queer advice #40: holiday with an ex
Hey! Here’s another queer advice column for you. My last column was about lesbian identity and TERFs, amongst other things. If you missed it, read it here. If you missed the ones before that—”I have a crush on my hot butch roommate” and ”how much sacrifice is too much?”—read them here and here.
If you have a question or a gay problem, send it my way whenever. I’m running dangerously low on questions at the moment.
xoxo, Maddy
I have a bit of a conundrum. I recently ended a very intense, passionate 4 month love affair with a person who didn't treat me very well. They were incredibly self absorbed and the longer we were together the more I realised that most conversations and activities revolved around them. They would rarely ask me questions about my life and then would comment that I talked a lot and that I was highly emotional in comparison to them. I felt silenced and small in the lack of reciprocacy. It got worse when they moved to another country and we did long distance.
Anyway, I now know (through therapy and friendship dmcs) it was really unhealthy and bad for my self esteem and menty health. I tried to end it a couple of weeks ago and they claimed that they would change, by the end of the convo I was too tired to end it. I then realised that I was emotional checked out and so ended it on the phone last week. I am relieved and my intuition knows it was right.
However, we have a (already paid for) holiday booked to an island in 2 weeks time for a week. In the break up convo said that they can't go alone and that it would be a nice last goodbye, as we live in different countries now and both of us aren't keen on friendships with exes (at least for a while). Ending it on the phone seemed like a bad way to end it. They said that in the week after the first breakup attempt they didn't feel 'safe' and in control in the relationship and so need to feel 'safe' in us going on holiday together. Therefore, if I decided to go I can't back out and when I asked for a day to think they reacted badly. They are very charming and convincing and so I agreed that it would be a nice last time together.
All of my friends are understandably concerned as I don't usually make messy decisions like this. Like I know it is messy, but I feel like, because I am checked out it will be fine to go. Also it is paid for and its a really nice destination. I know I don't want this relationship and anyway, the distance makes it a no go for me. I think it's likely we will have a romantic time and will almost certainly have sex, but I think after the week is done, I will be ready to leave it all behind. I've told my family members about their controlling tendencies and issues we've had, so it feels like no going back, beyond the fact that I know I really don't want this. I really feel secure in not getting back together but my friends are worried that they will be charming/manipulative and convince me to give them another chance.
Do you think it's possible to go on holiday with your ex?
Ms Messy Debutante, 26
A cautionary tale: I once dated someone in their 30s who acted like a huffy middle schooler. They were moody and judgmental. If they were having a bad day, they would lash out at me and tear me down.