Queer Advice #68: settling with Brad
"It was like my repressed sapphic high-schooler got to finally breathe, and it was giddying."
It’s Sunday and I’m back with a new queer advice column. Today’s question is from a bisexual in an open relationship with a man named Brad. She’s struggling to get over Angela, an avoidant, faraway woman she met online.
If you’re new to this newsletter or catching up after a break, there have been so many good questions lately!! Check out: ”I'm a 33-year-old dirty slut who loves to be alone and go to bed at 10 pm” and "It's so rare that I find someone that I'm interested in, and when I do, it's never great." If you’re gay and have a problem of your own, send it my way :)
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xoxo, Maddy
I have several problems. One, I was dumped about a month ago by the first woman I have dated, Angela, who was previously my online bff. Two, I am struggling with internalized biphobia and guilt over fitting some of the "bad bisexual" stereotypes. And three, confusion and guilt about my healthy and happy non-monogamous relationship with a man.
Brad and I have been together for about two years and living together for a few months, and it is going wonderfully. I feel safe and secure, we communicate well, have similar values, good chemistry, and have fun together. But there is some part of me that wonders if I am "settling" by nesting with a man, and then another part that feels it is awful to Brad to consider that. Then yet another part is afraid I might be horribly deluded and that queer people will see me as yet another bi woman in a relationship with a contemptibly awful man. Another person wrote to you about "bisexual FOMO," and I really related to that term. I feel it is holding me back from being content in my relationship.
I think that internalized biphobia is in some part fueling this fear and guilt. I definitely fear judgment for being the "greedy bisexual who can't be monogamous." I decided on non-monogamy as the dating framework that best fit my values in my early 20s, before I realized I was bi and before I had ever even dated anyone, but I can't seem to fully give myself permission to date multiple people.
I think I take my guilt as a sign that I am in fact doing something wrong, and I search intensely for proof that I really am bad.
Angela and I met in a fandom space and had an internet friendship for several years, then a cross-state relationship for a few months (with several in-person visits), before she broke things off. The breakup wasn't too surprising and I probably should have ended things sooner myself, but I was too busy clinging to hope.
We had some major incompatibilities--she wasn't sure about non-monogamy whereas I am a committed non-monogamist, she was younger and confused about her sexuality, the distance, etc. But we shared common interests and a sense of humor, and she made me feel like a teenager again. It was like my repressed sapphic high-schooler got to finally breathe, and it was giddying.
It was always going to end, because she had an avoidant streak that made her shy away from serious relationship conversations, and I got the distinct feeling (going armchair psychologist for a second) that she would like me better if I was more hot and cold and less available. Nevertheless, it hurt like hell and I still miss her.
For my own sanity I asked for no-contact for a month, and though the month has long since passed and I am tempted to reengage and try to be friends, every time I think about texting her I decide I probably still miss her a bit too much for it to be wise. Maybe I also feel a little bitter and prideful too.
Brad was supportive of my relationship with Angela and seemed genuinely happy for me. That didn't stop me from feeling guilty for being so excited about my relationship with Angela, and now I feel guilty that I am not over the breakup yet. I feel guilty and like I am being unfair to Brad every time I bring her up, even though he has an entire second girlfriend who he has been dating the entire time we were together, and who I occasionally listen to him vent about, and he has never complained that I bring up Angela too much. It seems ridiculous when I frame it that way, but I can't shake this guilt. I am finding it much harder to deal with my own fears that I am treating my partner unfairly by being interested in other people than I ever struggled with jealousy over partners' relationships.
Having finally dated and had sex with a woman, in some ways I feel more secure in my bisexuality than before, but in other ways I am still as confused as ever (not to mention sometimes guilty for being confused, because of the whole bi stereotypes thing again). I can't help but notice the parallels between Angela losing interest in me when I showed up consistently in our relationship, and my own fears that I am settling with Brad, who is clearly super into me and treats me consistently well. I know this parallel is probably a sign to work on my relationship to myself.
But also, I miss Angela a lot! I miss texting and trading memes all day, and I miss hanging out in our shared corner of the internet. In some ways this long-distance breakup is easier than non-LDR breakups, but in other ways it is harder. For example, there are no shared physical spaces to avoid, but the online space that was my lifeline during the peak years of the pandemic is no longer comfortable. Now that it's been more than a month of no contact, I have browsed the apps a bit, but it feels like I am looking for someone to fill an Angela-shaped hole more than I am truly open to connecting. It was genuinely fulfilling to me to have, like, a romantic pen-pal...but I feel I can't expect the women I meet to be interested in that kind of thing.
I don't know, it feels like I am a whole ball of confusion and easily devolve into infinite ruminating comparisons of past partners. When I am able to stay in the present moment I can simply enjoy my relationship for what it is, but fears and fantasies often intrude. Because things are so great with Brad, it feels greedy to want more and like I don't deserve sympathy for my broken heart about Angela. I still haven't told many of my friends about the breakup.
Sample of the ruminating comparisons: I was very into sex with Angela and also with Brad, so I have that to hold onto when I start to doubt my sexual orientation, but then I go down the path of questioning things romantically. I did romantic things for Angela that I had never done before and which felt deeply satisfying--I even wrote poetry...but then I can also remember writing poems about boys when I was in high school. And she was the first person I've dated who I was such close friends with first, so maybe it isn't about gender. But then again, I felt all glowy and romantic about Brad, but it lasted a very short time before it settled into a more comfortable warm feeling, whereas Angela I was burning up for over a few months.
Anyway, I've said so much I'm sure you're going to have to edit it down and haven't even asked any questions, so I'll try to sum up:
1. Do you have advice on how to get over my long-distance, extremely online breakup, and do you think I can have my internet bestie back someday?
2. How can I stop feeling so guilty about basically all aspects of how I approach relationships?
3. Any general advice about my situation as an outside observer--is there some really obvious way I am fucking up?
Broken-Hearted Bad Bisexual, 32
I get so many questions from women who are in serious, long-term relationships with men and are absolutely unravelling over a woman, so please understand that the way you’re feeling is normal and almost everyone reading has been existentially bulldozed by a formative gay relationship. Welcome.