Queer Advice #70: almost perfect
"she hates the 'lesbian haircut' and tells me not to have it..."
Hello mental health lesbians, Halloween-oriented queer folk, and casual readers. I’m back with a new queer advice column. This question is from someone in an “almost perfect“ relationship with someone who has, uh, issues. It’s been at least a month since I told a lesbian to break up with her girlfriend, so here we are.
If you missed my last queer advice column, a text from hell, go read it now. You should also check out: ”I'm a 33-year-old dirty slut who loves to be alone and go to bed at 10 pm” and "It's so rare that I find someone that I'm interested in, and when I do, it's never great."
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xoxo, Maddy
I am a middle-eastern cis gay woman and last year I moved to Europe. My country is very religious and conservative. However, I have a modern family who accepts me and I can be open with them. I am dating this German girl for a few months now. When we met on the dating app, she told me that she is in the process of coming out, which is totally fine for me, as coming out is very different for everyone. I wasn’t out to everyone in my country either. So I know the struggle. For example, I could have been fired if I was out, or discriminated against, so I was only out to my friends who I was close to. Social pressure is too much and I wouldn’t want to be a subject. But as our relationship progressed, I realized that my gf isn’t out because she doesn’t like being labeled as lesbian. So much so, she (32f) didnt have any relationships before me because she didnt want to be gay. She has no intention of coming out to her family because she is from a small village and doesn’t want to be subjected to homophobia, although her family is super open and her cousin is openly gay. Also, she hates the LGBTQIA+ community. She says the community isn’t welcoming (she has no prior experience to that) because she wasnt allowed into a lesbian bar once. She hates the butch, she hates the “lesbian haircut” and tells me not to have it (I have long hair). I am straight passing and she doesnt want either of us to be perceived as gay. She has internalised homophobia and doesn’t accept it when I tell her. She was very different at the beginning of our relationship, she never revealed her opinions but now she feels comfortable enough to tell them out loud. She also doesn’t believe the concept of non-binary, thinks the surgical procedures of the trans people are unnecessary. I tried to talk some sense into her but she’s not having it. She’s a baby dyke, she had slept with 3 other girls before (only one situationship, others are ONS) and I really dont know what to do at this point. I am head over heels in love with her. Our relationship is almost perfect. I feel alive when I’m with her, our sex life is great. She’s the person that I want to spend my life with. But I dont think that she’ll never stop having these thoughts (she’s quite stubborn) and she’ll never come out. I didn’t move to this country to be in the closet again. It feels so hard. Also, her shitty opinions really bother me. I don’t know what to do. Should I leave her? Should I try to be with her? Should I wait her to come to her senses?
JJ, 32
Okay so a couple of things. First, even the gnarliest and most soul-crushing relationships are filled with beautiful moments. Your relationship doesn’t have to be 100% terrible all the time for it to be unhealthy and unsustainable. Second, if you are in a new relationship with someone and you want to have sex with them, that sex is probably going to be incredible. This doesn’t mean they’re a good partner for you, it just means you’re horny. Last and most important, a few months is NOT enough time to know if spending the rest of your life with someone is a good idea. It takes a long time to get to know someone, which you’re discovering each time your girlfriend rolls out worse and worse opinions.