clapped back at them on. im getting big "i opened my marriage vibe and now im ghaaaay so where the gays at" vibes, and i'm old and tired, and have pretty explicitly told them im uninterested in being their kink gateway (asked me to rope rig them literally within hours of us hanging), and responded to texts trying to shut down more chatting/hangs. i know the answer but do i have to tell this person i'm just not interested in being friends? i feel sort of bad, because people want queer community, but we are queers of different stripes, and frankly i do not have much in common with them (no, i dont want to go to sapphic dance parties, no i cannot go to these meetups, no i do not want to join your affinity lex groups, etc etc).
also pet your dogs and thank you for sending this out today.
I think you need to send a kind, yet firm text where you say, “I’m not interested in being friends” and address their entitlement to butches and transphobic comments like you’re talking to a baby. I made this friend my last year of grad school who I thought was so cool and funny, but then we both graduated and lost touch for normal life reasons. A few years later, they sent me a long, whackadoodle text about how they didn’t believe transwomen should be in “women’s spaces.” They accused me of ghosting them and implied that I had like, enabled them to be trans when we were hanging out?? It stands as the most wild text I’ve ever received in my life—so jarring that this person I had such warm feelings for and would have hung out with in a heartbeat felt so much hostility for me/was stewing about me for years. I wrote them a MEAN response and I really regret not taking the chance to be like, “Hey I’m sorry you’re hurting. I don’t think I’m the person you’re mad at right now and neither are transwomen.” Because ultimately, telling them to fuck off just made me feel worse and maybe I could have helped them do better or thrown them a flotation device? Maybe??
There are multiple questions in my submissions folder rn concerning a close friend’s partner who is annoying and/or a creepy man, and they are wondering if a formal declaration of “I don’t want to spend time with you anymore” is needed. It’s hard because in an ideal world, you could just regulate someone to a hi/bye friendship. There are so many varieties of friendly aquintance which is great because not everyone is a connection —there are different ways to be queer, some queer people are super annoying, it can be difficult to connect with people who are very recently out when you are a crusty old sea dyke/queer—but sometimes a person is just so insistent not catching your drift, or they are dating your friend, and you do just have to be upfront or else lose your mind!!
thank you maddy, for all you do! and also for this. plus like, fuck all, truly dont have time for any of this shit now so best to get on with it.
This is so relatable :'( - I would totally send a kind text along the lines of, "happy for you exploring this new side of yourself. I appreciate the invites but I don't have room on my plate for more people these days. Wishing you the best, have fun n be safe"
It's interesting, I moved last year and have been trying to grow my queer community but damn, I keep meeting much younger people who are a little too intense/black-and-white-thinking for my vibe. Manifesting my nihilistic but still chill wizened coven. Way to know your own capacity friend!
ps problematic things were actually wildly fucking transphobic, and they seem to have a chaser thing for "butches" but only the ones they like, which, fine! but don't talk to me about it, i guess.
I’m not The OG Advice Giver, but I just read this & can’t help but say yikes, get away from that mess! Just because you have some vague connection from years ago and are both LGBTQ+ doesn’t mean you need to personally shepherd this person through their messy awakening. Run, don’t walk, imo.
Appreciate this space! Here's a queery:
I'm increasingly in touch with an ex from this summer (we dated a year and named the possibility of marriage). They have been coming in clutch for me this week while I've had the flu and then tonsillitis and was too delirious to figure out how to install doordash. The thing is, showing up with the groceries I asked for is completely new behavior. While we dated, anything they offered was 80% likely to never happen and the remaining ways it did happen lacked the central important part of the thing in the first place (as one example: volunteering to cook dinner, then pivoting to takeout -- which usually doesn't meet my dietary needs // another, insisting they would return some of my stuff before I left on a big trip and just...not doing it). Yet they kept overpromising, for many things I never even asked for but then was disappointed not to receive. They struggle with executive function, mental health and trauma (like most of the queers I know), and while I have empathy for that I also have limits.
So my question is, how close is safe for me to allow this person back into my life? Is it reasonable to have a friendship with someone where you just...never expect them to do what they say they will, while still allowing for the possibility that they are evolving? What are my other options for how to relate to them? And how do I keep from ever sharing my (admittedly judgy) perspective that it was irresponsible for them to get a dog post-breakup?
I mean the thing about letting someone back into your life post-breakup, even as a friend, is that there was a reason you broke up. And to be friends with someone who is flaky and struggles with follow-through, you have to accept that they are the way they are and not have expectations for them--which depending on how you define friendship, might not be a friendship for you. Does that make sense? I can tell from this question that your ex just gets your goat in a way that isn't a good foundation for any kind of relationship. It also strikes me that not a lot of time has passed between this serious relationship ending and now, so you might still be kinda sore. It's great that they are showing up for you in this moment, but I would pause and reassess once more time has passed.
I'm not Maddy, but I'll gladly weigh in!
-I've never met an irresponsible dog-owner who reacted well to being told that they're an irresponsible dog-owner.
-sometimes people who are 90% flaky can also really do you a solid every once in a while. It usually doesn't mean that they've fundamentally changed, it just means that the circumstances lined up right with your needs and their capacity. Appreciate it as the windfall that it is and hopefully let it reduce some of the bitterness that may have been lingering over past disappointments, but don't expect it to be the new norm.