queer advice #104: the incident
"I began dating my first girlfriend when I was 24 and she was 32..."
Hey! Here’s a new advice column for your Wednesday. If you’re new to this newsletter, queer advice is a reoccurring feature where I answer questions about love, loss, and life from confused gay people. Today’s question is from someone who’s struggling to maintain a friendship with their ex-girlfriend after an “incident“ with a dog. For other queer advice columns that feature dog-based dyke drama, see also:
Just a reminder that each of these newsletters take many days of sustained, gay labor for me to get exactly right. If you’ve been thinking of supporting this work as a paid subscriber, yearly subscriptions are 30% from now until the end of June as a “Pride month came early” kinda deal. Also makes a great gift!!
Send me a question if you’re nasty. xoxo, Maddy
I began dating my first girlfriend, Shelley, when I was 24 and she was 32. We had a pretty good relationship overall, but it was riddled with incompatibilities that were laid bare by COVID lockdown. In a nutshell, we didn't want the same things out of the future, or out of life in general. I ended things in late 2020, after 4.5 years together. We agreed to stay friends, but the first year after the break up was rough, with Shelley regularly asking to get back together (or hook up). I suggested more than once that we take a break from talking, to give her time to heal, but Shelley refused and I didn't feel like I could push it. Things got better once she started dating again, though, and I was under the impression that she'd moved on.
I moved back in with Shelley for a few months in the summer/fall of 2022, at her suggestion, to save money and figure out my next move. We were both dating/sleeping with other people by this point, and quite open with one another about it. It seemed like we'd transitioned comfortably into roommate territory. Then, a week after I moved back out, something happened that seems to have significantly changed our dynamic.