queer advice #41: attractionless poly marriage with a cis man
"How do I respond when a friend keeps hitting on my monogamous partner?"
Hey! Here’s a new queer advice column. In my last column, I answered a question from someone contemplating going on vacation with their bad ex. The one before was about lesbian identity and TERFs. If you missed it, read it here. If you missed the one before that and the one before the one before—”I have a crush on my hot butch roommate” and ”how much sacrifice is too much?”—read them here and here.
If you have a question or a gay problem, send it my way whenever. I’m running low on questions. I NEED your problems!
xoxo,
Maddy
I’m new to the queer community, and the blurred lines between friendship and romance are new to me. How do I respond when a friend keeps hitting on my monogamous partner?
I am a late bloomer and came out as queer this year - I met my amazing partner (M) through a mutual friend (P). P is also a late bloomer - she is pretty culturally straight and is in an attractionless poly marriage with a cis man. M and I are monogamous and super in love.
Since M and I started dating, P has made some jealous comments to them, saying it upsets her to see us together because she “used to” have a crush on M, and talking wistfully about “what could have been” and the “passion” they could have had. P did not tell me any of this, but M is very transparent, so they showed me the texts and have been very boundaried in their friendship with P since then. I am ok with people having their feelings, but it weirds me out that she’s pouring her heart out to M about it and saying nothing to me. P also talks to me openly about new people she’s dating and how those relationships are progressing, but apparently never says a word to M about dating.
In terms of my relationship with M, I trust them completely and their handling of this situation has only increased that trust. But my friendship with P… I’m honestly hurt that they would try to covertly go after my partner like this. I know there can be more overlap of friendship, crushes, exes etc in the queer world, but this feels extra weird since P is recently out and mostly lives in straight culture (where in my experience this would be a big red flag for a friend).
Is this just how queer community drama works and I need to get used to it? Is this some messy late bloomer shit where someone just hasn't gotten their middle school feelings out yet? Is there some way I should confront it? I feel like P is just really unhappy and I deeply feel for her, but it's hard to have a friendship when I don't trust her to be honest with me or herself.
Perplexed Late Bloomer, 37
The dynamic you’re describing isn’t normal for queer friendships, either! Queer people do tend to date their friends and remain close with their exes, but what’s happening here is just P lacking boundaries. The difference between queer and straight culture you’re describing, I think, is that if you were a straight woman and your friend was sneakily pursuing your boyfriend, the entire world would validate your hurt feelings. You would be encouraged to write P off as a bad friend and ban your partner from speaking to her. There would be an entire script for you to follow—think about all the movies where the heroine’s boyfriend runs away with her best friend. It’s the ultimate betrayal!!
In queer communities, especially for lesbians and the dyke-adjacent, there’s a big emphasis on open communication and minimizing conflict. As a cultural lesbian, I totally agree with your assessment that there’s nothing wrong with feelings. P is not a bad person for liking your partner! Your partner is not an asset that can be “stolen” from you. But it does suck to be on the receiving end of someone’s unresolved feelings, or discover that there’s a weird secret in the way of your friendship (it’s deeply odd that P doesn’t know you know about the texts. You and M are in a serious relationship, of course they are going to show you the texts). I guess I’m wondering what polyamory means to P? Polyamory is about corset workshops and direct communication, not being jealous of a friend’s relationship. (You’re probably right that P is unhappy and experiencing some big, confusing feelings. It sucks to have unrequited feelings for anyone, let alone a friend! I literally cannot imagine being in an “attractionless poly marriage with a cis man.“ The very words give me CHILLS.)
There are some missing details here that feel essential to understanding the situation. When your partner told P that it’s not “like that,“ did they have a real, brass tacks conversation? Did P understand? Sometimes queer people think they’re communicating directly, when really they’re being opaque as hell and providing nothing but subtext. If P has a big crush on M, she might be hearing what she wants to hear and not what M is actually saying. It’s up to M to be direct. If they were direct and P is STILL sending them sad, horny texts, then that feels more severe. I would feel a little more wary of P.
It all boils down to is this: your friend did something hurtful and now things between you are weird. While I know what it’s like to look at a relationship and feel unwillingly to expend any more time or energy on it, the mature/adult/compassionate thing is to talk to her. I would approach it like clearing the air, not calling her out. Your relationship is not threatened at all, so there’s no need to be defensive. You can even pull from your question e.g. “it's hard to have a friendship when I don't trust her you to be honest with me or herself yourself.“ Hopefully you’ll both be able to move forward and understand each other a little more.